June 10, 2005
Dreck is The Captain...sidekick of Duckman, owner of cheap tires.
Date: Friday, June 10, 2005 4:33 PM
Last night I'm sittin there in th' saloon. It's dark and smoky andthere's
a band playin' rilly loud. I happened ta' notice this dude sittin'
a couple of stools away and he's leanin' with his nose jus' inches
away from th' bar and he's writin' somethin'. I thought he wuz workin'
a crossword puzzle.
I glanced over in his direction a few minutes later and I now see he's got a brush in his hand and he's workin' with some water colors! Ha ha. Th' dude is creatin' a work of Art right there in th' saloon!!
I know this clown mus' be sittin' there thinkin' how cool he is,
and how every one else mus' be thinkin' th' same thing....y'know,
look there! th' young Artist..... Creating a Work of Art in a bar,
no less, oblivious ta' th' noise and chaos all around him, concentratin'
on his Art! Obviously, one very cool, hip character, eh!
While I wuz watchin' him, he got a phone call. So now he's holdin'
th' phone in his left hand up ta' his right ear and is continuing
ta' do his brushwork with his right hand. I thought he might put his
brush down fer a sec, y'know, but noooooo, he can't be interrupted.
There are no Higher Priorities than th' Art, ya' dig!. So, he wuz
rappin' and doin' his 'art thing' at th' same time.
He wuz on th' phone fer at least 35-40 minutes. When he finally got
off th' phone, he got up ta' go ta' th' bathroom and so, outta' curiosity,
I stepped over ta' check out his creation. I stepped back over ta'
my stool chucklin' and shakin' my head in wonderment. Ha ha. All I
can say is.... th' next time this dude gets a call while he's workin'
on his Art, he needs ta' call his party back later, cuz like, this
dude don't need no distractions while he's workin'! Nah, cuz like,
whut he had created there looked like somthin' yer kindergartener
might bring home from school. After a couple obligatory "Oooohs"
and "Ahhhhs" and a day on th' refrigerator it would find
it's rightful place in th' trash can. But, I'm sure he would disagree.
He prolly found th' conversation inspirational. Artists!!!
P.S. Ya' already know how I feel bout cell phones and drivin'! Now
this guy has got me thinkin' bout cell phones and Artists. I got ta'
thinkin' bout how if Vincent had had a cell phone there in Arles,
interruptin' him alla' time. Workin' in that hot searing sun all afternoon,
in th' middle of a golden wheat field, bad hangover from all th' absinthe
from th' previous evenin', talkin' ta' Theo, with th' huge crows,
flyin' and squawkin' about goin',
"Hey yo Theo, I'm tryin' ta' work here!! How bout givin' me
a little slack, huh? It's hard fer me ta' be creatin' masterpieces
when yer callin' every ten minutes! I lose my concentration"
And I'm wonderin' whut effect it mighta' had on his oeuvre?
Th' most pervasive movie scene cliche EVER!!
Date: Friday, June 10, 2005 3:14 PM
This cliche is every where. It started no doubt in horror/mystery
movies, but now ya' can't get away from it.
Th' scene: A shot of th' full moon with some clouds passin' in front
Think about it! Ya've seen that scene hundreds of times. Now one
can understand it's place in certain genres where it's supposed ta'
invoke a sense of dread, or fear, or mystery, or suspense, y'know,
somthin' like that. All directors of such material continue ta' use
it even tho it's been done ta' death, and then again some!! Over and
over ad nauseum. But, no matter. Ya' jus' can't get away from it.
But then, you will see this in th' most unexpected places. I can't
believe how many times I've been watchin' some show, and it could
be any damn thing, and all of a sudden, there's this brief shot of
th' full moon and it has absolutely nothin' whut-so-ever ta' do with
any thing that's goin' on. And I'm wonderin',
"Why in th' fuck did they jus' show a shot of th' full moon
with clouds passin' by partially obscurin' it?"
If ya' pay attention you will even see this scene in sit-coms fer
some unfathomable reason. I mean, it's like a director says ta' some
"Hey, this here would be a good place ta' put that moon shot
And one of his assistants goes, "But Sid, this is a scene where
Joey loses an important phone number."
"I don't give a shit. Jus give me th' godam full moon shot!"
"OK. OK. Take it easy, will'ya! Hey boss, ya' want passin' clouds
with that, or whut?"
OK boyz and gurlz, keep yer eyes peeled and watch fer it. Ya' gotta
pay attention now, cuz ya've seen it so many times, it hardly even
registers. It flashes on and ya' don't even think about it, but next
time ya' see it ask yerself,
"Why did they jus' show me a picture of th' full moon? Whut
does it mean?"
Peoples WANTA' believe!!
Date: Saturday, June 4, 2005 5:03 PM
Our Kansas City Royals, as ya' may have heard else where, are th' worst team in baseball. How then ta' explain a sweep of th' Yankees and winnin' th' first game with Texas.
If ya' count 'em up; thas FOUR in a row! This is roughly th' equivalent
of turning water inta' wine. And a wine with a bold, audacious nose
Last nite, a gurl-type friend of mine suggested that
this was perhaps only th' beginnin; that they could possibly make
th' playoffs. OK, boyz and gurlz, this is where we do a loud, prolonged,
major GUFFAW. Y'know,th' kind thas' get ya' holdin' yer stomach.
I don't know whether they won their game this afternoon or not, but
if they did, th' World Series is not outta' th' picture; at least
ta' some peoples. Yeah, right! We might as well talk about Democracy
in Iraq. And speakin' of Iraq, if they ever should attain Democracy
there, there won't be anyone left ta' enjoy it. (sorry, got sidetracked
Th' cap't, part time sports guru at large, PREDICTS,
AT TH' END OF TH' SEASON, TH' ROYALS WILL STILL BE TH' WORST TEAM
And ya' know why? Cuz...THEY'RE TH' WORST TEAM IN BASEBALL, thas' why!!!
Sorry boyz and gurlz, I know thas' not whut ya' wanted ta' hear,
but thas' whut th' chicken entrails said. And who am I ta' dispute
th' immutable Laws of Nature! Fer further confirmation, take a sharp
right at th' Fold in th' Time Warp and ya'll see whut I'm sayin'.
Th' sometimes Sports Sage, th' cap't
Date: Saturday, June 4, 2005 4:25 PM
A conversation I had a couple of days ago with an elderly lady I
drive about, on th' way ta' th' beauty salon.
Her: "There's a man in my apartment building who is a yogurt
Me: "Oh really."
Her: "Yes, he even teaches classes right there in th' building."
Me: "In yogurt? I'll be darned."
Her: "My sister said I should enroll, but at my age I don't
Me: "Well, I wouldn't think age would have much to do with it.
It's never too late ta' learn."
Her: "There's no way I could twist these old bones around like
a pretzel. I'd break." (This is where th' flash went off in my
head. Y'know, th' breakthru ta' understanding.)
Me: "Well, there are some kinds of Yoga which older peoples
Her: Oh my gosh. Did you say Yoga? Goodness
gracious! Some how I knew yogurt didn't sound quite right."
And we both chuckled and chortled over that. When we arrived at th'
salon, I helped her outta' th' car and I told her I could pick up
a carton of raspberry yoga fer a little snack later on and she said,
And we did Take Two of th' chuckling scene.
fer a friend
Date: Friday, June 3, 2005 11:30 AM
Hey ya'll, I'm wonderin' if ya' could help me out. I'm tryin' ta'
get a message ta' a friend of mine, but I'm havin' a bit of difficulty.
Th' last I heard, he wuz in South Africa, Johannesburg, I believe.
