Subject: Lose Yer Money Often?
Date: Tuesday, June 24, 2008 4:24 PM

This has been a life-long problem with me. Th booze and weed sometimes dulls th senses. After a nite of carousin, I often find when I get back to th crib, or else th next day, I don't have as much money as I should.

And it's not that I spent it either. It's monies gone missin. Sometimes I see it on th floor, but many other times I don't. I jus discover it's gone. Does this ever happen to you boyz n gurlz?

So, here's my plan to cut my losses; here's what I'm thinkin. This solution came to me like a flash outta th blue. From now on, I'M GONNA START CARRYIN MY MONEY IN MY WALLET, instead of my shirt pocket.

If yer havin these same kinda problems, why don't you try this too? Then we'll set up a meet with others who are tryin to quit too, and we'll all compare notes and stuff. Mebbe form committees and study groups. Explore different methods of takin out and puttin th money back properly, all th while, searchin th floors around us fer rogue bills that may have escaped our scrutiny. Ascertain th effectiveness of different procedures? It'll be a gosh darn lotta fun hippin others to his radical approach, and mebbe we'll save some money too!

Lemme know.

th cap'm

Subject: Why Do Th Loonies Seek Me Out?
Date: Tuesday, June 24, 2008 2:14 PM

That was th question. I sent ya th Stagford's opinion. Now my buddy Tommy D. suggested this,

"I think that that the resolution to this dilemma is,

''You look like someone no sane person would normally talk with.''

so they feel safe that you are probably in need of conversation and they are taking pity upon thou. Puzzle solved. TD"

Hrummp! While, of course I always welcome feedback, and I DID ask th question, these kinda responses are not exactly th kinda answers I was lookin fer. I was lookin fer somthin more profound. Y'know, like, some kinda socio/psychological insight into th thought processes which cause peoples to blather away at total strangers, about whatever is flitting thru their warped minds at th moment. And further; which didn't question my own sanity or mode of dress. Y'know, somthin like that. Somthin that puts th onus on th loons instead of moi.

So, like, WHAT? Should I perhaps get a crew cut, some owlish kinda glasses, mebbe some dockers and a polo shirt, with some spiffy penny loafers? Huh? Would th Loony-Tunes pass me by then?

Naw! Fuck That Shit. In th words of Frankie S.

"I do it MY own fuckin WAY!" and th loons be damned, Full speed ahead.
SIGH! Th slings and arrows th visionaries must endure, eh?!

th un-repentent and un-bowed cap'm

Subject: Mayoral Election Redux
Date: Monday, June 23, 2008 2:42 AM

If they had a mayoral election tomorrow and th choices were again between former mayoral candidate, Alvin Brooks, and th present co-mayors, Mark Funkhouser and Gloria Squitiro, his scummy wife, do ya think these two buffoons could now garner even a hundred votes?

What a colossal joke this mayor and his wife have become! Even a number of th City Council are now askin her to take a hike, but th mayor is diggin his heels in again! Th dude is a pig-headed, stubborn fool, who continually delusionally mistakes his Stubborness for Principles. He sez his wife is an invaluable asset and we oughta be glad she's there, contributing her time and effort for free and he couldn't run th city without her. Sheeeit! If thas true, one shudders to think what woulda happened if Gloria and her cherished counsel hadn't been there? Whoooie, th mind reels with th implications, eh?

If he can't run this city without her bein his unpaid, volunteer, without-a-clue, chief-of-staff, then th two of em oughta march off into th sunset, arm in arm, and head straight fer Disneyland where they can frolic with Mickey Mouse and other cartoon characters! They oughta fit in very nicely there.

th cap'm

P.S. I hope I'm not bein premature in sayin, "Thank Zeus, we won't have to deal with Hillary and Bill as co-Vice Presidents."

Subject: How Stupid Is She?
Date: Sunday, June 22, 2008 8:19 PM

Do ya recall about a week ago me tellin ya about this dumb gurl who said Iraq had nuclear weapons before we invaded em and that both Iran and Cuba have nukes now, and th only reason why they haven't already attacked us is because they're afraid of Geo. Bush? He's been keepin us safe. And now they're afraid of John McCain th same way, and if Obama is elected, you can expect Nukes Over Miami.

Th conversation got heated and unable to maintain my "cool and detached demeanor." I finally told her to SHUT TH FUCK UP cuz she was just too stupid to talk with. I told her to never speak to me again. I said I would rather talk with a ten y/o than her, because they would make more sense. I told her th next time we happened to see each other to simply ignore me, cus I was gonna ignore her. I tried to make it as clear as I possibly could that I didn't like her, to put it mildly, and I thought she was an Idiot of th First Magnitude and I didn't wanna have anything to do with her. She didn't say anything more to me. Cool! Mission Accomplished.

So....late last nite, at Ott's, when I went in, Ms Dumbhead was sittin at one end of th bar. So, I sat at th opposite end as far away as possible. After a couple minutes of cursory conversation with th barmaid, I heard my name called out from th other end of th bar. I ignored it. Then, much louder, so I couldn't ignore it, she said, in a loud cheery voice,

"Yoo-hooooo, Charley, how are you doin tonite?"

I TOLD YOU SHE WAS AN IGNORANT BITCH!

I muttered, "Fuck off!" and returned my attention to th beer at hand. I guess some peoples jus can't take a hint, eh? Must one speak bluntly and not mince words in order to get one's point across? What words can I choose next, to let her know that I don't wish to have social intercourse with her? I don't want to network with her! I don't want to be in th same city with her! And while it's prolly not her fault she's as stupid as she is, she could at least stay home and live in her basement. Is that too much to ask?

th cap'm

Subject: An Answer To My Query
Date: Sunday, June 22, 2008 2:12 PM

Recently, I put forth th question, once again, fer th umpteenth time, in regards to th steady stream of whackos who seem to always seek me out.

"Why me? I don't know why these weird kinda fuckers always seem to drift in my direction like moths to a flame, but it's vexing, ya'know what I mean!"

Th Stagford replied thusly,

"Cuz ya dress like a fucking pimp and them cock-a-mee-mee glasses. They think yer lookin through almonds. Oh, then theres that fucking dime, jus a danglin!!!"

OK, now, th dime refers to my 1941 mercury head dime earring, which I allowed to tarnish black, except fer th mercury head which is kept highly polished, givin th appearance of a cameo. ya dig. And th glasses of course, are my very small blue lensed ultra hip shades, and godamit, it's not my fault these fucking pimps choose to dress like me! Whadda I'm supposed to do? Bitch slap em?!

No cigar chief, yer answer sounds to me like ya got issues of suppressesd rage and hostility. I suggest ya try some better drugs.

th cap'm

Subject: Upside Of Flooding; Great Catfishing
Date: Thursday, June 19, 2008 2:10 PM

OK ya'll, before ya start sputterin with rage and indignation at th cap'ms callowlessness; lemme make it clear; this is a headline on my home page, OK?! This was not an observation I made about th floods currently innundatin th midwest.

