I woke up as usual around noonish today and picked up a book off my end table I'm reading and after a while I decided ta brew up a bit of some delicious hot tea. I had planned on usin my new tea brewin system, but as I went inta th kitchen I wuz unpleasantly surprised to find that my system wuz scattered all over th floor....in many small pieces!!

Godammit! Shit! And Ten Thousand More Curses!! I jus bought that sombitch three days ago.

Aw'right boyz and gurlz, I gotta Consumer Tip fer ya from th Cap'm.

Fer those of ya who happen ta be th occasional drunken stumble bum, this is especially pertinent fer you. As a matter of fact it is to you specifically I address this, cuz other folks got more sense!

OK, here it is, Do Not Ever Purchase an expensive GLASS Tea Brewing System. No, YA DON'T WANNA DO THAT. I would suggest rather that ya purchase one made out of a hardier, more durable material, like mebbe, case hardened steel, fr'instance.

Evidently, early in th morn when I came back ta th crib, fer some foolish and drunken reason I guess decided ta have a cup of hot vanilla/almond tea. And don't ask me whut in th fuck I wuz doin tryin ta brew up some hot tea at 3:30 in th morning after an evening of drunkenness and substance abuse, cuz I don't got a clue, ya know whut ahm sayin. I got nothin! All I can say is that I sometimes act irrationally around that section of time.

As ya know I jus purchased this damned thing three days ago, and I can't even tell ya why I bought it in th first place, cuz I'm not a hot tea drinker by trade. Th fact of th matter is, I acted impulsively. Hard ta believe? Well yeah, fer sure! I can't explain it, but I did.

This of course runs counter ta my well known penchant fer carefully analyzing and thinkin situations thru before makin any hasty and irrational moves, but in this case, my rational train of thought was derailed flinging my thoughts around like so many ziz-zagged rail road cars, totally fuckin up th linear process. As a result of that mental derailment I wound up with a GLASS tea pot strewn all over my kitchen floor.

I'm wonderin if there might be some relief fer me in th legal system tho, cuz I looked on th box, and nowhere there is there a cautionary note about operating it after imbibing alcoholic beverages. Doesn't that omission strike you as negligent on their part? Or, mebbe I can jus sweep up th pieces and take em back and dump em on th counter at Prydes and tell em th thing wuz defective! But ya know whut, I'm sure they'd jus try and weasel their way out of it and claim it wuz my fault, cuz ya know, thas th way a lotta peoples are; they always try and blame their shit on someone else!! Ain't it jus so!

th cap'm

P.S. A few minutes after learnin of th debacle in th kitchen, I went ta wash my hands and I had Julia's name written in ink on my left palm. Who's Julia ya ask? Sheet, ese. I wuz hopin you could tell me, cuz, like, I don't gotta clue!

My man Ernie H. wrote me back to correct a small error in my post about him. It seems he went to NORTHEAST rather than South East as I mentioned. A small geographical error as he noted. No big Deal. And besides, as others have observed bout us pre-boomers in our older age,

ARE WE NOT SOMETIMES JUS PLAIN FOOKIN STUPID!!! I guess so.

th cap'm

P.S. Fer th scores of former Southeast peoples spread all across this great land (God bless Amerika and God bless You )who were marking their calendars fer April 28th and eagerly makin travel plans fer their re-union, buyin their bus tickets and gettin out their hitchiking gear with their printed signs sayin "Southeast or Bust"...... um....sorry bout that!

But remember,

"To err is Human...blah, blah, blah"

and after all, ARE WE NOT HUMAN, GODAMMIT? Whut? Whad'ja expect? Ya want Perfection? Lotsa Luck on that one!! I'm suspectin yer prolly more than a few Re-Incarnations away from that yer own bad-self. So, while yer waitin, how bout practicin a little Humility, eh? And fer those who accuse me of bein thin skinned, unwilling ta accept a bit of criticism, lemme jus say this ....FUCK YOU!! Aw'right!

My buddy Ernie H, a good ol South East boy, wrote me th following regarding th Case of th Missing Keys.

****************

You know it reminds me of the Rainmakers' song, “Drinkin' On The Job.”

"The generation who was gonna change the world Is still searching for their car keys..."

******************

Ha ha That would be Us. Pretty apropos, eh! I cn certainly relate!! He wrote further.

*******************

"Speaking of which, April 29 we will be doing the benefit concert at NE HS. I know it is in the wee, wee hours for the Cap't, 5pm-9pm, but it would be downright rude not to invite the man who sold most of us our papers, bongs and other childhood toys..."

********************

Oh shucks Ernie, you are too kind! Should any of ya'll hail from that Era (‘60s) and area, keep this info in mind.

th cap'm

OK, today someone needs ta get in touch with Sherlock Holmes, or Guy Noir, or mebbe a psychic or somethin. If thas not possible, then they oughta contact St.Anthony. Thas whut I'd do, cus that same someone right now is askin themselves th question,

"Sheeit. WHERE IN TH FUCK-ALL ARE MY KEYS?"