He's a kinda tall, rangy dude, mebbe 6' 2-3" tall, and has black,
kinda curly hair. He answers ta' th' name, "Kurt".
If ya' see him, jus' tell him th' cap't said, "Yo, Kurt."
Thanks fer yur help. I knew I could count on ya'!
Old favorite expressions from days of yore
Date: Thursday, June 2, 2005 1:35 PM
"CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!"
If yer an older individual, perhaps ya' remember th' Adventures of
Mighty Mouse and recall "Oil Can Harry". He wuz Mighty Mouse's
nemesis. He wuz a tall lanky cat who always sported a three-quarter
length black coat and had a thin mustache that curled up at th' ends
and he wuz always twistin' it jus' so.
Whutever disparagin' things ya' might say bout' "Oil Can Harry",
and there wuz plenty, cuz he definitely wuz a naer-do-well, he wuz
always sartorially splendid in his black threads, while goin' on about
his nefarious business.
Harry y'see, had a nasty habit of tyin' Mitzi Mouse, who wuz Mighty
Mouse's main squeeze, ta' th' railroad tracks. I don't remember jus'
exactly why Harry felt th' compulsion ta' do this; maybe it wuz jus'
his hobby or somthin? Who knows whut Evil lurks in th' hearts of cats,
But, in any case, as a result of Harry's fixation on this, Mitzi
spent a good portion of her time trussed up there on th' railroad
tracks, while Harry lurked about behind a tree tweakin' th' ends of
his mustache in anticipation of th' train and Mitzi's subsequent demise......but,
invariably, at th' last second...... Mighty Mouse..... would swoop
in, jus' in th' nick of time ta' save th' day, thus causin' Harry
"CURSES. FOILED AGAIN!
P.S.Another favorite expression of mine is, "ZOUNDS". Mayhap, ya' recall DR. SIVANA, who wuz Captain Marvel's nemesis; HE used ta' say, "ZOUNDS!" as did I, in similar situations when Captain Marvel would disrupt our plans fer World Domination. Tho DR. SIVANA would have ridiculed Oil Can Harry's ambitions as rather limited and petty, when it came ta' "lookin' good", he wuz, as I recall, slovenly and unkempt in appearance. I don't think he ever put a comb ta' use, but whut th' hell, when ya' think about it, not such unusual behavior in a mad scientist, eh!?
Don't do this!!!
Date: Thursday, June 2, 2005 1:41 AM
Do ya' ever have someone tell ya' about a phone conversation they
had and they make that phone thing by extendin' their
thumb and little finger ta' simulate a phone? And then they recreate
th' conversation by talkin' inta their 'phone'?! Thanks fer th' clue
fuckhead, but thas' rilly not necessary.
Do these fuckin' peoples think we're not imaginative enuff ta' understand
that they wuz talikin' on th' phone unless they do that stupid hand
I see so many guests on various talk shows who do this. Where did
this mindless shit start any way? Didn't Bob Newhart used ta' do a
comedy skit where he did that? Is he responsible fer all this? I'd
be willin' ta' wager that these same peoples pack whack their cigarette
packs too! Th' intelligence level strike me as about equal.
So, awright boyz and gurlz....don't do that th' next time yer relatin'
a phone conversation ta' me ya' had. I don't know why exactly, but
it bugs me. OK! Cuz, like, we, myself included, are perfectly capable
of comprehendo th' scenario without th' visual clue.
So, knock it off.
Date: Monday, May 30, 2005 4:37 PM
Earlier today I wuz drivin' along and there wuz an SUV of some kind
or another in front of me with some kinda sticker in th' rear window
and I thought ta' myself,
"Hmmmm. I wonder? Does th' owner of this vehicle have any dogs,
like, maybe, some Rhodesian Ridgebacks fr'instance? Or children perhaps?
And if so, I wonder in any of 'em are on th Honor Role, or maybe in
th' Boy Scouts? I wonder?"
So I speeded up a bit so I could get a closer look and, wonder of
wonders, there wuz a sticker in th' rear window that said,
"I send my son and my money to Tulane University in New Orleans."
And even tho I din't know whether his spawn wuz on th' Honor Role
and whether he wuz proud of 'im or anything like that, at least I
knew whut college his son attended, and so naturally, I felt a lot
better about th' state of th World. And of course th' manner in which
he conveyed that info wuz jus' sooo fuckin' cute, don'cha think?
I jus' wish there wuz some way I could get on their XMas mailing list and receive their annual progress report as parents, and as Humans. With some pics of course. I love those long-winded four-page affairs where I can share every single fantastic feat each and every member in th' family has accomplished. I wanna' know about th' promotions, th' new cars, th' new house, th' vacations, th' grades of their incredibly intelligent children, th' Awards, th' business accolades..... I wanna' know it all.
Bumper stickers jus' leave me wantin' more!
A Day in the Life and Death of Zoomer
Date: Monday, May 30, 2005 12:49 AM
Jus' a few short years ago I shared my living quarters with many,
many cucarachas. I mean. a lotta' fuckin' roaches! They were everywhere!
They were so bold and brazen with their numbers they didn't even scurry
any more when I turned th' lights on, figurin' their odds of getting
squashed were too small ta' bother with. They crawled across my face
at night. Each day I woke, I had ta' discard th' carcasses of those
unfortunates who I had rolled over on durin' th' night. I developed
a deep-seated loathin' of th' fuckers. They acted as tho THEY were
Lords of th' Manor; not me. As a result, I often had roaches on my
At th' time I wuz thinkin' bout writin' a novel. It wuz goin' ta
be about one cockroach in particular, a roach named Zoomer.
Zoomer had lived his entire life in my microwave oven. He had never
been outside, all he knew wuz th' Chamber of Food, the giant Wheel
of Life, where the gods provided all their food needs.
When the Light of Life came on, Las Cucarachas knew there was food
coming soon. Th' foods were placed on th' Wheel of Plenty. No one
knew why th' gods chose ta' provide sustenance for them in such a
fashion; it wuz jus' understood that th' gods worked in mysterious
When th' giant door clanged shut, and th' Wheel of Plenty began ta'
rotate, huge chunks were magically torn from foods placed there, stickin'
ta th' walls of th' chamber, where they were easily consumed when
th' ringin' of th' Bell indicated they were ready.
It wuz a good Life. A roach really couldn't ask fer more. Th' warmth,
th' security, th' inner chamber. But one day this roach, his friends
called him Zoomer, had a strong inexplicable urge ta' see whut lay
outside th' chamber. Zoomer has always had an adventurous aspect about
him. He wuz dissatisfied with th' status quo. Zoomer wanted somethin'
more. He wuzn't exactly sure jus' whut he felt wuz missin' cuz it
wuzn't somethin' he could articulate, but there was a Void in his
life. He felt a compulsive urge ta' go on a Quest, not unlike the
dreamwalk of the aborigines called the walkabout.
So, finally decidin' ta' go, he bade farewell to his friends and
family. Zoomer felt light hearted and giddy, and for th' first time
in his life he had a sense of Freedom he had never experienced there
in the security of the nest.
And so, off he went ta' see whut lay in th' world beyond! But this
wuz not Zoomer's day. Th' gods in their mysterious workins had other
plans fer him, cuz he had barely left th' confines of th' nest, havin'
only takin' a few steps, when suddenly, he felt himself being propelled
He didn't think he wuz ever going ta land. When suddenly, he landed
with a hard thump. Zoomer knew immediately he had broken two more
legs, but before he could even begin to flee, he saw a giant creature
hovering over him, with huge glass shields over his eyes and he wuz
holdin' in one claw, a huge chemical weapon of mass destruction, and
before he wuz even able ta move he heard a terrible hissing sound.