It's jus an example of some one's, positive, look on th brighter side, every cloud has a silver lining, kinda attitude. It's th Amerikan way of lookin at things, y'know. I'm thinkin they need to take a helicopter and fly over th stricken areas with a huge loudspeaker, so they can spread this good news to th peoples sittin on their roofs, while everything they own in th world, is under 12 feet of water beneath em. There's nothin like some great catfishin, while sittin on th roof of yer house to lift th spirits, eh! We don't need no steeenking boats gringo!

Ya know, lotsa times when ya have floods and peoples drown, and their homes and stuff all get washed away, they don't have th benefit of "great catfishin" to boost their morale. And, as an added bonus, there's No Limit! I hope those peoples there realize that; it coulda been worse!

But, noooo, they're prolly sittin around with long faces, mopin around, meanwhile th catfish are jumpin, jus beggin to get caught. My only advice I can give em would be,

"When opportunity knocks, ya gotta be ready to answer th door!"

th cap'm

Subject: RE: Fluorescent Light Bulbs
Date: Wednesday, June 18, 2008 12:57 PM

My amigo, Tommy D. tells me that peoples have been reporting that those bulbs give em headaches and that doctors are aware of this, but don'tknow why. Sheeit, and I jus thought I had a hangover.

th cap'm

Subject: A Cap'm Consumer Alert
Date: Wednesday, June 18, 2008 12:00 PM

Ok, so like yesterday, I was down by yer Costco's needin to buy some light bulbs. And bein an au courant kinda dude and thus bein aware of th latest hip trends, I decided to buy some of th new fluorescent bulbs. They are reputed to be very energy efficient and long lasting.

These bulbs are twelve bucks fer six of em. Pretty steep, but, what th fuck, I bought a dozen. Twenty-three bucks and change. All of em 100 watts. It sez on th box that they only use 23 watts of juice, and I believe em too, cuz thas jus about how much fuckin light they put out. One of em might be OK fer a nite lite in th kiddies room, or mebbe to help ya negotiate yer way to th john at nite when yer a bit wobbly, but, other than that, fageddaboutit. Ya won't be happy cuz two of em together don't put out as much light as one 100 watt bulb. And if they burn out quicker, so what! At least they don't cost two bucks a piece! But, it sez on th box that ya will save 554.00 in energy costs per package as compared to usin regular 100 watt bulbs. Again, th main problem with that is; ya won't be able to see anything.

So, looky here kids, if yer tryin to save money on yer electric bill, I suggest usin candles and try an old fashioned wind-up toaster.

th cap'm

P.S. Ya can buy a large dog and coke there at th Costco's fer a buck fifty. Unbelievable, ya say? But, for sooth.

Subject: Livin Th High Life (no, not That. don't be presumptous)
Date: Wednesday, June 18, 2008 4:56 AM

For th last couple months I've been takin my elderly lady employer out to th dog track at th Woodlands two or three times a week. I used to take her to th casino cuz she loves to gamble, but she jus couldn't sustain th losses Harrah's was inflictin, so now we're goin to th dawg track.

One benefit of th whole deal tho is that now I get to pepper my conversations with little tidbits like,

"Gee, I hope this rain isn't gonna muck up th track too much!"

Or, in response to th question,

"Hi Charley, how ya doin?'

My riposte might be,

"Well, I was doin jus fine, til that damned hound Bad Girl Elsie jus laid down and died on me in th home stretch in th seventh. And then things got worse in th ninth when Tuff Trey got bumped comin outta th gate. Sheeit, so thas how I'm doin. Anythin else ya wanna know?"

Or, I might say,

"Well, I gotta go boyz n gurlz, cuz I gotta get up early tomorrow. First race goes off at one o'clock, y'know."

Y'dig, stuff like that. And I watch peoples faces and body language, lookin fer signs of a "tell", and what I'm gettin is,

"Wow! Th cap'm goes out to "th track" where he mingles with other habitues and degenerate gamblers. Gosh, I wish my life was exciting and romantic too. He's soooo cool. Why can't I be like th cap'm??"

But.... I act like I'm oblivious to their child-like envy and I jus try and convey an attitude of Debonair Casualness and Nonchalance, and, like, I pull out a roll of bills and go, like,

"Oh heck, ya got change fer a C-note, I need to pick up tomorrow's racin form."

Or, if I'm in a philosophical bent, after lettin folks know I've suffered a reverse in my systems operations, I might say,

"Oh man! These dogs! Ya can't live with em; and ya can't live without em! har har"

And some one will pop up and say,

"I know thas right!"

Sometimes I'll amble thru th Plazah District with a rolled up racin form, slappin it casually against my leg, as I check out th threads in th window at Armani's, and I might approach a well dressed dude waitin fer th light to change and say,

"Hey yo, Mac",

While I push my fedora up on my head,

"Whadda'ya think bout this dawg, San Tan Bombaroo in th third? Ya think he's got th heart fer it? Fat Louie sez he's good fer it....but... I dunno. Ya hear anythin on th street?"

And th thing is, this whole persona is completely new to me. I mean, I've never played this gig before. I was never interested in horse or dawg racin, or any kinda racin before, but I gotta tell ya, it can be fun. Now that I've gotten involved, I'm in th process of developin a "system". I mean, ya gotta have a system, right, some kinda "sure-fire" method which enable you to beat th house and win lots of moola. And I got one!!

And, I'll share, Ok. Now, keep this strictly between you and me, cuz like, if every one knows about it, it won't work any more. Say, fr'instance, ya sent this to jus ten other peoples, and they in turn sent it to ten other peoples, and so on. Well, I can't do th math fer ya, but take my word, in nothin flat, most sentient beings in this part of th Galaxy would be usin it. Th Wonder Of Th

Net, eh?! As th old cliche goes,

"It's sharp, but it can cut three ways." (sigh. i'm sorry. I hate to express myself in cliches)

So, like, here's what I do. Before I leave th crib, I throw th I Ching. Hmmmm. Then I look fer signs in th cat's entrails. I know a lotta peoples at PETA are opposed to this method, but generally speakin, I've had good luck with it. Then on th way out to th track, I observe animal's behavior patterns, specially th crows, takin notes on their flight patterns, direction, altitude, speed and such, cuz as ya know, th Crow is th Trickster and can be mischievous! If yer not careful, he will give ya false readins. I also note th date and time, lookin fer auspicious numbers.

Th previous evening's moon phase, when properly plotted, can be helpful too.

Then, when I get to th track, I study th dawgs past performances. There are eight of them to rate fer each race. I assign em a number rating based on th various criteria. One number rates their performance in th past 6 races, then th second number rates their performances in th past three races. Then, th third number is that one I perceived from my earlier observations. I meld those together in what I refer to as their "Super Number". So, in this way, I discover th four dawgs most likely to win. I know, I know, it's complicated. But th scientific method is always complicated, eh?