Cus, like, here's th deal. See, I went ta th bank earlier today ta cash a check, then I went ta another bank ta cash another check, and then I went ta still another bank ta cash yet another check and finally I went ta th post office ta mail a package, sendin a Tea Brewin System on down ta St.Louie, and as I wuz leavin th post office, when I went ta get my keys outta my coat, I came up with two....TWO sets of keys. ??????? I wuz confused! I wuz perplexed. Th confusin and perplexin thing here wuz that only one of th sets of keys wuz mine. Where did th other set come from and who did they belong to? Sheeit dude, I dunno!

I mean, like, I don't have any more idea how they got in my pocket than you do? And you don't know how they got there do ya! Rilly! It's, like, a Mystery, y'know whut I mean?! Thas why I thought it might be right down Guy Noir's alley, cuz thas whut he does; he solves mysteries!

OK, never mind that fer th time being cuz at this point, ya might wanna go out and check yer garage and also yer driveway, cuz, like, if ya drive a white 2001 Dodge Caravan, I jus might have yer fookin keys. And I know whut kind of vehicle it wuz cus it said so on a little tag attached ta th key ring.. And if they are yers, don't blame me godamit, cuz YER th one left em lying around someplace! If ya can't keep track of yer fuckin keys, it ain't my fault, aw'right!!. All I did wuz, I jus happened ta pick em up some place, mebbe at one of those banks. So, if they're yers and ya want em back they're at th post office at 51st and Main where I left em. If they ask ya ta prove they're yers, jus tell em, "th cap't sent me".

Thas th password. But don't tell anyone else that, cuz then any palooka could pick em up and go around town and look fer white Dodge Caravans and see if they worked.

th cap'm

P.S. This is highly unusual isn't it, boyz and gurlz? I mean, like, normally, I'M th one losing keys, instead of th entity findin em. Man! I can't help but wonder..... if this signifies some kinda Shift in th Cosmic Balance? (play some Twilight Zone music here)

th cap'm

My buddy Gabby sent this to me. I found it extremely amusing in an oink-ink kinda way. I think we can all sympathise with Bob's plight here if we just look at his problem with an open mind. It's a shame rilly that his wife wuzn't so open-minded. Personally I think Debbie set a bad example and is no kind of role model for yung gurlz, but it's not for me to judge.

Read on
***********************
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. And I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed,

Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

*******************************
An observation from th cap't regarding Debbie's action.
OK, gurlz, jus remember this, "Violence is never a Solution". And although Debbie skated here, she is going to have to live with th Consequences of her actions for th rest of her life there on th beach at St. Thomas and her beach-boy boy-toy may not be as loving as th late Bob. OK?! Think about it!

th cap'm

A buddy sent this to me. Too often we don't stop and think about whut we're sayin and how our old ways can offend. I think we can all learn something here.

****************************

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseeans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

It's only right ya'll. And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: PAY ATTENTION HERE
DUDES.
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THEINFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY". She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGU E HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR"

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

OK, OK..NOW YOU LADIES NEED TO LISTEN UP HERE.

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

OK, boyz and gurlz, so let's apply these rules to our daily lives andlet's all go out there and be better Amerikans.

th cap'm

My son's birthday is comin up soon. Usually I jus throw some bucks his way, cuz I know from personal experience that oft times some cash is appreciated a helluva more than another pair of socks, ya know whut I mean.

But I decided ta do a bit of both th gift/cash thing this year. He told me recently he's been doin some green tea of a morning. ????? Yeah, thas whut I thought too.

Well, anyway, I thought there might be somthin there in th way of a gift. So I trucked on down ta Prydes in Westport ta check out their tea equipment. They have a helluva lotta tea related stuff there. I finally wound up buyin a whistlin tea kettle and this tea brewin device.

When I got home tho I started havin some second thoughts about th whole thing. Like, I started thinking,
"Sheeit, whut th fuck! I could have set up a fuckin meth lab cheaper than this!"

I looked at whut I had bought. I considered th tea kettle from a time-motion cost/ratio efficiency viewpoint; a piece of th operation whose sole raison d'etre is naught more than ta boil water! I mean, surely there are various other containers that can accomplish that same mission, eh, fer less than 60 bucks, even tho they may not whistle while doin so..

I thought about this deeply; like, whut kinda price as Amerikans are we willin ta pay fer that little extra option? After all there are peoples all over th world whose tea pots don't whistle and don't got no fuckin bells on em either, yet they still boil water!! So I said,

"Fuck it, nah, not me! I ain't playin that game."

and so I returned it to th POP! "(point of purchase" fer you folks not in th marketing biz) And while I wuz waitin fer em to give me my jack back, wiley, sneaky bastards that they are, they gave me a cup of some hot almond/vanilla tea. Oooh man, it was pretty fuckin good, ese. And altho I'm not a tea drinker by design, I wuz pretty impressed.

Th end result wuz that I would up buyin fer my own self a brewin device similar ta th one I bought fer my son. And also a tin of that vanilla/almond product ta put in it.

So instead of walkin outta th joint with my 55 dollar refund, I had ta reach in my pocket fer another15 bucks! So, like, th thing is, I'm light here about seventy smackers from whut I wuz supposed ta have.

Right now, I'm still tryin ta figure out whut happened? But while I'm thinkin bout it, I'm kickin back here with a nice hot brew of vanilla almond tea. Mmmm. It almost makes it worthwhile.

th cap't

P.S. By th way, I saw a nice Start-up Meth Kit on E-bay fer th amateur home producer, if yer th kinda person who likes ta brew things up.