From th' stories and legends he had heard in th' past he knew he wuz
in th' grasp of th' creature known as th' Cap't and he realised that
he wuz in mortal danger.
As he breathed th' deadly fumes, he wuz unable ta' breathe, He felt
as though he were on fire.He immediately flipped himself on ta' his
back, as wuz th' custom among his kind, and frantically began gaspin'
fer air while his legs were writhing uncontrollably. As he looked
up he could see the giant looming over him and he heard a loud rumbling
noise that sounded like,
"TAKE THAT YA' LITTLE MUTHERFUCKER!!"
and he knew there would be no mercy fer him. And he heard the horrible
hissing sound again and he felt th' poisonous cloud envelope him and
even as he felt his Life Force deserting him, his whole life flashed
in front of his eyes.
And so, the book was goin' to be a 700 page James Joyce Thomas-Pynchonesque
cockroachstreamofconscioness account of his life.
And as the book ended Zoomer felt a great sadness and jus' before
th' final curtain of blackness completely engulfed him he had but
one final thought, and it was this.
"Damn! I wish I'd stayed home today!"
But then, after thinkin' on it some, I changed my mind and decided
ta' have a peanut butter sandwich instead. Fuck a book 'bout a fuckin'
cockroach! One can always write novels, but a peanut butter sandwich
is not to be put off. It simply isn't done Horace!
P.S. In th' place I live now, I have seen only one cockroach here
in five years! My blood ran cold and my heart skipped a beat one drunken'
mornin' when I detected movement on my kitchen table, where there
shouldn't have been any. I suspect he wuz a scout for those I left
Date: Sunday, May 29, 2005 10:54 PM
So, like, how in th' world did Any place in Kanasa come to be called
P.S. I wonder if th' peoples there ever considered changin' their name ta' Conservative?
Jag at Mike's
Date: Friday, May 27, 2005 12:40 PM
Hey ya'll, I've sent this pic before, but here's my favorite saloon
and thas' my 50' Jag in front.
Th' Madness goes on...and on....and on
Date: Friday, May 27, 2005 12:18 PM
It wuz jus' last night, I wuz sittin' there in th' saloon, quietly
quaffin' my brew, when th' clyde on my right started packin' his squares,
then th' gurl on my left start packin' hers, and then some loon behind
me....... yeah, same thing.
WACK, WACK, WACK, WHAM, WHAM, WHACK, WHAM
y'know, on and on and on. Sheeit! It wuz like Dolby Surround Cigarette
Pack Wackin Sound. All around me. Man, gimme a Fuckin' break! Whut
d'ya say?! This mindless shit drives me nuts. I'm afraid one of these
evenings I'm gonna' lose it and as they say, "snap". I can
see the headline now:
THE CAP'T GOES AMOK. WHACKS HEAD OFF CIGARETTE PACK WACKER.
Where can I go ta get away from these Assholes? Do peoples in other
cities, states, countries do this sorta' thing? Or, are we jus' cursed
here in our region with a plethora of fuckin' morons? My guess is
that this prolly started in Kansas! That is one plausible explanation
ta' me'. Blame it on Kansas, cuz, after all, these are peoples who
if ya' knocked them up th' side of th' head with a full beer bottle,
ya'd get a sound jus' like when ya' pop a bottle of Champagne. Y'know,
like.... THOWK! But, of course! whut else? There's no gray matter
there. Only a huge Black Void. Emptiness. Nada fuckin' thing! Or,
as the eminent theoretical-physicist Roberto Duran put it.
"No Mass. No Mass."
Is there some country (Afghanistan, Uzbekistan perhaps) where the Cigarette Pack Wackin Po-Lice simply come up behind an Offender and summarily execute them right on the spot. Put a Black Talon right in the back of their heads, thus ridding society of one more fuckin' cretin, so that th' rest of us may continue ta' quaff our brews in peace and serenity. Book me a flight. Charter me a boat. Get me a bus/train ticket. Whut th' fuck, get me a map and I'll hitch hike. Lemme know!
P.S. Should you be one among those who have done this before, the
above message is not about YOU. It's about those OTHER peoples. But,
please.... do me a favor will'ya? Do NOT use yur cell phone when I
am behind ya'!!!! I am currently writin' a ballad about such cell
phone abusers and my relationship with them: It's called,
"BLOOD ON THE ROAD!"
Date: Wednesday, May 25, 2005 5:56 PM
My friend Mike G. sent this ta' me. Fer many peoples, playin' this
would be akin ta' a chessmaster playin tic tac toe, but th' last video
game I played wuz "pong". Ha ha, and that ain't no jive
either. That woulda' been around 74' or so.
Since then, in th' last 30 years, I unnerstan' th' games have gotten
more complicated, but fer a dinosaur like myself, this game pushes
me ta' my video game limits. But hey, I'm gettin better! And havin
FUN doin' so.
Check it out below, Click on "parachutes" and wait jus'
a few secs fer it ta' load until it says,"Start game" and
let 'er rip. Try and keep Daffy from goin' SPLAT!!
The saga of
the DUCKMAN continues, ad infinitum it would seem.
Date: Saturday, May 21, 2005 1:22 PM
In our last episode, through th' Duckman's heroic actions, tragedy
As we stood there, amidst th' chaos and disarray, th' flour everywhere,
th' smoke, th' ashes, with ever so tiny, wispy particles of somethin'
or other fallin' all around us, like some kind of gentle black snow,
I thanked him, on behalf of all th' peoples who live in th' Midtown
area, fer we prolly would have all perished had he not intervened.
My name, no doubt would have forever issued forth in th' same breath
with that of Mrs. O'Leary's cow. Years later, peoples would still
be talkin' bout Th' Great Conflagration that burned Kansas City to
the ground as the result of a misguided attempt by Capt. Hoohah to
warm up a donut. This is a legacy one would not aspire to!
The DUCKMAN accepted my gratitude and obsequious accolades with equanimity
and good grace. And then, as though an afterthought, by way of makin'
small conversation, he said to me,
"Y'know, my extremely keen duck sense of smell alerts me to
some nuance of........... of..........I can't quite put my wing on
and then, after a moment of reflection, "I know... it smells
"Well yes, how right you are sir."
I said, with a sheepish grin,
"See, I wuz in th' process of warmin' up a donut, y'know, just
before ya' arrived. All of this is jus' a result of my efforts. Apparently,
it seems I over did it. heh heh. Whut a waste, huh!"
"Perhaps!" he chortled "But, maybe not. Let's take
a closer look."
And he pulled a small brush off his DUCK UTILITY BELT.
"Normally, I use this fer archaeological digs, but I think it
will serve our purpose."
And he proceeded ta' softly brush away th' flour on top of and surroundin'
th' black mass on th' stove top, until, shortly, there it emerged.
th' Donut itself. A-la-Capt-Hoohah style. Slightly charred and blackened,
jus' th' way he likes em'.
Reachin' fer his DUCK UTILITY BELT once again, he retrieved a knife
and fork and two small, delicate, Meissen saucers and cut off a small
piece, and handed it to me. I took a bite.
"Hmmm. Yeah. Delightful! Hmmmm, quite yummy"
"May I?" he said,
"But, to be sure, Ducky" I replied.
Then, usin' th' small portable cappuccino machine (yes, from off
his DUB) he brewed us a couple cups of a very fine Almond Mocha blend,
on top of which he deftly squirted a large dollop of frothy whipped
cream. And so the DUCKMAN and I shared a nice repast there, just below
"Oh that!" he replied with a smug grin,
"Yes, I had no idea at th' time that peoples would so embrace
"Well," I said, "back in those teenage hooligan days
of th 50s, not everyone wuz exactly enamored of it. Jus' those
of us who waaddled ta' a different quack."