But, check this out boyz n gurlz, cuz herein lies th genius to my plan.

THEN, I BET TH FOUR REMAINING DAWGGIES LEFT!!!

Thas right. You heard me! I bet all th bad dawgs!

See, its like this; th good dawgs win more often, yeah sure, but becuz they're th favorites ya don't win hardly anything. But, when one or two of yer long shot dawgs win; they pay off very handsomely. Ya dig th perverse logic here? In th last three times, usin th cap'ms fool proof methods, we've won, whereas, if we'd gone with th good dogs, we woulda lost badly.

Ok, boyz n gurlz, now that I've told ya what ya need to do to earn yer livin as a Professional Gambler, and so ya don't havta worry bout no college or educational type nonsense, like, who cares whether ya can find Iraq on th map or not, cuz sheeit, ya can hire some one to find it
fer ya, my only request is; stay away from th Woodlands and practice yer craft someplace else!

Thas my turf! And I don't want yer bets fuckin up my odds, Ok!?

As Ann Landers would say,

"Remember, it takes two to make a conversation. One is just a monologue. And One is also the lonliest number you can ever do.... but.... Two can be as bad as th number One...it all just depends. Good luck! and let me know how it turns out."

Words to live by.

th cap'm

Subject: A Letter To Steve Penn, Writer For Th KC Star
Date: Tuesday, June 17, 2008 4:04 PM

Earlier at lunch today with a good friend, I was hipped to an article in today's paper by Steve Penn about a new judge on th bench, by name of Ardie Bland. Steve couldn't say enuff good things about Honorable Ardie.

I disagreed with im cuz thas th asshole I had to go to on my parking ticket that I told ya about. I had to write Steve and tell him of our differences on th matter. You guys have all read this crap before, but one more time into th breach!

Letter to Steve is below.

********************

Dear Sir, I read with some amusement your glowing version of Judge Ardie Bland, because I had the misfortune of appearing before him recently on a PARKING TICKET.

All I saw was an arrogant, pompous pinhead whose ego had blossomed him into a balloon-head. He suffers from what a friend of mine in the courthouse says they jokingly call, "Black Robe Disease".

Some background. I was given this parking ticket at 1:30 AM on a Sunday morning in front of the Plaza Tennis courts back in June 07. It was issued by a city patrolman in his patrol car, not by a meter maid. Why city patrolmen have time to write parking tickets at that time on an early Saturday morning is beyond me to begin with? I guess that must be a slow crime time, eh? And why it took the city nine months to send it to me is a further mystery. But, oh well; better late than never, is their thinking I suppose.

But, in any case I took 2 1/2 hours off work, (unpaid) spent five dollars worth of gas, walked three blocks to court. I also spent six bucks for a throw-away camera and seven dollars to get the pictures developed of the area where I was given my citation One of the pictures depicted the No Parking Sign that I was parked less than 40 feet from.

It said,

"No Parking Between 6 AM and 6 PM Mon thru Fri"

Notice I was parked there at 1:30 AM, so no violation there because the parking restriction is only during the daylight hours. Besides that little flaw, it was on the WEEKEND, so there weren't any restrictions at all!!! But in spite of that, this officer gave me a ticket any way? One wonders what was going thru his mind?

When I went in front of Judge Bland the city attorney asked for a continuance because the officer wasn't there. No big surprise there, huh? After all, it was only a parking ticket; not a moving violation, no points attached to your driving record, just a fine, the most menial of menial "crimes". Do officers normally go into court on parking violations?

I protested and tried to tell the judge what I had gone thru to finally take care on this insignificant matter, and it didn't seem fair to force me to go back again for a PARKING TICKET. I further told the judge that I had some photos, and if he would just take 20 seconds to look at them he could plainly see there was no cause to even have a continuance. But, he was having none of that. He explained to me the city had a right to a continuance and he was granting it and for me to be quiet and not say another word. I tried to protest again and he warned me he was going to cite me for Contempt of Court. Well, I have to admit; he was right there! Because I had nothing but Contempt for his entire Kangaroo Court. The whole time the City Attorney was standing there with a smug, self-satisfied grin on his face. He's the City Attorney, by god, and don't let anybody say he's soft on parking violators!!

Now, I have to go back to court and do it all again; for a lousy, steeenking PARKING TICKET, fr'chrissakes! But he couldn't care less what kind of trouble and expense a peon citizen has to go thru because he and the idiot City Attorney are getting paid no matter how many times one has to go back.

Did I mention that all of this was for a PARKING TICKET? Yeah, let's all be thankful there's a diligent Judge on the bench, who even tho he's new, wants to make it clear that he's no pushover and can't be conned by mere evidence to usurp his Power as the Judge to do whatever the hell he wants. Right or wrong; doesn't matter, cuz he's The Judge. I hope you sleep better at night knowing Judge Ardie Bland is doing everything in his judicial power to make sure that alleged parking violators will be brought to Justice in his courtroom.

He's an inspiration, that's for sure. Inspiration for projectile vomiting, that is.

charley hutto

P.S. In spite of your glowing review, I just hope I get a different Judge next time, because I want a Judge who is capable of using Reason and Common Sense when called for, over strict unyielding deference to the letter of the Law.

**************

Th letter is prolly too long fer Steve to read, but I jus wanted to give im a different perspective.

Subject: Loons At Th Laundromat
Date: Monday, June 16, 2008 10:08 PM

I don't know what it is, but ya run into some reel goofies at th laundromat. Ya would think doin yer laundry was no big deal, but ya gotta be careful. Ya hate to havta carry a pistola jus to do yer laundry, but on th other hand, ya can encounter some strange individuals there whose motives are hard to gauge.

Like, yesterday, fr'instance, I jus went to th laundry to do my washin gig, y'know what I mean. Thas all I wanted to do. There was only one other guy there. A sullen, depressed, bleary, red-eyed dude. He was sittin in a chair against th wall and starin at th floor. Other than a cursory glance in his direction, I didn't pay much attention to im.

That is.... until he raised his head up and looked directly at me and slowly took off this wide leather belt, bout 2 1/2 inches across, and started wrappin it around his fist, leavin a heavy belt buckle dangling about five inches. Th whole time he's doin this his eyes never left me. Starin hard at me. I'm thinkin.

"Sheeit, whas up with this loco?"?