(From Carol S. sometimes known as Texas Sue.)

"How bout putting Clinton in charge of the Ethics Committee?"

Yeah, thas cool, or we could put him in charge of th cigar concession.

th cap'm

Last nite I wuz rappin with my erstwhile buddy Dan at th saloon, quaffin our brews, discussin th world situation, and so on, and I hinted ta him about a Radical Change I wuz contemplatin concernin my Life and My Place in th Scheme of Things. Y'know, like, th Big Picture.

At first, I wuz reluctant to get into any detail, but he kept prodding, and so eventually, I decided I might use him to bounce my idea off of. Y'know, ta see how an objective person might react, cuz this wuz one of those decisions where th movie trailer would say.

"It would change his Life FOREVER! And NOTHING would ever be the same again!!!"

So, finally, I jus blurted it out. I said,

"OK, OK, I'm thinkin bout changin th spelling of my name from charl-EY to charl-IE! See whut I mean? I have always spelled it ‘Charley' since I wuz a kid, but now I'm thinkin of goin with 'Charlie' instead. Whadda'ya think? You can see how this is a Huge decision, can't ya?"

And Dan snorted derisively and said,

"Charley, no one in th world gives a shit!!"

And, It wuz like a bolt of lightening hit me.

BOOM!

I wuz thunderstruck. Th Revelation. I said,

"Whut! Ya mean, no one cares?!"

and he said,

"Trust me! No one cares.You can spell it upside down and no one will ever notice!!"

This had never occurred ta me before. I wuz forced ta take off my rose-colored glasses and look at th world in it's natural color; Monkey-Shit Brown!!

Sheeit! I looked at Dan and said,

"Now I know whut they were talkin bout cuz this changes everything. Nothin will ever be th same again."

and Dan said,

"Will ya stop talkin in that fuckin movie/trailerese!"

Damn. I had always thought that I, ME, MYSELF wuz th Center of Everything. I thought it all revolved around me. I thought th Roses, th Sun, th Moon, th Heavens, y'know, like, all of it, wuz put here fer my own personal enjoyment.

So, I sat there, sullenly brooding over this newfound revelation, wonderin how I wuz gonna adapt to it all. Dan told me he coped by putting a sign on his front door that read,

"IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME!"

so he wuz reminded of that every time he stepped out into th world.

I thought that wuz a bit harsh. C'mon! I mean, y'know, like, I don't know if I'm ready yet ta go cold turkey. So when I'n thru here, I'm gonna make my own sign reflectin my new world/view that sez,

"SOME of it's not about ME."

We'll see how that works out.

th cap'm (aka charley/charlie)

P.S. But, ya'know whut, I jus noticed th sunlight comin thru th window doesn't look quite th same as it did yesterday. Thanks Dan, THANKS A LOT!!

My buddy Gabby thought these might help too.

"Put George in charge of Intelligence and Dick in charge of Gun Safety."

Once again, sounds like two excellent ideas to me! I still think tho that putting me in charge of drug confiscations would make th greatest impact. I mean, uh, y'know, jus from my perspective anyway. And after all, isn't that whut it's all about? ME! ME!! ME!!!

th cap'm

My ex-wife sent this to me. It's rilly pretty cool. I think it might be more interesting th older you are simply cuz there's more you can personally relate to. It helps put things in perspective. Check out th top 40, th movies, and th TV at th bottom also.

Just type in th day, month and year you were born in th window.

th cap'm

http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html

These suggestions came from my good friend Ms. Dorothy C.

"Hey Cap't, if we're going to put the UAE in charge of the ports then we ought to put the Mexicans in charge of the border and put You in charge of drug confiscations."

I concur wholeheartedly with that!! And based on this, I think we should put Ms Dorothy in charge of Suggestions!!

th cap'm

I think it appropriate today that we reflect on th accomplishments of some of our greater presidents; men like Chester A. Arthur, James K. Polk, Millard Fillmore, James Buchanan, Warren Harding, Calvin Cooledge, Herbert Hoover, William McKinley and George Walker Bush. Great men all.Yes indeedy.

th cap'm

As told by Cindy Sheehan (with snide commentary by th Cap't)

As ya'll may know, while I am in sympathy with th anti-war movement, I hold no sympathy or respect for Cindy Sheehan herself. Having heard her speak before I have my doubts that Cindy even wrote this piece by herself. I suspect she had a little help from her friends. I'm suspecting her string-pullers got together with her and they wrote this out for her. Below their efforts. My impressions in CAPS.

****************************

What Really Happened
by Cindy Sheehan
Feb. 01, 2006

As most of you have probably heard, I was arrested before the State of the Union address last night.

(I CAN BELIEVE SHE WROTE THIS PART)

I am speechless with fury at what happened and with grief over what we have lost in our country.

(WELL NOT QUITE SPEECHLESS)

There have been lies from the police and distortions by the press (shocker). So this is what really happened:

(THAT DAMNED LEFT WING MEDIA. THEY DISTORT EVERYTHING DON'CHA KNOW!)