And sd, after our enjoyable interlude there in th' remains of th'
kitchen, th Duckman said,
"Thank you Cap't fer yer gracious hospitality. I'm glad I was
able to be of some service to you, I will consider your offer ta'
help me fight Crime and Evil Doers, such as rude and imperious wait/staff
persons, for example, but now, I must be on my way, as others may
be needing my help. Perhaps tho, you could help me in my take off.
It appears it could be dicey."
"I am yur humble servant, sir." I replied.
Reflectin' back on it, I realise that this mode of donut preparation,
with th' fires, and all th' commotion and all, may be off-puttin'
to some, Should you attempt ta' do yur own donuts in this style, always
keep in mind Santayana's words, which in times of stress I always
find most comfortin'. They may strengthen yur resolve to see yur way
through to its ultimately pleasant culinary conclusion.
P.S.Ta' be brutally candid, this whole scenario wuz NOT exactly my
original plan ta' begin with, but as ya' know, some times in our endeavors,
Lady Fortuna steps in, and our plans go awry!
WE ALREADY KNOW OF THE HIGHLY DANGEROUS LANDING THE DUCKMAN MADE
ON THE PORCH.
Capt. HooHaaaaaaah, Awaaaay!
A kinda, "Universal
Date: Thursday, May 19, 2005 3:19 PM
I saw a pick-up truuuck a little while ago that had written on it's
"God bless EVERYONE, and God bless ALL LIVING THINGS."
Whew! I guess that pretty much covers it, don't it! Ya' notice how
Geo. Bush and Co. only say,
"God bless YOU and God bless AMERIKA!"
Th' other 6 1/2 billions of peoples and 180-90-some-odd countries
can get their own damn blessings!!
And as far as blessin' "All Living Things", sheeit, there's only so much one God can do!!
Knowwhutahmsayin'. Like, this One takes six days jus' ta' make a
world, then he's gotta' take a day off and rest. Whut kinda
god is that? Huh? Think of all th' other stuff he coulda' made while
he wuz napping!
And, how long's it gonna' take him ta' bless All Living Things? Thas'
quite a task! I hope all you living things out there are patient,
cuz this may take a while!!
answer to many needs
Date: Thursday, May 19, 2005 1:25 PM
(My friend mike g. sent this ta' me. in my role as World Health
Promoter, I'm passin' it on. after readin' it, I immediately went
ta' th' store and bought myself a huge clump of bananas and I'm now
doin' th' meenky thing. I'm suspectin' tho that th' National Association
for th' Advancement of Bananas had somethin' ta' do with crafting
this message. Ha ha. In any case, make of it whut you will)
BANANAS. Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and
glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained
and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two
bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No
wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading
athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep
fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of
illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
(I'm sittin' here right now, gobblin' bananas and shovin' 'em in
my face jus' as fast as i can)
Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst
people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating
a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein
that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve
your mood and generally make you feel happier.
(Still, not as good as weed tho)
PMS: Forget the pills eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains
regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
(Sometimes known as "mad cow disease". Ha ha. I'm jus'
kidding gurlz. rilly! jus' a dumb sexist joke from a dumb sexist pig,
Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin
in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium
yet low in salt, making it the perfect to beat blood pressure. So
much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the
banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to
reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
(Really?! They wouldn't jive us would they?)
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were
helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast,
break and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has
shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making
pupils more alert.
(This strikes me as whut they call "anecdotal", eh?)
Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help
restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without
resorting to laxatives.
Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make
a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach
and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels,
while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
(Fortunately, I don't suffer from this disorder, but I love banana
milkshakes anyway, jus' fer th' sheer fuckin' delight of 'em!)
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so
if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
(A couple of tokes will accomplish th' same thing.)
(If ya' blow some marijuana smoke at them, they won't even bother
you, cuz they won't have th' time or inclination ta' be suckin' no
blood cuz they'll be too wrapped up tryin' ta' figure out their place
in th' scheme of th' universe)
Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous
(Once again, not as good as herb)
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in
Austria (th' Institute of Psychology in Austria? Ok, if you say so)
found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate
and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found
the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report
concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control
our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every
two hours to keep levels steady.
(Perhaps in this instance, if yer tryin' ta' lose weight, ya' might
wanna cut down on yer herb consumption level, so as not ta' be scarfin'
down as many twinkies)
Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal
disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only
raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases.
It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating
the lining of the stomach.
(Th' message here I guess, is that bananas are "cool",
but hey, if it works fer thai gurlz, whut th' hell, who am i ta' dispute
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers
because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
(Hey, we know a little bit of THC always brightens things up)
Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking.
The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found
in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
(I quit smokin' tobacco 9 months ago after 48 years, and found my
daily dose of weed relieved any withdrawal symptoms I might have otherwise
Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat,
sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance.
When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our
potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium
Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine
eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death
by strokes by as much as 40%!
(40%? oh c'mon! some slack please)
Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want
to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the
wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with
a plaster or surgical tape!
(Right now as I type this, I 'm sittin' here with a flap of banana
draped over my nose)
So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compareit
to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate,
three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and
twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium
and is one of the best value foods around. So maybe its time to change
that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps
the doctor away!"
(Veddy intersting! Not sure how accurate it all is tho, but I'm gonna
increase my banana consumption jus' in case)
P.S. And by th' way, I don't guess I gotta' tell ya' why those meenkeys are so happy alla time, but I'll give ya a clue; it don't have nothin' ta do with no steeenking bananas!
Osama bin laden,
Al-Quaida, telemarketers, and other terrorists
Date: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 4:41 PM
It is now around four in th' afternoon and already I have been assaulted
by five different telemarketers. Th' first attack came at 8:30 this
morning. I wuz totally unprepared as I had only gone ta' bed jus'
a few short hours earlier. Damn their eyes!! These anonymous assholes
who disturb my peace and harmony. I said ta' this gurl in my most
pleasant voice, well, as pleasant as I could muster, given that I
had jus' been jolted awake,
"Excuse me miss. Disregard th' fact that ya' have awakened me
out of a deep and satisfying sleep, but why would ya' think I would
need aluminium siding since I live in a rented apartment? YOU MOTHERFUCKING
This last part I uttered in a quavering shriek and then after that,
I said some very uncourteous things to her in an ever increasing pitch....oh
th' Banshee would'a been envious! Upon which she hung up on me, without
so much as a 'Good bye sir', or, "Have a nice one' or any other
goddam thing! And I hadn't even had a chance ta' tell her whut a harlot,
whore, slut bitch she wuz yet, and POOF...she wuz gone. Jus' like
These young pipples today jus' have no manners!! It took me another
hour ta' get back ta' sleep. So ever since I woke up, I'm wonderin'.......how
do I go about trackin' and runnin' this person to ground, who wantonly
assailed me in my sleeping hours. Must I send 'tunnel rats' into th'
mountain lairs where she and others like her seek refuge? Do I need
ta' mount an assault on th' trailer parks where those of her ilk are
housed and supported? Does everyone get these calls in the quantities
I do? Is this normal? Do other peoples get 5 or 6 calls a day from
imbeciles tryin' to sell ya' things ya' don't want or need, or already
Or, is this, as I suspect, part of th' ongoin' conspiracy against
me, by those nameless cowards who will not face me mano a mano? Is
this all part of some psy/ops plot where they think that by deprivin'
me of my sleep, they will turn my mind ta' mush?? haha Whut a waste
of time!! Th' jokes on them since I already beat them ta' the punch
a long time ago my own damn bad self!