I've never seen this dude before in my life. I'm jus there to do my laundry, ya'know? I'm tryin to ignore him, but his eyes followed me as I checked th progress of my dirtys. Then he got up outta th chair and walked over and sat on top of one of th washers, and kinda laid back with his right arm braced on th coin mechanism, and one leg propped on top of th washer and continued to stare at me. His eyes never left me fer a second. I wanted to approach him and say,

"Um.... scuse me Sir, but....uh, since I'm th only other person here, I couldn't help noticin you are starin at me, with....um.... what appears to me to be malevolent intent. It appears like yer gettin ready to do me bodily harm, with that belt and all. Perhaps I'm jus paranoid, Ha ha cus some times I am y'know, but it makes me kinda nervous with you swingin that belt buckle around and...uh... I jus wanted to kinda feel ya out, y'know, so I don't kill ya fer no good fuckin reason!!"

But, I didn't say anything to him. I didn't know what to do? I mean, there was a little 16 y/o black chick workin behind th counter. Wasn't gonna get any help there. I couldn't call th coppers and say,

"Hey, Mr. Po-liceman, there's a guy here at th laundromat at 42nd and Walnut and he's got a belt wrapped around his fist and he's lookin at me."

Sheeit, I knew they were busy writin parkin tickets and wouldn't wanna be foolin around with anything as trivial as this. So....I walked by him warily and went out to my car. I disassembled a pair of heavy duty scissors I always carry with me jus in case I might wanna clip somthin outta th paper sometime. Or...y'know..... jus in case some Fuckin Nut decides to attack me at th laundromat. Y'know, whatever? I slipped one blade in th rear of my jeans and walked back in th joint and now I felt a lot more comfortable. Didn't feel so vulnerable. So I started starin back at im. After about ten seconds of this, I decided we might as well bring this scenario to a conclusion. So while he's starin, I reached behind me and pulled out th blade and held it down at my side, so he could see it, and said,

"What th Fuck are YOU lookin at?"

He jus looked at me sullenly with his bloodshot eyes and shook his head slowly back and forth, and if he got off th dryer, I was gonna stick him in th gut before he gotta chance to swing that belt on me. But instead, he looked away. Cool!

OK. So he's wasn't completely whacko. Still tho, fer th next twenty minutes til I finished, I kept an eye on him and kept a couple laundry carts between us in case he decided to charge, but he never looked at me again. I was glad to get outta there without a confrontation, cuz,
sheeit, as I explained earlier, I jus went there to do my wash. Damn, I only wanted some clean clothes.

I've been tryin to figure out what that guy was up to since? I dunno, there's somethin bout laundromats; peoples jus get goofy there.

I don't know why these weird kinda fuckers always seem to drift in my direction like moths to a flame, but it's vexing, ya'know what I mean! And it's gettin reel tiresome too!

th cap'm

Subject: WARNING! BE CAREFUL. BOTH CUBA AND IRAN HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS RIGHT NOW
Date: Monday, June 16, 2008 4:26 AM

Was finishin off th evenin down at yer Fred P. Otts and th only place to sit at th bar placed me next to this gurl I don't like. But, I didn't have any choice. Any way, I mentioned to her bout Tim Russert's passing.

She said, "Whose he?"

I tried to tell her a bit about him but she said,

"Never heard of him. Besides, with all my theatre work, I don't have much time for stuff like that."

Her complete indifference kinda annoyed me. Like I said, I don't like her anyway. But she did tell me how much she admired John McCain and how she was gonna vote for him, and what a bunch of pussies Obama supporters were. I told her I was one of those supporters. She snorted derisively and said that, if Obama was elected, either Iran or Cuba would nuke us for sure. Th only reason they hadn't done so already was because they were afraid of Geo. Bush and they are equally afraid of McCain too. She said,

"If Bush hadn't invaded Iraq when he did, it would have been too late
because they were getting ready to drop an atomic bomb on us! And if the
peace-pussies have their way they won't let Bush save us from Iran. Or
Cuba either. Both of them hate us and want to destroy us. If Obama is
elected they will wipe us out. Why is it so hard for you to understand
that?"

I'm tellin ya; that much stupidity all in one breath left me near sputterin with exasperated rage. I could hardly speak, but I told her,

"Are ya fucking crazy? What fuckin nonsense. What bullshit! Where ever did you get th idea that Iraq had nuclear weapons? They discovered that in spite of all we claimed, they didn't have shit. No nukes, chemical, or biological weapons of any kind! None! Nada! Nothing at all."

"Oh yes they did Charley. Every one knows that. It's common knowledge. The President said it, the Vice President said it. Homeland Security said it. It's been in all the news. They all agreed that Iraq had the bomb. So do the Iranians and the Cubans!!"

I said,

"WHAT? In the news? What in th hell are ya talkin about? No one has ever even claimed th Iraqis had actual nuclear weapons. And now yer sayin th Iranians and th Cubans, th Cubans fr'chrissakes, have em too? Thas jus th dumbest fuckin thing I've ever heard."

She said,

"Charley, it's been on channels 4, 5, and 9 a bunch of times."

"Oh bullshit. Ha ha Thas jus too absurd. Th only thing on 4, 5, and 9 is local murder and mayhem. They don't even know there's a world past 50 miles from here. I doubt if th words Iran or Iraq have ever even been mentioned in a newscast on any one of those channels. And th idea that Cuba has nuclear weapons is jus too fuckin ridiculous to even talk about. Where in th hell did you ever get that nutball idea?"

She said in a patient, condescendin tone ya might use on a child,

"Charley, did you ever hear of th Cuban missile crisis? You seem to have been on another planet. This stuff is all out there. You should watch the news more often."

Oh man! This was too much! This comin from a fuckin Idiot who doesn't know who Tim Russert was! Unbelievable! Well, I'm tryin to paraphrase here in jus a few words what was about a ten minute conversation. I mean, th depth, th magnitude of her Ignorance was jus too much fer me to handle at 2:45 AM. I jus couldn't listen to another minute of such preposterous crap so I told her,

"Looky here you dumb fuck, SHUT TH FUCK UP, OK! I don't wanna talk with you ever again. About any fucking thing, ya got that? Yer th stupidest mutherfucker I've ever talked to. I'd rather talk with a five-year-old kid than try and have an intelligent conversation with you, cuz thas Impossible! So, Fuck off and be quite!"

She said,

"Charley, I don't know why you're so mad at me?"

"Did you not understand what I jus said? You're jus too fuckin STUPID to talk to! Don't waste my time. Shut th fuck up and drink yer drink and let me drink mine in peace and leave me th fuck alone. Fuck you! Eat shit! And die!"

My message seemed to finally sink in then, cuz she said no more. I finished my beer, folded my tent, and silently slid off into th night.

I'm tellin ya; some times I understand completely why some peoples decide to become hermits. I'm thinkin th next few days I'm gonna start lookin fer a cave to buy, where I can finish out my days in peace and quite. A place where there are no loons, or bicyclists either. I'll stock it up with a couple thousand cases of beer, all th substances I can abuse, plenty of peanut butter and hot dogs, and I'll jus kick back, and chill. Ya know what I mean!?

th cap'm

P.S. Besides, that cave might come in reel handy when those Cubanos start rainin nukes down on us. And if that twit gurl should come by my cave seekin shelter, I might tell her,

"Yeah, OK, c'mon in, but keep yer lip zipped, as per our last conversation, remember? And if ya ever say, 'I told ya so!', I'm gonna punch ya in th schnozola, y'dig!"