This afternoon at the People's State of the Union Address in DC, where I was joined by Congresspersons Lynn Woolsey and John Conyers, Ann Wright, Malik Rahim and John Cavanagh. Lynn brought me a ticket to the State of the Union address. At that time, I was wearing the shirt that said: 2245 Dead. How many more?

After the PSOTU press conference, I was having second thoughts about going to the SOTU at the Capitol. I didn't feel comfortable going.

("I didn't feel comfortable going." OH GIMME A BREAK WOULD'YA? THIS IS TH SAME PERSON WHO CAMPED OUT AT BUSH'S RANCH FOR A FUCKIN MONTH? WHAT? SHE DIDN'T WANNA IMPOSE ON ANYBODY OR SOMETHIN?)

I knew George Bush would say things that would hurt me and anger me, and I knew that I couldn't disrupt the address because Lynn had given me the ticket, and I didn't want to be disruptive out of respect for her. I, in fact, had given the ticket to John Bruhns, who is in Iraq Veterans Against the War. However, Lynn's office had already called the media, and everyone knew I was going to be there,

(GOSH DARN THAT LYNN FOR CALLING TH MEDIA. HECK I'M SURE CINDY WAS HOPING SHE COULD JUS SNEAK IN THERE WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING)

so I so I sucked it up and went.

(WHEW! CINDY SHEEHAN, TH MARTYR! ONCE AGAIN, HOW ABOUT THAT BREAK I WAS TALKIN ABOUT?)

I got the ticket back from John, and I met one of Congresswoman Barbara Lee's staffers in the Longworth Congressional Office building and we went to the Capitol via the underground tunnel.

(I THINK MOST OF TH PEOPLES IN TH GALLERY GO THAT WAY, DON'T THEY? THRU THE UNDERGROUND TUNNEL?)

I went through security once, then had to use the rest room and went through security again.
My ticket was in the 5th gallery, front row, fourth seat in. The person who in a few minutes was to arrest me, helped me to my seat.

I had just sat down and I was warm from climbing 3 flights of stairs back up from the bathroom so I unzipped my jacket. I turned to the right to take my left arm out, when the same officer saw my shirt and yelled, "Protester." He then ran over to me, hauled me out of my seat, and roughly (with my hands behind my back) shoved me up the stairs. I said something like "I'm going, do you have to be so rough?" By the way, his name is Mike Weight.

The officer ran with me to the elevators, yelling at everyone to move out of the way. When we got to the elevators, he cuffed me and took me outside to await a squad car. On the way out, someone behind me said, "That's Cindy Sheehan."

(ISN'T IT SWELL TO BE RECOGNISED?)

At which point the officer who arrested me said, "Take these steps slowly." I said, "You didn't care about being careful when you were dragging me up the other steps."

(WELL OF COURSE NOT CINDY, HE DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A CELEBRITY THEN)

He said, "That's because you were protesting." Wow, I got hauled out of the People's House because I was "Protesting."

I was never told that I couldn't wear that shirt into the Congress.

(OMG, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T DO THAT AT A STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS?)

I was never asked to take it off or zip my jacket back up. If I had been asked to do any of those things ... I would have, and written about the suppression of my freedom of speech later.

(BUT GOSH, I JUST NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD CAUSE ANY KIND OF STIR)

I was immediately and roughly (I have the bruises and muscle spasms to prove it)

(ONCE AGAIN, CINDY PUTS HER ASS ON TH LINE FER TH CAUSE. AND SHE'S GOT TH BRUISES TO PROVE IT)

hauled off and arrested for "unlawful conduct."

After I had my personal items inventoried and my fingers printed, a nice Sgt. came in and looked at my shirt and said, "2245, huh? I just got back from there."

I told him that my son died there. That's when the enormity of my loss hit me. I have lost my son. I have lost my First Amendment rights. I have lost the country that I love. Where did America go? I started crying in pain.

(THIS IS WHERE I WANNA GO 'BOO HOO HOO' TOO!

What did Casey die for? What did the 2244 other brave young Americans die for? What are tens of thousands of them over there in harm's way for still? For this? I can't even wear a shirt that has the number of troops on it that George Bush and his arrogant and ignorant policies are responsible for killing. I wore the shirt to make a statement.

(OH, I THOUGHT SHE JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE IT ON THAT DAY)

The press knew I was going to be there,

(WELL YEAH, THAT DAMNED LYNN AMBUSHED YOU)

and I thought every once in awhile they would show me, and I would have the shirt on.

(OH SHE THOUGHT "every once in a while they would show me" GEE, WELL OF COURSE YOU WOULD THINK THAT CINDY)

I did not wear it to be disruptive,

(PERISH TH THOUGHT)

or I would have unzipped my jacket during George's speech.

(I'M CONFUSED ON TH TIME LINE. I THOUGHT SHE HAD REMOVED TH JACKET HAVING GOTTEN WARM FROM CLIMBING TH STAIRS TO HER SEAT? SHE SAID, "I had just sat downand I was warm from climbing.....")

If I had any idea what happens to people who wear shirts that make the neocons uncomfortable, that I would be arrested ... maybe I would have, but I didn't.