Now, I'm jus' sittin' here...... twiddlin' my thumbs..... waitin'
patiently and expectantly.....waitin' fer that next call!
P.S. By th' way, should ya' ever call me, and don't respond IMMEDIATELY ta' my Hello and are then greeted by a stream of obscenities, you'll know why. This has happened before, somewhat to my embarrassment. "Oh qgee grandma, I didn't know that wuz you!"
Th' late Mary Worth, RIP.
Date: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 12:57 PM
I wuz sittin' here readin' the comics page from this past Sunday,
and it occurred ta' me how much I miss Mary Worth. I recall my bitterness
a couple of years ago, when th' ignerent masses of Kansas City voted
to remove her from th' comics page. I remember thinkin' at th' time,
"Pray tell, what in th' fuck is the matter with you peoples?
Have ya' taken leave of yer senses? Have ya' gone stark, ravin' bonkers?
How could ya' overwhelmingly vote to eliminate Mary Worth from th'
comics page? How can one not enjoy th' cheesy, smarmy dialogue? Th'
ludicrous plots and absurd characterization....th' silly names of
th' characters....th' art work which so perfectly matched th' blandness
of everything else?"
Look here, ya' read Mary Worth with th' same kinda' attitude and
expectation that ya' watch a Roger Corman or Ed Wood movie. Like fr'instance,
how can one not enjoy "PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE"? It's not
th' kinda movie ta' be taken too seriously, know whut I mean! Same
thing with Mary Worth!
In th' last episode of MW, before she wuz unceremoniously yanked
from my grasp, without resolvin' th' issues th' characters were dealin'
with, ya' had a character who said ta' his gurlfriend who had jus'
accused him of some sort of chicanery,
"Twas' not me, dear lady." Ha ha.
Where else ya' gonna hear a line like that? Ya' had a teenager who
referred ta' his mother as, "Mumsy". Once again, I mean,
c'mon, where else ya' gonna' find Gold like that? Th' answer, my friend,
is blowin' in th' wind, or, as our black feathered avian friend said,
Sigh. Life goes on, albeit, not quite so brightly.
P.S. As an example of th' mindless, soul less crap that replaced th' inimitable Mrs. W, check out "Spot" on th' lower part of th' first page. It has never once, not once mind you, even bought a smile ta' my mind.......forget about a chuckle!
A senior govt. official,
speaking on condition of anonymity, said...
Date: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 4:46 AM
(I wrote the above title on March 25, 2002)
I'm sure you have heard by now that the Newsweek article that
ran about 11-12 days ago, alleged that guards down at Gitmo, flushed
a Quran down a toilet ta' try and break detainees, has
turned out ta' be false! In other words; it wasn't true!
Because of this article, Amerikan prestige, if such an animal even
exists any more, was badly damaged, and ensuing riots by outraged
Afghanistanis killed some 18 peoples, including a couple of Amerikan
soldiers. This article was based on a high-level government source
who claimed anonymity.
Now, the media, the White House, the Pentagon, the Democrats, the
Republicans, and Merle's brother-in-law are all trying to figure how
this happened? What a crock of shit? This practice goes on daily,
and has been going on forever! I wrote this bit of drivel three years
ago, so you see, once again, th' cap't was ahead of the curve, what
3/25/02 What the fuck is the deal with this phrase anyway? Every
single day as I read the paper I see this phrase 6, 7, 10 times in
the front section of the paper, usually concerning Afghanistan, but
certainly not necessarily so. It could be economics, national policy,
homeland security etc. etc...on and on and on. no one is willing to
make a statement about any fucking thing, and admit they were the
one who actually made the statement.
Hell, I read in just one article on Afghanistan recently where four
different senior government officials, including one Afghan
official, fr'chrissake, invoked the anonymity bit. Sheeeit, what's
with that? 98% of the American public couldn't name you TWO Afghan
officials in the first place, so...to what end this desire for anonymity?
Besides, as we all know now, cuz we are told this daily, in most every
article we read, and in every news report we hear, that most Afghans
only use one name anyway, what difference would it make if we found
out Fred said that? Who in the fuck is Fred, we would
We never know who exactly said what, and why they won't cop out to
it and take responsibility for having said it? Is there no senior
government official Anywhere? Even in Afghanistan? Who is willing
to be quoted as making a particular statement? What kind of news is
it? And how credible is it when the person saying it refuses to acknowledge
that he said it??
I guess these senior government officials call a press
conference and say,
"Ok, yo, i got some stuff to tell you, but here's the deal,
if you are going to quote me on it, then i won't tell you!!! "
and the reporters all go,
"Ok, ok, it's the old, "speaking on condition of anonymity"
bit, right? No problem, ese, we can do that!! whadda'ya hear? "
And then the official tells them the latest gossip he heard while
lurking about the water cooler perhaps. Maybe he heard it from Betty
in human resources! Who knows? Who cares? Cuz, He won't ever have
to explain or defend it anyway. Shit, tell em' what your 12 year old
said over the breakfast table earlier in the day.
Now, I do know why they use this ploy. It really isn't anything new!
There has been a long standing process of leaking information to the
public that the govt. would rather not make officially.
But the frequency and abuse of it's use has really gotten out of control.
It is now, simply, standard operating procedure!! I suppose soon we
will be reading things like,
"The president, speaking on condition on anonymity, said if
Saddam Hussein keeps fronting us attitude, we will rain
nukes on him like a summer thunderstorm!!"
These "anonymous sources". Fuck 'em!!
Campbell's soup, it's whut's happenin'!! They say.
Date: Tuesday, May 17, 2005 12:38 AM
Earlier today, I wuz lying around th' crib all afternoon, with nothin'
ta' do, bored, y'know. So ta' pass th' time I wuz kickin' back on
th' sofa here, readin' a can of Campbell's soup. (hey! a lotta' bored
peoples read soup cans)
This is whut it said there and I quote,
"A quick meal in five minutes...chicken noodle soup and your
favorite sandwich......a quick and simple meal that's FUN to eat!!!
Add a delicious bowl of America's favorite chicken noodle soup with
lots of yummy noodles to your favorite sandwich...... eating noodles
is so much FUN!!...you're sure to smile,"
Well gee whiz, I fer one, would like ta' thank Campbell's fer this bit of culinary treasure. I mean, who amongst us, on our own, would have ever thought of that?
"soup.... AND..... a sandwich" Damn!
Whut a novel concept, eh? But then, on th' other hand, reflectin'
on whut I had jus' read, y'know.....bout' the FUN thing and all, once
again, I feel as though I've been left out all my life, sittin' on
th' sidelines once more, while every one else around wuz havin' FUN!!!
Like, fr'instance, when guys in th' neighborhood were selectin' guys
fer their team, and I'm th' last guy standin' there, and one dude
says ta' th' other,
"Hey yo, it's yer turn!"
and my other chum says,
"Hey, no fair!. Drecks' th' onliest one left!"
"Don't matter! It's still yer turn! Ya' gotta' pick."
and I'd settle th' issue by sayin',
"Fuck you assholes! I'm goin' lookin' fer an Ivory-billed Woodpecker
anyway. I don't have time fer yur dumb-ass baseball games! Fuckin'
waste of time any way!!"
(I wonder if that had anythin' ta' do with my life-long antipathy
ta' baseball? Nah! cuz hey, I'm not bitter or nothin')
Sheeit. I mean, I jus' never really appreciated that eatin' chicken
noodle soup could be so much FUN as they said. I wish I'd known that
back then!! Hell, I coulda' jus' sat there, eatin' Campbell's chicken
noodle soup by myself and havin' a blast, cuz let's face it; whut
were my chances of spottin' an Ivory-billed Woodpecker* anyway?