Subject: Sad Passing
Date: Saturday, June 14, 2008 7:01 PM

I was surprised, shocked and saddened to hear of Tim Russert's death yesterday. No one was better than him in what he did. He was absolutely the best journalist of our times. The whole political scene just won't be the same without him. If you only spent one hour a week trying to keep track of what was going on in the political arena, you couldn't do better than Meet The Press!

When peoples appeared on his show, and there was simply no better forum on, to air your opinions and state your case than Meet The Press, you damned well better be prepared. Every one who ever appeared on his show knew that! Because you better believe he was prepared! He was likely to ask a guest to explain a statement he made to the Rotary Club in Athens, Ga. in 1983, as compared to what they are saying now.

And yet, everything he did, he did with class. There wasn't any one of the power elite who didn't hold him in the highest regard and respect, regardless of their political affiliation.

Dammit, I'm going to miss him. No on can fill his shoes! There is no understudy waiting in the wings.

th cap'm

Subject: Jus Some Thoughts In Th Saloon
Date: Friday, June 13, 2008 2:58 AM

"To be or not to be." William Shakespeare

"I think, therefore I be's." Theotis Jefferson

"Do Be Do Be Doo." Frank Sinatra

"Yabba Dabba Doo Be" Scooby Do

Last nite I saw a "soft but persistent packer". It was a gurl packin her cigs so quietly, she didn't make a sound. Yet she musta packed em a 150 times. I was beginnin to think she never was gonna light one up.

HAVE KAZOO---WILL TRAVEL

If ya know on any bands on tour who need a rock n roll kazoo player, lemme know. I'm available.

WARNING---Failure to adapt may result in EXTINCTION of yer species.

Goin outta my Kazoo over You.

U-2
Yes me 2.

You turd sucking Pig.

Chicken Little and Th Feathered Fingered Five.

"I hear there's an opening in a car wash in Phoenix, so I guess I'll be movin on."
Th Rambler

Last week I got on th Mood Elevator and got off on th 13th floor. Th problem with that is that; no one knows yer there, cuz there ain't no 13th floor!

Jus another rock in th gravel Road of Broken Dreams.

Hey Gabba Gabba
Domo--Domo
Ari-Gato,
Tomo-Sako

Nite Time Bicyclists
Ride with no Lights
It makes it easier
To run em over!

Is th opposite of luke warm....luke cool?

Subject: NewsSpeak
Date: Thursday, June 12, 2008 3:57 PM

Jus to get a clue into how much Sports and War figure into th Amerikan Psyche, listen to any news show, cable or otherwise, about th election. See if any one of those talking head Idiots can explain to you what's happening without usin a Sports or War analogy?

Evidently they feel thas th only way us ignernt peoples can understand em. They gotta break down complex issues and explain em in simple language. They talk about th "knock out punch", or in his speech, "he didn't hit th home run", or th "battles in th trenches", "level playin fields", "keep moving th goal posts", questioning whether a candidate, "can take a punch?"

Next time ya listen to th news, listen closely. You'll see what I mean.

th cap'm

Subject: Gentlemen, Start Yer Engines!! Let Th Race Begin....AGAIN
Date: Thursday, June 12, 2008 3:28 PM

Some of ya'll may recall thru personal memory or jus history, that th Russkies shocked th world in October, 1957, by puttin an artificial satellite, Sputnik, in space. Then, only one month later in November, they managed to send a dog named Laika into orbit, forcin us to wake up outta our complacency, much like Pearl Harbor did in '41. Th slumberin giant stirred.

Then, in April, 1961, they reely shocked us again by sendin th first man, Yuri Gagarin, into space orbit.

A month later in May, '61, President Kennedy made th bold assertion that th US would land a man on th moon and safely return before th decade was out. He laid down th challenge,

"OK, that does it! You guyz wanta play, eh? Aw'right, let's get it on! Last one to th moon is a rotten egg!"

And th race was on. It was th US vs th Russkies!

And we actually accomplished this on July 20th, 1969, when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Alderin walked on th moon and safely returned to earth. Over th next three and a half years we went back six times: th last one in July '72, thirty-six years ago! Haven't been back since. I guess it was, like, after bein there six times, "Ho-hum. Th moon is, like, sooo boring".

But now we've decided to go back. But this time around our opponent in th race is th godam Chinese commie bastards, not th Russians. Our goal is to go back by 2020. Th Chinese plan on makin it in 2017 or 2018, a couple years ahead of us.

What I don't understand is why, since we've already been there a half dozen times, usin technology that is completely obsolete now, it would take us so long to return, and th Chinese, could get there before us?? What happened to all th experience and knowledge we learned th first half dozen times we went there? Ya would think we'd have an advantage over th Chinese, wouldn't ya? Dammit, we're supposed to be first in Everything! Right!? So, whas th deal here?

Perhaps, considerin th half Trillion dollars we've already wasted in Iraq, mebbe we jus can't afford it. Mebbe th cash jus isn't there? It's kinda like th families here feelin th economic crunch, are goin to Branson, Mo, this year on vacation, instead of Puerto Vallarta.

But more likely, I'm beginnin to think boyz n gurlz we are in, "The Beginnings of The End of The Amerikan Empire". There's a new kid on th block! He's already waaay bigger than us, and he's gettin stronger all th time, and he's jus as smart as we are! And we owe him a huge fucking lot of money! Talk about Sleeping Giants; he's th Chinese! And th Sun is Risin on his Empire now.
OK, so what? Yeah yeah, I know! It's not th Amerikan Way! But there's reely nothin wrong with bein Number Two? Or Three? We don't Absolutely have to be Number One in everything!

Do we?

th cap'm

Subject: G--L-- O-- R-- I-- A
Date: Wednesday, June 11, 2008 1:46 PM

Did ya'll happen to read Mike Hendricks column in th Star this past Friday on Mrs. Funkhouser? What a complete and embarrassin disaster this woman is! Like, is there another major city (some peoples might question whether we can even call this cowtown a major city?) in this country where th Mayor's wife runs his office as an "un-paid volunteer Chief-of-Staff"?

Sits around barefooted and calls her assistant, "mammy"? It sounds like somthin ya would read about in a small town in Appalachia. But, understandably, "Mammy" has now filed a lawsuit against th Mayor, his wife, and th City fer her recent firin. Now th citizens of KC will have to pay fer th thoughtless and demeanin babble spewin from th mayor's wife's big mouth and miniscule brain.