(OH CINDY IS JUST A LITTLE NAIVE GURL. WHO WOULD HAVE DREAMED SUCH A THING MIGHT HAPPEN HERE IN AMERIKKA WHERE KIDS ARE SENT HOME FROM SCHOOL FOR SPEAKING SPANISH?)

There have already been many wild stories out there.

(ONCE AGAIN THAT DAMNED MEDIA)

I have some lawyers looking into filing a First Amendment lawsuit against the government for what happened tonight. I will file it.

(SOMETIMES YA GOTTA DO WHUT YA GOTTA DO, EH. BUT YA KNOW WHUT? I SUSPECT THIS WAS TH PLAN ALL ALONG; TA GET HER ASS ARRESTED FER SOMETHING OR OTHER. ANY DAMNED THING, LITTERING, SPITTING ON TH FLOOR, JUS ANY DAMNED THING!)

It is time to take our freedoms and our country back.

("AND IT'S OK BY ME IF YA MENTION MY NAME IN TH PROCESS, THAS S-H-E-E-H-A-N. AND HEY YA'LL MEBBE WE COULD TAKE BACK TH NEIGHBORHOOD TOO WHILE WE'RE AT IT)

I don't want to live in a country that prohibits any person, whether or not he/she has paid the ultimate price for that country, from wearing, saying, writing, or telephoning any negative statements about the government.

(I WOULD SUSPECT THAT IF A PERSON 'has paid the ultimate price' THEY WOULD BE WEARIN A SHROUD, AND NOT TALKIN, WRITIN OR TELEPHONIN ANYBODY YA KNOW WHUT AHM SAYIN, BUT WHUT DO I KNOW?)

That's why I am going to take my freedoms and liberties back. That's why I am not going to let BushCo take anything else away from me ... or you.

(THANKS CINDY FOR HAVING TH EGO TO STAND UP FOR ME)

I am so appreciative of the couple of hundred of protesters who came to the jail while I was locked up to show their support. We have so much potential for good.

(HMMMM. NICE SLOGAN THAT)

There is so much good in so many people.

(WELL SHIT YEAH, WE'RE AMERIKKANS FER CHRISSAKE! AND ANOTHER NIFTY SLOGAN. THAS TWO GOOD SLOGANS BACK TO BACK. I THINK SHE SHOULD STRETCHED FER THREE)

Four hours and 2 jails after I was arrested, I was let out. Again, I am so upset and sore it is hard to think straight.

(I THINK I SEE WHUT YOU MEAN ABOUT THINKING STRAIGHT)

Keep up the struggle ... I promise you, I will too.

(OK GANG, HERE WE GO. THANK GOD FOR CINDY SHEEHAN. HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!! FOR SHE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, FOR SHE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW...BLAH, BLAH, FUCKING BLAH, BLAH, BLAH)

YA KNOW, AFTER SOME MORE REFLECTION, MAYBE SHE DID WRITE THIS AFTER ALL! I THINK BOYZ AND GURLS THAT CINDY HAS CAUGHT A WHIFF OF TH CELEBRITY VIRUS. I SUSPECT THAT IF GEO. BUSH ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS PULLING ALL AMERIKAN FORCES OUTTA IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN AND EVERY OTHER FUCKING PLACE IN TH WORLD BY NEXT FRIDAY, CINDY WOULD FIND ANOTHER "CAUSE" CUS THAS JUS TH KINDA PERSON SHE IS!!

THANK GOD FOR CINDY SHEEHAN!!

th cap'm

A few weeks ago my friend Kara sent me this message by Cindy Sheehan concerning her arrest at th White House during Bush's State of the Union Address. I don't know whether Kara sent this to me in a spirit of Enlightenment, hoping I might see a brighter side of Cindy, cuz she knows I don't have any truck with CS, or that she jus sent it as a point of interest, much like I might tell ya bout my chili victories.

Kara, you see is an Anti-War Activist and so I know she certainly agrees with Cindy's anti-war message. As do I, th message that is. But Kara is more than an anti-war activist tho, she is an Activist. Period. There are many other issues Kara gets involved with, albeit this is prolly most important to her right now.

When some peoples hear th word “activist” it conjures up a negative image much th way th term "Liberal" did some years ago when it was th Political Kiss of Death to be labelled a Liberal. Ya might jus as well have said ya hated babies cuz they all smelled like shit! Even peoples like Ted Kennedy said,

"I ain't no Steeenking Liberal!"

But thas bullshit. See, activists are peoples who actually stand up and be counted fer th things they believe in. Activists don't hang around on th sidelines like most of us, cryin and whinin and bitchin and writin E-mails about th Official's calls. (scuse me, had ta slip a sports metaphor in there) No, they get down in th trenches and do th dirty work thas necessary to get th job done. It's th shit most of us don't wanna mess with. We got too many other important things ta be doin, like makin sure we're properly accessorized and color co-ordinated and watchin Amerikan Idol. Y'know, important stuff like that.

Activists have this naive notion that they have a Constitutional Right ta disagree publicly with official government policy, whutever that might happen ta be. (where in th hell did they ever get that crazy idea?)

And they do have that right. To a point. That point being when others can actually hear them. Thas when they start attractin attention from "th Authorities".