"Fuck you! I don't need ya'! I gots some Campbell's chicken
noodle soup, so nyah, nyah, nyah!"
Now, 50 years later, findin' all this out; I feel so bad, y'know,
cuz, it's kinda late now, like Thomas Wolfe said, "Ya' can't
go home again ace!!"
And still, I'm sittin' around readin' th' labels on soup cans? Whut's
wrong with me that I can't have FUN like everyone else?
Hell, all those years, I jus' been eatin' noodles cuz I wuz hongry,
and never knew that I wuz suppose to be havin' a FUN experience.
Sheeit. Now, I'm kinda leery bout' readin' any more packages from
my kitchen shelves, cuz there's no tellin' whut else I may have been
missin' out on!!! I'd rather not even dwell on it. Fuck a buncha'
Campbell's chicken noodle soup! I'm jus' gonna' get stoned instead.
I don't give a shit whut anyone says; thas' always FUN ta' me!! Don't
need no steeenking chicken noodle soup or stupid games! Jus' gimme'
a big, fat sensimilla joint!
* Speakin' of Ivory-billed Woodpeckers; they jus' spotted one down in Arkansas recently fer th' first time in a hundred years! A hundred years!!! Can ya' dig that? No big mystery I guess, why I never spied any of 'em hangin' around Dayton, Ohio in 1951, eh?
THE DUCKMAN: to the
Date: Monday, May 16, 2005 2:41 AM
When last we left th' Capt. he wuz confronted with a sheet of flame
there in th' kitchen/lab. But th' Cap't didn't panic; remainin' calm,
he chose ta' summon the DUCKMAN. This he accomplished by usin' his
old DUCKMAN SUMMONER which he had obtained years ago in a package
of cereal, never thinkin' someday he would actually have occasion
ta' use it.
Our story continues
He flashed th' Duck silhouette on th' nearest cloud. Mere seconds
later his phone rang and before he wuz even able ta speak he heard
th' unmistakeable voice of the DUCKMAN,
"This is the DUCKMAN here. Are you in distress?"
"Well yeah," I said, "Whadda'ya think? I called to
chat about th' fuckin' weather or somethin'?"
"Please Sir, Keep calm .... while there is a proper time and
place for sarcasm.... I suspect this is neither. Stay on the line.
I'm going to need your assistance landing. Please step out onto your
So, while the fire is raging in the kitchen/lab, I go out to th'
front porch and I can see th' DUCKMAN approachin' in th' distance.
"Can you ID me?"
It seemed like a foolish time to be checking fer ID's, but whut th'
"Yeah, Roger that!"
Hey, this is kinda cool. Y'know, the human drama and all like that.
I'm gonna talk the' DUCKMAN in fer a landin'. I've seen this scene
in th' movies bunches of times before. Now it's happening to me, right
here in real life. I think I'll give him the call sign White Fowl
One. Thas' cool. So, as per Mr. D's instructions, I put a cigarette
lighter in each hand and proceeded ta guide him in.
"Yur a bit too low in yer approach, White Fowl One. Do ya' read
me?.....Pull it up!" I said trying not to let my voice reveal
"Roger. copy that" he said.
But he wuz still too low.
"White Fowl One, this is th' Captain speakin', Pull it up! Pull
it up!!" And now I was gettin' a little frantic, cuz it wuz obvious
he wuz goin' ta' crash inta' th' edge of th' porch.
"White Fowl One. You're comin' in too hot! Do you read me White
Fowl One? Fer th' Love of God, Gander, pull it up!!" I cried
And as he came in, for a moment, Time itself seemed to stand still,
(later, we will discuss this in more depth, fer now jus' let me leave
ya' with a quote from Albert Einstein, "Time is only an illusion,
albeit a persistent one") and my life flashed before my eyes
and I thought,
"Oh fuck. Do I havta' go through all that shit again?"
But then, at th' very last second, with his huge webbed feet splayed
out, he cleared th' edge and hit heavily, deployin' his drag chute,
and throwin' his wings into a reverse flutter, careening and skidding
madly along the wet porch....and finally comin' ta' a stop mere inches
from the front door.
"Whew!" he said, wipin' a bead of perspiration off his
"I thought I wuz a dead duck there fer a second. Heh heh"
he exclaimed with a nervous, self-conscious chortle.
"So...may I hep you?" he said in an unnaturally high voice.
So I said, somewhat taken aback,
"Uh....yeah, um, gimme' a regular beef and some fries...."
"Stop that foolishness" he said sternly,
"Why did you summon me? And by the way, this is the 90s
y'know. You need to get my phone number, or my fax or E-Mail or something,
cuz I haven't responded to one of these antique methods in many years.
Yer lucky I happened ta' be airborne at th' moment."
and he gave me his card while I quickly led him ta' th' Inferno.
"Oh yeah, hmmmm, I see what you mean. A bit of a blaze, eh?
No problema. Stand back sir, I'll soon have everything under control"
Havin' said that, he went ta his DUCK UTILITY BELT and produced a
large cannister labled FLOUR which he proceeded ta' throw all over
th' stove and in nothing flat, th' blaze wuz contained. (sounds kinda
anti-climatic, don't it? "in nothing flat, the blaze was contained"Sheeit)
"Wow" I said, amazed, "How did you do that?"
"Pretty elementary my dear fellow." he said, though I detected
a trace of smugness there.
"Say, lemme' ask ya' somethin'?" I said. "I've always
been curious. Why do ya' wear that little mask over yur eyes? I mean,
as disguises go, It doesn't really do that much. No offense. And by
th' way, would ya' have any openings, y' know, in a sidekick kinda
fashion, cuz, like, all th' superheros I've read about all have a
partner of sorts ta' assist 'em, and like, I already got a name. I'm
Captain Hoohah see. And I'm pretty good at crafts and stuff so I could
make my own mask and all, and rig up some kinda uniform fer, y'know,
when we go out on patrol. Y'know, in th' daytime I could still be
jus' plain old mild mannered cab driver, Joe Dreck, ("Where in
the fuck did you learn to drive? YOU STUPID MUTHERFUCKING OLD BITCH!!")
and in th' evenings put on my outfit and become CAPTAIN HOOHAH, the
DUCKMAN's faithful companion in his ongoin' battle fer Truth and Justice
"Well", he said, in a kinda doubtful tone, "Thanks
kid, but, you know, I kinda like to work solo, if you know what I
"Kid?" This kinda rubbed me wrong and I thought ta' myself,
"Kid? Who th' fuck ya' callin' "kid" ya' dumb mutherquacker?"
But in my zeal ta' join forces with 'im, I let it pass without remarking
on it, and as he surveyed the chaos and destruction of our surroundings
there, he said further,
"And besides kid, I'm not sure if you're quite ready yet, know
whut ahm sayin."
to be continued
The Adventures of the Duckman; He saves mid-town Kansas City.
Date: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 4:33 PM
(I wrote about th' following events in March, 99. Man it doesn't
seem like this wuz six years ago. Time flies when yur havin' fun,
It wuz jus' last night. While th' populace of Kansas City slumbered,
unaware of th' potential disaster about ta' engulf 'em, th' DUCKMAN...
fortunately... wuzn't asleep! But wuz in fact... doing his thing.
That is, Soaring silently thru th' night time skies; Guardian of th'
Whut happened wuz...I FUCKED UP! I'll cop out to it. It wuz all my
fault. And th' irony is, it wuz only a couple of weeks ago, th' Honorable
Reverend Mayor, His Excellency, Lord Emmanuel Cleaver, proclaimed
FIRE AWARENESS WEEK. Perhaps ya' recall.