Both of em are incompetent to the point of absurdity. It's like if ya had two ten-year-old kids playin a game called, "The Mayor and His Wife Run A City." These two clowns are both responsible for many guffaws and derisive snickers from the rest of the country vis a vis KC. Fr'example, Gloria sez

"Funky (her pet name fer im) sure does look sexy when taking the podium at those town hall meetings."

Ha ha Oh my! Thas jus too laughable to even imagine. Well, I dunno, I spose he does..... if ya consider tall, skinny, gawky, ganglin Ichabod Crane look-a-likes "sexy"? With that long, narrow skinny face, and that scraggly goat-tee. It looks like some one stuck his head between a vise and squeezed it reely hard! But, apparently, I guess his sexy looks jus gets Gloria all worked up. I'll bet th Funk looks forward to those post town hall, horizontal bop sessions with th Gloria.

Whoooeeee.

Th Gloria's gaffes are jus too numerous to recall, but do ya remember when she once called a female attorney, "that Hispanic chick." And before attendin a meeting in th West Side she said,
"I hope they don't throw hot tamales at us!"

This is th same person who thought there was nothin wrong with hubby. "th Reform Mayor". acceptin a Free car from a local auto dealership. I mean, sheeit. Talk about clueless!! "What the heck? It was free! Who wouldn't take a free car?"

she asked, havin no idea what all th fuss was about?! Ha ha

It has now become perfectly clear that, obviously, neither her nor her Idiot mayor husband, have th slightest inklin of what they're doin! This is th guy who, altho a political neophyte, resisted havin any of th regular political consultants to advise him, cus he's got Gloria. And her sound judgement. And after one faux pas after another, th Mayor stands by her. Sez he couldn't do his job without her. He's th guy with th Principles. ya remember? A guy who won't cave into pressure, like yer average scumbag pol. But, in reality, he's a fuckin Moron who can't distinguish th difference between "Standin on Principle" and sheer "Bull Headed Stubborness"!

I'll bet it's a long time before the voters of KC take a chance on an "outsider" again! I'm not seein Th Laughable Duo, Th Funk and Th Bitch, comin around fer a second time.

How will we endure th rest of this term? As th ol cliche goes,

"All we can do now, is pray."

th cap'm

Subject: CORRECTION. MEA CULPA
Date: Monday, June 9, 2008 1:22 PM

One of my New Yawk connections jus informed me that I had slurred his hometown needlessly with false info. He tells me that this incident occured in Hartford, Conn. Damn, I hate when I do this. Hartford! Sheeeit, I shoulda known that.

OK so to all New Yawkers, I extend my regrets. I shoulda vetted my sources better.

th cap'm

Subject:: RE: Hit-and Run Victim
Date: Monday, June 9, 2008 1:00 PM

My buddy, th Stagford, replied back to me thusly.

"I have to wonder about th level of concern th Cap't would have if th victim in this hit-and run had been a bicyclist!!!!!"

I wrote im back.

*********************

"It's interestin that ya would comment on that, cus I did delete a couple lines from that bit about th hit-and-run victim lyin in th street.

"Yeah, sure, I coulda understood their attitude, if the guy had been a bicyclist, but he wasn't. He was jus a guy tryin to cross th road, (much like th chicken) and for all their own faults, ever since we came down outta the trees onto the savanas, we are all Pedestrians, eh? He was one of Us!

But, I didn't wanna dilute th message with extenuatin circumstances."

********************

Ya see, th thought did cross my mind.

th cap'm

Subject:Th Cap'm Exposes The Forces Of Evil and Darkness.
Date: Sunday, June 8, 2008 9:21 PM

Th Star printed my letter today. I wish they woulda printed th longer version. It's reely hard to put into 150 words everything ya wanna say. At least it is fer me. There were too many salient facts to condense it into 150 words. Too much Absurdity and Stupidity to be delved into in 150 words. Sheeit, I coulda easily written 1500, and not covered all of my thoughts about it. But newspapers are written so that even Morons can understand em, and their attention span's not very long either. They have discoverd that when ya go over a 150 words, their lids grow heavy, th mind fades, and Morpheus comes fer a visit. Scratch one reader!

But, it was cool, cuz underneath my letter was another letter from a guy who had also gotten a ticket; but his was fer not havin any plates on his car. But, since it was a brand new car, he had a temp tag in th rear window with th date of purchase on it and it was good fer 15 days, but th ticketing officer never walked behind th car and saw that. So, this guy sarcastically complimented them on their diligence to detail in noting his lack of plates, and thanked them fer th afternoon in court he now has to spend, to clear th mess up, jus like me. He better hope he doesn't get th same fuckin Idiot Judge I had, and th officer doesn't show up, cus he'll have to go back and do it all again, jus like me!!

Well, fine! Why should th cap'm be th only one bein fucked over by th Judicial System. Huh, why me? There's plenty of other peoples out there who deserve to see how our system reely works. Ferget th bullshit ya see on th TV boyz and gurlz. Thas not how it reely goes. IT'S TV, fr'chrissakes!! Got nothin to do with th Real World.

I can't but help wonder if this guy was on Nixon's shit-list too?

I get a big kick outta th "Cops" shows and all th other shows where they're bookin peoples in th county jails and so on. What BULLSHIT!!!

"Allright! Please calm down Sir and stop callin me a mutherfucker. That is rude and impolite and it hurts my feelings."

"Ok, thas th fourth time you've called me a cocksucker Sir, and while there's nothing wrong of course, being a homosexual in and of itself, frankly it annoys me. Please be more considerate, After all, I'm only doing my job. OK, Ok, Sir, please stop spitting on us, it's waay unhygienic."

"OK, Sir, if you kick me in th groin one more time I'm going to put you in a room all by yourself, and you won't be able to network with any one else! OOOOF! now gosh darn it Sir, I'm not kiddin, I mean it. Please Sir, stop kickin me there, it's very painful and I'm starting to get really irritated."

I'm sorry boyz n gurls, but thas not th way it goes down in th REAL World.

"And fuck a bunch of medical attention, pick up yer teeth ya scumbag piece of shit, before I break yer other arm, ya one eyed fuckin mutherfuckin fucker you!!!!"

Now, thas more like it.

th cap'm

P.S. Y'know, I can't but help wonder if this other guy who got caught up in th System was on Nixon's shit-list too?

Subject: A Glance Into Our Soul?
Date: Sunday, June 8, 2008 8:00 PM

Did any of you guyz (that includes you gurlz too) see th video of th guy in New York who was struck by a hit-and-run driver, and laid there in th street for an eternity, while cars dodged and swerved around him, and pedestrians walked casually by, with only a cursory glance in his direction, and not a single fucking person tried to help him or even call 911.

One guy went over and looked at him, out of curiosity, I spose, cus he then went nonchalantly on his way. Obviously not his problem, jus like everybody else. Th callousness displayed was appalling. I mean. sheeit, a guys lying injured there in th street and no one pays him any attention at all or tries to help him!! How could peoples do that?