Then th term "activist" now starts to be synonymous with terms like, "traitorous" or "subversive" or "un-patriotic". Some one ta be watched and monitored. Thas when th "My Country- Right or Wrong" mentality stomps in. "Love it or Leave it" If yer against torturin a few rag-heads then move ta Afghanistan ya fuckin Mook!

One begins ta wonder jus how dangerous peoples like Kara become to th Security of th Peoples of th United States of Amerika, th Greatest Country in th History of th World. Like, should peoples in Ames, Iowa be concerned about her? Do they fret and toss and turn at nite, wonderin whut her next move gonna be?

One wonders if her FBI file is consistent with her NSA file? Or her Homeland Security file? Do they all use th same photos, th same phone conversations? Who gets first crack at her mail? Is there any consensus amongst them concerning her threat level? Like, is she “Red” or “Orange” or whut? Whut are th chances she's hidin WMD's in her purse? I wonder if she has tried to score any Uranium fromNiger lately? Are there photos of her shoppin in th Uraniums R Us stores?

And then of course there's her husband, th Poet. (Shudder) We all know th words Poet and Subversive go together like Milk and Cookies. Th evidence mounts. I have even heard their offspring's first words were "Carpe Diem" and that if you give him a little ticklish cuddle under th chin he responds with th Peace sign; obviously a potential troublemaker. Various Agencies might be wise to follow his toy preferences; ta see whether he likes GI Joe or not? Does he like ta play "War" or whut? In short; is he a Patriot?

OK boyz and gurlz, dammit, Time, who as we all know waits for no Man, nor WoMan, is not waitin fer me either. It has moved on leavin me here with my stated goal, th Cindy Sheehan Letter still waitin ta be dispatched. At a later date, eh.

th cap'm

P.S. An important matter has arisen which needs my immediate attention. When I'm able ta acquire some more Time in my account, Ill send Cindy's bullshit along.

My buddy Gabby sent this to me recently. We are within a year or so of th same age.

******************************************

Yesterday's attitude that I had forgotten.

I went to the dentist this morning and was talking to one of the staff. She had grown up in my neighborhood at Little Flower and was a younger sister of a guy a year older than me. She must be five or so years younger than me.

In our conversation, she mentioned a neighbor lady that I knew that had a daughter in my class. She told me the neighbor, Mrs. M. had graduated with her mother and would call her mom and inform on the kids if they were bad. She said one day she went to Mrs. M's house to play with her daughter and walked in and "caught" Mrs. M. smoking. She was shocked at the smoking because her father had told her that any women that smoked were "bad", loose and wild. I had forgotten that used to be the attitude towards women

that smoked.

*******************************************
below, my reply

From: capthoohah@webtv.net
Date: Sat, Feb 18, 2006, 11:29pm

i was in junior high school (remember when it was "jr. high" instead of "middle school"?) in calif. in the mid 50's. school dress code dictated that you must wear a belt to school, in spite of the fad of cutting off th belt loops of your levis, so we simply wore a real narrow black, purple or pink belt (remember those?) around your waist. didn't do much in the way of holding up your pants, but it did satisfy the belt requirement. lol did they do that here too?

also at that time wearing your Levis (you wouldn't even think about wearing any other brand) real low was a sign of rebelliousness. At catholic schools you couldn't even wear Levis.

i wonder if th hip-hop crews today even knows that us young white punks were doing that stuff 50 years ago?! altho i gotta admit they have taken th "real low" waay down to th next lower level. haha. th guys who wore th khaki pants with th small belt in th back and who wore their hair in a 'princeton' cut (where th part was shaved in th head) of course didn't do that. just th 'hoody' guys, y'know, th JD crowd with th DA's. the flat top with 'fenders' was a kinda compromise cus you could still do a DA with em.

when i was in th 9th grade in ;55 in san bernardino, having a smoke in th lobby of th john during intermission at th movie was de riguer if you were cool! it was also a good place to do your networking, altho we didn't know that was what we were doing at th time. shit, we just thought we were hangin out.
if you were really bold, you copped a smoke in th john at school, but getting caught smoking in school would get you suspended and labled a “troublemaker” as i recall, there weren't very many chicks smoking then, only th rowdy 'okie' gurls, and hell, everyone knew they were just a bunch of sluts anyway. haha. this was calif. in th 50's. was it like that here in kc then? apparently.

th cap'm

Y'know I have watched several of these CSI shows before and I've always wondered why all those investigators use those little flashlights? I wuz always sittin there thinkin,

"Dude! y'need a bigger flashlight! Sheeit man, yer gonna miss some important clues there with that little toy."

I kept expectin a case to go unsolved fer a while and fer th head honcho ta tell his peoples,

"What th fuck? No wonder ya missed that clue! Fer chrissake, go out and get yerselves some competent flashlights! Sheeit, we wasted a whole episode here and couldn't find th killer cuz of yer godammed little flashlights!"

But, it seems that th CSI departments in Vegas, Miami, and New Yawk were all havin ta work under th same constraints. I mean, don't they have any monies in their budgets fer flashlights? I jus kept on wonderin,

"Why? Why?"

It wuz, like, one of those things that jus makes ya wanna scream out. Y'know, like in a wrasslin match where th ref is over talkin ta one guy while his buddy is beatin th shit out of th other guy with a chair while th ref's got his back turned, y'know whut I mean? Yer sittin there screamin,

"Hey ref, turn around ya dumb fuck!!! They're cheatin!"