And so, since then, inspired by th' Mayor's plea, I have tried ta'
maintain an awareness and respect for th' hazards of FIRE. I guess
I shoulda' paid more attention!! But sheeit, that wuz a couple of
weeks ago!!... I mean... my attention span is not all that great,
So, last night... rather..... early this mornin', around 3:15, in
a sloshy kinda state of mind, "SNAFU" y'know whut I mean?
I placed a donut, still in it's bag in th' Radar Range (microwave
ta' you young folks)
Well.... I went about my other business there in th' lab, pourin'
some milk in anticipation, when... suddenly... I heard th' familiar
loud ZAPPING and POPPING sounds which I have become so familiar with.
I wuz somewhat surprised though cuz I jus' bought this outfit a month
or so ago, and wuzn't expectin' this kinda' action. Perchance ya'
recall my old unit had a hole burned in th' side about four inches
in diameter, forcin' me ta' take refuge behind my refrigerator door
Well, in any case, I noticed through th' window that, amidst all
th' electricity arcing back and forth, th' bag had caught on fire,
so I quickly removed it and set it on th' table and tried ta' blow
th' flames out.
MISTAKE #1. This wuz not a good idea since it only made th' situation
worse. It jus' fanned th' flames, don'cha see! Th' whole bag wuz on
fire now, and since I didn't want ta' burn my table top, I deftly
picked up th' whole flamin', smokin' affair and tossed it on top of
th' stove, where it could harmlessly burn itself out.
MISTAKE #2! This wuz most definitely a bad decision! Baaad Decision!
Since some (make that more than some) grease from a previous project
now erupted inta' flames. I wuz standin' there, immobile, starin'
at some pretty righteous flames shootin' up ta' my ceiling, and I
"Goddamn! Thas' th' only fuckin' donut I have!!! Sheeit. Fuck!"
While lamentin' th' loss of my donut I decided, maybe tho, it wuz
time ta' take some kinda action. Much ta' my credit and in spite of
a natural inclination ta' do so, I desisted from throwin' water on
th' blaze, which is whut I used ta' do in similar situations in th'
past. I learned this th' hard way from hands-on experience. Ya' might
wanta' jot this down yerself somewhere fer future reference, cuz it's
not a good idea ta' try and put out grease fires with water. I'm not
smoking ya' either. Don't try this at home kids, jus' take my word
for it! OK?!!
Whut I did wuz........I remained calm. I didn't panic and run aroun'
squawkin' like some fuckin' Chicken Little-type. No, I called fer
assistance, thas' right! Ya' guessed it!... I summoned "the DUCKMAN"!
ta' be continued
When searchin' fer
Answers, go ta' yer Bible.
Date: Saturday, May 7, 2005 6:07 PM
I woke up at 8:30 this morning and my left eye wuz burning somthin'
fierce. At first I figured it wuz jus' that ol' sensation ya' feel
sometimes, th' day after some excessive drinkin', y'know, where yer
thinkin', "Goodness Gracious!! Great Eyeballs of Fire!!"
y'know whut I mean!!
But it wuz only my left eye. Shortly, I realised it wuz jus' an eyelash
in my eye. No big deal, right? But, it very soon felt more like a
rock, and a very jagged rock indeed. I couldn't get back ta' sleep
until I got rid of it. I tried everything! I used th' entire contents
of a half bottle of Visine to no good purpose. I rubbed and rolled
my eye around tryin' ta' get it loose. I did this fer literally hours.
It wuz drivin' me Insane with th' pain and th' irritation. I wanted
ta' scream. I wanted ta' bang my head inta' th' wall and knock myself
out. Anything ta' make it go away!! I didn't know any good incantations.
Finally, after three and a half hours of anguish, I got up at noon,
havin' been unable ta' get back ta' sleep. I looked at my eye in th'
mirror and it wuz a bright tomato red with a big black dot in th'
I spent two more futile, agonizing hours with no results. Finally,
out of frustration and desperation I, like many peoples in a quandary,
resorted ta' th' Good Book fer some Inspiration.
After only a few minutes of searchin'. I wuz rewarded with this Gem,
"If thine eyeball offendeth thee, then plucketh it outeth!"
As I pondered on this, th' phrase, "Burn down th' barn ta' get
rid of rats" flashed thru my mind, followed by, "Throw out
th' baby with th' bath water."
Hmmmmm. It didn't seem ta' be th' most prudent course of action ta'
me. It seemed ta' be a rather radical cure, But then I thought,
"WELL, IF IT'S IN TH' BIBLE, IT MUST BE TRUE!!!"
Right? Cuz th' Bible is God's word direct from God hisself, ta' be
taken literally, word fer word. No off-th'-wall interpretations, Pleeese!!
Jus' like, fr'instance, how He made th' world in only six days, as
any good Kansan can tell ya', in spite of whut all those godless,
Commie Evolutionist claim.
So, now I know whut ta' do, ta' cleanse my eye, in spite of my misgivings. I know, I know.... cuz TH'
BIBLE TELLS ME SO!!!
The Duckman: The Feathered Fowl Crusader. He's out there!!
Date: Tuesday, May 3, 2005 5:37 PM
A young mother prepares her darling little four-year-old angel for
As they finish their prayers together on the floor, the little pixie
remembers something she forgot,
And then with a giggle, while mommy gives her a playful pat on her
rump, she scampers and snuggles her way to the end of the bed. Mommy
gives her a little tickle, evoking tiny squeals and giggles, while
she tucks the sheet under her chin and lovingly brushes aside her
Mommy gazes lovingly into her eyes, and says very softly, "I
love you, Precious."
Her young daughter looks at her with the wide eyed Innocence and
angelic smile only a four year old could possess, and says in a tiny
voice, "I know mommy. I luv you too."
While they spend this quiet priceless moment together, a soft summer
breeze wafts through the window, carrying with it a plaintive, and
yet re-assuring cry,
"Quaaack quack, qua quaaack!"
"Listen sweetie, it's the Duckman."
"I know, mommy"
Again, just barely audible now,
"Quuuuuuaaaack. qua, quuuuuuaaaaack!"
Mommy says, "The Duckman is flying high above the city, right
now, on his lonely vigil, watching over us and protecting us from
rude and churlish wait/staff persons and incompetent proof readers
and cell phone abusers and cliche users, and so on and so forth."
As her little daughters eyelids slowly close, she whispers, with
just a wisp of exasperation,
"I KNOW! mommy!!"
and even before Mommy's lips brush her rosy little cheek, she is
Remember boys and gurls, the Capon Crusader is watching over YOU
too tonight, so sleep well!
Another chili coupe
in the kitchen
Date: Tuesday, May 3, 2005 5:15 PM
I jus' got done samplin' some chili I prepared earlier today. Once
again, fer the second time in a row, it was excellent! Thas' twice
in two weeks I haven't been injured or had ta' call th' fire dept.
or transformed my chili inta' a block of lava!
I wonder if this is jus' a fluke, or whether tihs indicates that
perhaps.....jus' maybe that...... after twenty-five years of effort....
I am finally startin' ta' get th' hang....of that chili thang? hmmmmm.
I jus' say "NO"!
Date: Th' thrice-baked potato: Pushing the culinary envelope.
Have ya' ever had a twice-baked potato? I mean, whut's the deal with that? Sheeit
I decided I could do better than that. Thus, this afternoon, I decided
to explore......and go where no man.......blah, blah blah,
So...I wanted ta see whut would happen if we went one more time,
and go for th' Big Three! I carefully selected a fine idaho baking
potato and placed it in my 375 degree pre-heated oven. I let it bake
for a while. I'm not being deliberately vague here, it's jus' that
my timing device wuz malfunctionin' at th' time.
I placed my pet rock next to it, expectin' maybe some kind of interaction.