But who has time fer such foolishness when one has important places to go and peoples to see?

I guess all those folks had problems of their own, and jus didn't have th time. Time is Money, ya know! If it had been a dog, some pet owner woulda surely at least dragged him outta th street and mebbe given im th coup de grace to put im outta his misery.

"On th way home I saw somthin funny. Guy got clipped by a car flippin im up in th air and he landed right there in th middle of th street. Har har Musta been a jaywalker! Whut time's wrasslin come on?"

What does this say about us? Was it jus one piece of th puzzle? Was it jus one street in New York? Is it jus New York?

Or, more scary..... is it Amerika?

th cap'm

P.S. Thas why ya should always carry yer own cell phone boyz and gurls, cuz ya can't always count on th kindness of th Amerikan stranger.

Subject: Hillary As VP?
Date: Friday, June 6, 2008 4:41 PM

I don't think so!! After this unnecessarily bitter and rancorous nomination fight, if Obama is the guy I have been led to believe, he will not choose Hillary just to get the votes. Altho that might be the expedient approach, it would constitute politics as usual to me, which is counter to everything he's said he's against.

Besides, he doesn't need her to win anyway, because he can win this on his own merits! Had she conducted this process with more Class and Integrity, she would have been a shoe-in as VP.

As it is now, Obama doesn't really have to vette her, because he has already found out all he needs to know bout her. The vetting of her is nothing but a face saving bone thrown to her constituents. She has no one to blame, but herself and Bill and their own avaricious ambitions. It's time we put the Clintons out to pasture. Death Valley, the Gobi, the Sahara; all come to mind as suitable.

th cap'm

Subject: Suspicion Confirmed
Date: Thursday, June 5, 2008 1:28 PM

Tuesday evening I was in a discussion with one of my contacts from "downtown" about my parking ticket. She told me that this punk-ass Judge had only been on the bench for less than a month. It was a Eureka moment.

"Godamit, I knew it!!" I shreiked. Th whole time all of this charade was goin on, I kept thinkin to myself,

"What in th hell is this guy doin? This isn't a case of lettin a speeder, or a red light runner back on th streets, jus because th arresting officer had a golf game that day; this is a fucking, non-moving, no points allocated, "Parking Ticket" fr'chrissake!! Why is he makin such a big deal outta this?"

Th pics would clearly have shown jus how completely unjustified th whole bullshit ticket was to begin with, and they would have! But this asshole rookie Judge wouldn't take th 20 seconds to look at em.

But, bein new to th Bench, and evidently not wishin to be perceived as "soft" or "gullible", (even tho it's only a parking ticket) he's not gonna let a bunch of photos make up his mind, without hearin testimony (on a parking ticket) from th ticket issuing officer before he makes His Ruling. Guilty or Not Guilty of Illegal Parking? Remember boyz and gurlz, "With great Power, comes great Responsibility". He's sendin a message to one and all,

"Hey look, altho I'm de new Judge, don't think for a second, you can scam me with th ol "photograph ploy" and rush my decision without hearin th testimony of th officer too.
I ain't no pushover, see!!!"

So, now, I gotta go back in July and do it all over again. Th mutherfuckers!!

Another friend of mine from "downtown" told me that Judge was sufferin from what they refer to as, "Black Robe Disease". I am already well aware of th symptons.

th cap'm

P.S. By th way, jus so ya don't misunderstand me, this ticket wasn't issued by a meter maid; it was written by a regular city cop in a patrol car, at 1:30 AM on a Saturday nite!! Is th crime game so slow at that time, cops write parking tickets outta sheer boredom? My friend tole me slowly, in very simple words, so I could understand, "Charley, patrolmen don't write parking tickets!" to which I replied, "Fuckin Bullshit! This one did!!!"

***********

Below is a letter I wrote to th Star.

****************
Municipal Kangaroo Court

Monday, I had to go to Municipal Court to plead Not Guilty on a parking ticket issued to me TEN MONTHS ago. At that time I was parked at 1:30 AM on a Sunday morning in front of the Plaza tennis courts within 40 feet of a sign saying,

"NO PARKING 6 AM--6 PM ---Monday Thru Friday"

Note, I was parked there at 1:30 AM on a WEEKEND! Thus, no violation.

So, I took off three hours unpaid leave, spent gas money and parking costs and walked three blocks to court.

When my case was called, the City Attorney asked for a continuance because the officer wasn't present. I protested trying to tell the Judge of what I myself had gone thru to be there that day and that I had photos proving that the officer had made a mistake, and that if he would just look at them he could see there was no reason to even have a continuance.

The Judge refused to even look at them telling me to be quiet and not even speak again. Very shortly he was threatening me with Contempt of Court. Guilty as charged, because I certainly had nothing but Contempt for the whole Farce.

Now, I have to go to all this time, expense and trouble again in July. All of this for a non-moving PARKING violation with no points attributed. Your insurance company doesn't even care about that!! But hey, it's Ok for the Court, because they all get paid no matter how many times they make peon citizens appear!

********************

They called me yesterday and said I needed to shorten it, before they could publish it, so I sent this shorter version. We'll see.

********************
Monday, I went to Municipal Court to plead Not Guilty on a parking ticket. I was parked at 1:30 AM on a Sunday morning in front of the Plaza tennis courts within 40 feet of a sign saying,

"NO PARKING 6 AM--6 PM ---Monday Thru Friday"

Note, I was parked there at 1:30 AM on a WEEKEND! Thus, no violation!!

When my case was called, the City Attorney asked for a continuance because the officer wasn't present. I protested trying to tell the Judge that I had photos proving that the officer had made a mistake, and that if he would just take 20 seconds to look at them he could see there was no justification for the ticket to begin with. The Judge refused to look at them and granted the continuance.

Now, I have to go to all this time, expense and trouble again in July. All of this for a non-moving PARKING violation. But hey, it's Ok for the Court, because they all get paid no matter how many times they make citizens appear!

Subject: Bo Diddley, Who Gave Rock His Beat, Dies at 79 - Obituary (Obit) - NYTimes.com
Date: Tuesday, June 3, 2008 4:20 PM

Big Bo checks out.

He was always one of my favorites. There was no mistaking th Bo Diddley sound.

I saw him play one time in 1961 in Atlanta, Ga. at my then girlfriend's high school prom. It was Bo Diddley! What more can I say!!!?

th cap'm

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/03/arts/music/03diddley.html?_r=1&th&emc=th&oref=slogin

Subject: Fuck Th Judge, Fuck Th City Attorney, Fuck th Clerk. Fuck Th Bailiff!
Date: Monday, June 2, 2008 5:54 PM

FUCK TH WHOLE GODAM FUCKED UP SYSTEM! I am so godammed pissed off right now, I can hardly see straight. Lemme tell ya what happened.