Well, that flashlight question wuz finally put ta rest this past Thursday nite. My buddy Dan just happened ta come inta th saloon while I wuz ponderin this dilemma. Without even realizin that he wuz about ta answer my question he pulled out this midget flashlight jus like th ones they use on th TeeVee. It wuz, like, mebbe four inches long and th thickness of a fat cigar and he said,

"Check this out!"

and shined it on th floor.

"WOW! DOUBLE WOW!!!"wuz whut I exclaimed.

Man, this little fucker put out a beam!! I'm not jivin ya. It wuz brighter than you could believe. It wuz jus like a miniature spotlight. I wuz flabbergasted and amazed and astounded all at th same time. He handed it to me and I pointed it at a wall twenty feet away and it made a perfect sharply defined circle of light about mebbe 16 inches across.

As I fooled around with it fer a bit he cautioned me not ta look inta it. He said ya didn't wanna do that. He said it had a warning in th instructions not ta shine it in some one's eyes. Naturally I considered his warning as akin ta a sign that sez, "Don't touch. Wet Paint" and so I held it up ta my eye and he said,

"Don't do that Cap't."

and so of course, I hit th on switch fer jus th briefest second and,

"KABLOOM!"

there wuz an explosion of blinding white light that went off in my mind and I let out a,

"Godam Mutherfucker!!!" of surprise.

Whooo, sheeit, it wuz bright. Man, I saw a greenish after-image circle in my head fer th next couple of minutes. It wuz jus like years ago when, sometimes, fer grins we used ta hold a strobe light up ta our eyes that went off intermittently and wait fer that blinding flash on purpose.

OK, boyz and gurlz, this is a rilly keen flashlight. But, before ya rush out ta get one of yer very own, let me warn ya, there are two drawbacks ta ownin one of these dudes.

First: it cost THIRTY-EIGHT bucks! Now, I don't know bout you, but ta my way of thinkin; that seems pretty strong fer a fuckin flashlight.

Second: Th two batteries that power this dude are only good fer an hour of use! And they cost TWENTY BUCKS APIECE.

Now, whut confuses me here is; since I figure both of these bateries are gonna crap out about th same time; why not jus buy another flashlight fer only thirty-eight bucks instead of replacin yer two batteries fer forty dollars? But, whut do I know?

th cap'm

I jus took an online personality test called, "Are you hot?" and discovered in terms of degrees of 'hotness',I am th equivalent of th polar ice cap. Needless ta say, thas not th result I wuz lookin fer.

th cap'm

Say, if ya ever happen ta go huntin with our VP, a word of caution; don't be jokin and kiddiin him, like,

"Yo Dick, whutever happened ta all those WMDs? har, har."
cuz he doesn't have much of a sense of humor. Ya coud wind up pickin birdshot outta yer head.

th cap'm

P.S. I'm tellin ya, if Bush and his crew weren't so dangerous, they'd be downright amusin!!

Yesterday, I met my cookie connection at Valentine Video. I scored a dozen choc-chips. They were in a big baggie. I checked em out..no crumbs..had a righteous aroma..good color. Normally I like to sample th goods before I put out th cash, but since I tried one last Friday I figured it was cool. I slid a dime across th counter and shoved th baggie under my coat.

When I got outside, on my way ta my ride, I saw a buddy of mine and he said,

"Yo cap't, whut'cha got under yer coat?"

and I replied,

"Oh. jus some cookies."

and he laughed and said,

"Yeah, OK., some cookies? Yeah right. Well enjoy yer cookies."

and he chortled again.

And thas jus whut I did. I opened that baggie and took out one of those dudes and did it on th way home. I did it straight up...no milk...or anything. But, oooh, it was tasty. yum yum yum.

All I cn say is,

"My cookies are better than yer cookies!"

th cap'm

Y'know, several days ago I noticed my mailbox wuz overflowin. I couldn't help but see it cuz it's right there on th front door. When I open th door th mail box is starin me right in th face, so it's hard ta miss. There was stuff stickin out all over th place. And then today, it was even worse. I'm not sure how th postman even squeezed in th last batch yesterday.

I keep lookin at all that stuff every time I come in th crib, and I'm gettin kinda curious as to whut might be in there? I seldom get mail of a personal nature, so it mus jus be a bunch of bills and ads, y'know, crap like that. But sheeit, I dunno! Mebbe I won some kinda sweepstakes and I don't even know it.

This is gettin pretty ridiculous, y'know whut I mean? I'm wonderin, like, whas up with my mailman dude anyway? It's obvious my box is full, and yet... and yet, he jus keeps crammin it in there? Wouldn't ya think th dude could jus empty th box, knock on my door, and jus hand me th stuff? I mean, how much fuckin trouble could that be? Gimme a break, huh! But, y'know whut? I bet th dude jus prolly say,

"Sorry bout that cap't, but I jus don't have th time."

But ya know whut? That won't cut it. No siree. I'm jus gonna have'ta tell im I guess,

"Hey dude! Remember me? Make th time cuz I'm th guy who pays yer salary!! OK. So's, how bout a little service here? Whudda'ya say!!"