I watched them both very closely, fer a long time. I mean, very closely.
I wuz perfectly still, motionless, hopin' not ta' disrupt any dynamic
which might occur......I didn't move...... neither did they! I focused
my entire being on them. And then. at some point, I realized I could
no longer perceive either one of them. They had become invisible.
I said to myself,
"WOW, this is too much!"
but then I thought ta' myself,
"Hmmmm, not only can I not see the rock and the potato, I can't
see any fucking thing at all!! Have I gone utterly blind?"
I shrieked! in a brief moment of panic. But nothing so dramatic as
that had happened. No, no. It would seem that, so intent wuz I in
my observations, I had failed to realize that the sun had set and
it was now night time.
This explained a lot! So......in th' end,.. whut I wound up with,
wuz a rock and a potato sitting there on my counter.... in th' night
time darkness......perfectly still! Thas' it!!
So.... whut wuz I expectin', ya' ask? I dunno! Jus' somethin' more,
has' all. Ya'know! Jus' somethin' more!!! A thrice-baked potato? Pshaw!
Big fucking deal!! Some horizons jus' aren't worth th' effort, y'know
whut I mean?
Another of th' capt's consumer tips.
Date: Monday, May 2, 2005 2:15 PM
Jus' a short time ago, Dateline travelled about th' country
visiting numerous schools with' th' Health Inspectors ta' check on
th' safety of their lunches.
Not surprisingly, th' KC School District wuz one of th' worst they
tested. So...ya' might wanna' keep that in mind th' next time ya'
sneak inta' a school cafeteria tryin' ta' cop a free meal.
I jus' say "NO"!
Date: Monday, May 2, 2005 2:02 PM
Recently some one asked me if I would ever like to go on an ocean
cruise? I jus' said, "NO!" I won't be goin' on any ocean
cruise cuz; I don't like that whole "water thing." I stay
away from wading pools, ponds, lakes, creeks, rivers, streams, seas
and oceans and water puddles. (Ask Ira Hayes whut he thinks about
I don't go on any row boats, canoes, kayaks, water skies, jet skies,
surfboards, inner tubes, water slides, trawlers, fishing boats, ocean
liners, water-wings or any other kind of device that requires floating
"STAY AWAY FROM THE WATER" is my motto! Bad things can
happen there. Statistics show that water plays a major role in most
drownings. Like. fr'instance, I got rid of my bathtub a few years
ago after a harrowing experience I had there. I wuz sittin' in the
tub with my life preserver on, when I suddenly lost my grip on the
edge of the tub so that I wuz hangin' on with only one hand, thrashin'
about wildly, and in the process lost my grip altogether. My life
preserver malfunctioned and I was just about to go under fer th' third
and final time when my dog, havin' heard my pleas for help, managed
to grab me by the life preserver, and dragged me out of the tub and
immediately started applyin' the Heimlich maneuver. Yeah, thas' right!
The Heimlich maneuver!! This dog wasn't too bright. And I said,
"What in the fuck are you doing you dumb bitch?" *
It was a gurl dog, you see.
"Jeeeze! yur supposed ta' do 'mouth ta' mouth' in a situation
like this!! How many times I gotta' tell ya'?"
But seein' as how she had saved my life, I didn't press the issue
and rewarded her with a bowl of some of my special chili, which got
her droolin' and her tail waggin', as ya' can imagine!
Well anyway, I'm not gonna' be going on any ocean cruises anytime
in this lifetime. Perhaps next time around!
P.S. Wouldn't it be Ironic, if in my next Incarnation, I came back
as a sea slug?
* We've all prolly uttered this phrase some time before, haven't we? Usually while operatin' a motor vehicle! Ha ha
Date: Monday, May 2, 2005 1:27 PM
I read a review of a local band recently where they were described
as, "lyrically earnest and musically sound"
hmmmmmm.....I'm not exactly sure whut that means, but it doesn't
sound like a particularly enthusiastic endorsement ta' me.
Scuse me,"Lyrically earnest"??
Somthin ta' think about
Date: Sunday, May 1, 2005 12:47 PM
Last night in th' saloon I overheard this young dude tell his friend,
"This country is fast going to Hell in a hand-barrel!".
Say whut!! While I think I know what he wuz tryin' ta' say, I'm not
so sure jus' exactly whut a hand-barrel is? Have YOU ever seen a hand-barrel
before? Do they come in different colors? Are they bigger than a bread
box? When yer hand-barrel breaks down, where can ya' get it repaired?
Would it be tacky ta' give yer sweetheart a hand-barrel fer Valentines
Day rather than a box of chocolates? Do they use child labor in sweatshops
ta' manufacture these things?
These kinda questions and more, overload my mind, makin' sizzlin'
sounds. I don't like it when my brain sizzles. They're not supposed
ta' do that you know!!
Date: Sunday, May 1, 2005 12:04 PM
Ya' know, I haven't written very much lately. Some times th' mind
jus' goes blank, ya' know whut I mean? There's nothin' there. I'm
sure a lotta' peoples would agree with me on that one. I've sat on
my stool and came up with a number of things I wanted ta' express
later on, only ta' lose 'em ta' th' Short Term Memory Loss Syndrome.
Ya' know how that goes.
So I wuz jus' sittin' here for some moments with this incessant buzz
in my ear, y'know, "Bzzzzzzzzz, Bzzzzzzzzz, Bzzzzzzzz" and
I thought to myself,
"Eureka! Dayhm!.....sounds like I got one fuck of a good idea
But then, I jus' realized it wuz naught but a fucking gnat instead.
Th' cap't shares some of his secret culinary techniques.
Date:Sunday, May 1, 2005 11:38 AM
Jus' a little while ago I went searchin' through my fridge lookin'
fer something ta' fix fer lunch and I found half of a KC strip steak
I had bought X (classified) days ago. It had been hidden under some
(deleted) that I had also forgotten about.
So I took th' strip out and it was slimy ta' th' touch and it had
a, whut ya' might describe as an unpleasant aroma about it. Not ta'
worry cuz, bein' a person who doesn't like ta' waste anything, and
bein' cognizant of all th' peoples on earth who don't have any meat
at all ta' eat today, whut I did in this situation wuz......... I
went Real Heavy on th' garlic salt. We're talkin' HEAVY here boyz
and gurlz. Ya' wanna' coat that dude Real Good.
Next, I would strongly suggest that although yer personal tastes
may run ta' 'medium rare', as do mine, in this particular situation
I would go with th' "well done" when it comes ta' actual
cooking time. Actually I would go with th' "rilly well done"!
This helps purge yer meat of those nasty bacteria-types that are lurkin'
If ya' follow these two simple basic steps, that is, Heavy on th'
seasonings and Long on th' cookin', ya' can use this same technique
on jus' about anything ya' cook up. One additional thing though, ya'
will wanta' wash yer hands very throughly when ya' finish, cuz otherwise
those peoples who happen ta' use the same door handle as you, or perhaps
handle money ya' have been in contact with, will go home and become
violently ill. This is nothing more than simple common courtesy, eh.
So... th' next time ya' open a package of meat and retch, don't despair
at yer loss. Instead try this simple procedure first. And when yer
friends ask ya' bout yer secret preparation methods, jus' give em'
yer best Cheshire cat grin, and tell 'em it would spoil ('spoil' heh
heh) it fer them if ya' 'shared'.
P.S. By th' way, if I were you, I wouldn't mention my name in connection with this whole affair. Fer some reason, which I can never fathom, it dampens peoples enthusiasm when my name and foods are used in conjunction. Lots'a peoples jus' don't rilly appreciate my stature in th' Culinary Crafts. Gut appetît.
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