Ten months ago, early of a Sunday morn, about 1:30 AM, I was given a completely bogus parking ticket. I was parked within 40 feet of a sign that said.

NO PARKING 6AM--6PM
MONDAY THRU FRIDAY

Note, I was parked within th time frame between restricted parking. Besides that fact, further note, it was on a weekend, and thus there weren't any parking restrictions of any kind anyway. But, no matter, I still got a ticket! I was cited fer,

"PARKING IN A RESTRICTED ZONE"

I called Municipal Court th following Monday to get a court date to plead NOT GUILTY, but was told I would have to wait fer th city to mail me a notice of th violation.

So.... I waited. And waited. After a couple of months, I called back. They told me that since I hadn't heard from them by then, to basically ferget it. So, I did.
Until two weeks ago, that is, TEN FUCKING MONTHS LATER, I got a court date fer today.

So, I took a half dozen photos of th sign, and where my car was parked, and any Moron could easily see I was not illegally parked.

Today I went to Courtroom D at 2:30, as instructed. There was a notice there that th early mornin dockets had been moved to other courts, but under th 2:30 docket, there was an arrow pointing down sayin, HERE. So I went in to Courtroom D and waited. And waited. At 3:30, havin been there an hour, there were no other cases bein heard. Th Judge said Court Adjourned. I approached th bench and said,

"Yer Honor, I was supposed to be on th 2:30 docket, but my name was never called.

She said,

"Sir, I told you court was adjourned!"

I said,

"Yes, I know, but your honor, no one ever called my name."

She said,

"I'm th Judge here, not the Clerk! You need to talk to her."

Godam fucking Bitch!

Th godam fuckin bitch clerk told me my case had been moved to Courtroom C. I told her th sign didn't say that, and I'd jus wasted an hour of my time fer nothin. She told me it wasn't her fault and turned away, ignorin me.

Godam fucking Bitch!

So, I went to Courtroom C, and waited there fer 50 fucking minutes more!

Finally, my name was called and th heinous charges of "Illegal Parking" was called out. I got up and plead "Not Guilty" and had my pics ready to back up my story. Th City Prosecutor told th Judge th officer wasn't present and requested a continuance. I protested tellin th Judge that I had already taken 2 hours off work of unpaid leave, spent money on gas, parking, etc. to be there and it wasn't my fault th officer was playin golf today, that I had showed up in spite of inconveniences and that, not only that, but that I had photos showin that I wasn't even parked illegally, and if th Judge would take jus 30 second to look at em, he would see there wasn't any need fer a continuance anyway.

Th Judge told me he was going to give th city their continuance and set July 7th as my next trial date! Th mutherfuckin asshole.

Th godam fucking Bastard!

I told im it was ridiculous that any one should have to go thru this type of nonsense over a parking violation. He told me to shut up. I repeated if he would take 20 seconds of his time, neither th Court, th officer, me or any one else would need to waste any more time on this minor, but ridiculous parking ticket.

He told me to shut up again and threatened me with Contempt of Court. Now th bailiff was movin in my direction. He said if I said anything more he was gonna remove me from th courtroom. I snorted and said,

"Wow! This is ridiculous!"

He nodded to th bailiff and he took my arm, and I said,

"Never mind, I'm leavin peacefully." And th mutherfucker nodded again to th bailiff,and he released me and I walked out puttin my lid back on my head before gettin outta th courtroom, mutterin

"Justice in Amerika, whatta joke."

and was surprised to get outta there.

I always joke with peoples bout never leavin home without Bail Money, and normally woulda had it on me, but because of a deposit I had made earlier at th bank, I didn't have it. Sheeit, I woulda taken th Contempt beef, jus fer th hell of it! I also figured that by th time I made arrangements thru a bondsman, my car would be given another parkin ticket, and so I left and been ragin, and cussin and sputterin ever since.

TH FUCKIN ASSHOLE BASTARD MUTHERFUCKERS!!!!

th cap'm

P.S. Y'know, those pricks don't give a shit what kinda trouble. money, inconvenience, etc, you have to go thru to go back down there, on a parking ticket, fr'chrissake, cuz they're all gettin paid anyway!

Subject: Motor Scooters
Date: Saturday, May 31, 2008 3:35 PM

Lately, I've noticed a proliferation of these little Vespa-type scooters putterin about. Mostly driven by young gurls and middle-aged ladies.

After observin their habits and customs. it's apparent to me that they are all former, "bicyclists". I think they all got their Driving Degrees from th Amerikan Bicycle Academy, whose itinerary has not a single word on, "Laws, Rules, and Regulations On The Road", becus as we are all painfully aware, said laws don't apply to em anyway; they're on a bicycle!!

Some where they got th notion (see ABA above) that jus cuz they're on a cute little pink motor-scooter..... that they're immune from bein run into poles, ditches, trees, etc. and all th other places we send their other two-wheeled friends to, becuz of their lack of respect fer th four-wheeled vehicle set. One of which would be Moi!

They have apparently been Brain-washed and Propagandized by th Fanatics and Zealots of th Bicycle Faction to th point where their gray matter has turned to green jelly. It's time we band together and TAKE BACK OUR STREETS!

Obviously we're gonna have to make a high-profile example of one of em to get our point across. If there are no other volunteers, I myself will take up th Challenge. After selectin a derservin target, upon Impact, so there's no doubt bout what jus transpired, I will shout out,

"POWER TO TH MOTORISTS!

DOWN WITH THE INSECT DOG SCOOTERISTS"

OK, so.... if yer with me, say, "YEAH!" We will clear these vermin off our streets before they can breed and multiply and further pollute our precious gene pool!

Say, "YEAH!!"

th cap'm

Subject: Won't Some One Pleeze Help?
Date: Friday, May 30, 2008 8:28 PM

Given th depth of peoples dis-satisfaction with th Republican party, as exemplified by th 2004 Congressional elections, and based on th record low rating of Geo. Bush, th Leader, a year and a half ago, it would have seemed th Dems could win an overwhelming Presidential election this year, no matter who they ran! Daffy Duck was electable, at least accordin to some of my sources on th street.

But after a one and a half year long nomination process, which was pretty much a process of self evisceration, it will now be a struggle for them to win.
So, what I'm askin is; will some one...any one...pleeeeze, tell thEgo-Maniacal Duo of Hillary and Bill to jus,

SHUT TH FUCK UP and GO AWAY!!

I tried! But obviously, they're not listenin to me I would be perfectly happy if I never heard another peep from either one of em fer th rest of my life!!

Pleeeze....any one?

th cap'm

P.S. When next you see either one of em on th TV, usher th kiddies outta th room, cus th portrait of Blind, Selfish, Greedy Ambition is not one fer innocent young eyes!!! They see enuff garbage already on tv.