Y'know, I'm a patient kinda guy so I'm gonna give im one more chance and if he doesn't give me my mail tomorrow, I'm gonna have'ta drop a dime on his ass. Thas not my style, but y'know, a guy can only be pushed so far, y'know whut I mean!

th cap'm

My long time friend "Vegas Judy" who I also went ta H.S. with in Deutschland sent these to me. I had ta pass em along fer all th geezers out there.

******************************

Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate their current status.

They include:
1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba--- Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
16. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To

th cap'm

Jus last nite I wuz rappin with my buddy, Bruce the R, bitchin about this phrase and talkin bout how one can't even go fer a fuckin week without hearin or readin it. Well, all I gotta say ta Bruce today is,

"I told ya so!"

cuz take note, jus th very next day, today that is, in Hearne Christopher's column, he is talkin about the competition between th Starlight and th Theatre League over who will get th "Spamalot" production, he sez,

and I quote,

"The jury is still out on that one."

Ha ha .See whut I mean?

I rest my case! (ooops, sorry bout that. Those damned cliches!)

Peoples ask me alla time, say,

"Cap'm, how do ya do it? Like, with th prescience thing. I mean, dude, yer Awesome!! Yer like Nostradamus!"

And rather than give away ancient secrets passed down ta me thru th ages from ancient sages, I usually jus deflect questions like that with an,

"Aw shucks!"

while I shrug my shoulders in an aw shucks kinda way.

th cap'm

P.S. Also, somewhere else there in that same column, councilman Jim Glover, talkin about th Hooters proposal in Westport, makes a statement about somebody,

"stepping up to the plate"

Y'know, were it not fer all th sports cliches some peoples would have a hard time in a conversation. The home run conversational ball would be impossible fer em ta hit cuz they would be too busy shootin themselves in th foot!!!

Cookies, they're whut's happenin!

OK ya'll, yesterday I wuz down to yer Valentine Video on Westport Rd. Itold ya about recently. See, on Wednesdays, all videos except new releases are only a buck. Thas cool, huh.

Anyways, they had several trays of complimentary cookies there on th counter. So, jus fer th fuck of it; I tried one of th chocolate-chip ones. Now, I'm not rilly a big cookie fan myself, I seldom eat em, but sheeit ese, these were FABULOUS! Like, RIGHTEOUS fucking cookies!! I don't know if I've ever eaten a better chocolate-chip cookie before! I mean, it wuz STELLAR!

I asked th dude behind th counter where they got em and he introduced me to a guy who wuz standin there who baked em hisself. You've heard of "home-baked" before? Well, these were as home-baked as they get cuz, like, he told me he bakes em at home, thus.....real, actual home baked cookies from a secret recipe* that has been handed down fer generations dating back to Henry th Eighth. Th story goes that Henry insisted on a plate of chocolate-chip cookies every day. One day when th cookie delivery wuz delayed when th cookie cart had a flat, he wuz so vexed he cried out in despair,

"Alas. Alas. A cookie! A cookie!! My kingdom fer a fuckin cookie. Whadda'ya say?"

OK, Ok, enuff background. So...these cookies go fer ten bucks fer a dozen, which strikes me as kinda high, altho not bein a big purchaser of cookies, I don't really know how that compares. But they are about 5-6 inches in diameter, and they're so rich and creamy and jus so fuckin good, I don't mind. th lug.

So, next time ya wanna impress someone with a cookie, I suggest ya lay one of these dudes on em!! They will mebbe prostrate themselves before ya while touching their foreheads to th floor, and make hgh, keening wailing sounds! On th other hand they may jus smother ya with hugs and kisses. But, in any case, they're gonna have a higher opinion of ya than they did before.

th cap't

P.S. If you would like to have some of these cookies fer yer own personal enjoyment you can contact this dude at 816-377-9839. He calls hisself, "Th Cookie Man". He gots,

chocolate-chips,
peanut butter,
peanut butter-chocolate-chip,
and oatmeal, $10.00/dozen
hazelnut hearts,
sugar cookies $20.00/dozen
and soft biscotti $15.00/dozen

Of course I get no kickbacks of any kind on this caper. I don't know this dude or have any kinda business dealins with him at all. I merely do this outta a desire to help my fellow Humans. It's jus my meager contribution ta makin this th Best Damn Planet we can! ya know whut ahm sayin.

* possibly in my efforts ta hype th Product I embellished th cookie origins a bit there. Fer all I know he got th recipe outta Reader's Digest. But no matter. All that matters is that th cookies are Sublime.

th cap'm

Last nite I was sittin there at th tavern. It was gettin late and th band was thru and were breakin their equipment down and packin up. Since it was considerably quieter I got to rappin with a dude sittin next ta me. He was waitin fer a friend to pick him up. After a bit more conversation we discovered that his friend was also a buddy of mine, as a matter of a fact, one of th off duty bartenders who worked there.

I don't remember jus how th conversation went there, but at some time I mentioned I had been in th 7th grade on Okinawa during th Korean War, cus my dad was stationed there in th Air Force.

He then told me that his mom's dad had also been in th Air Force and that she had graduated from an American high school in Wiesbaden, Germany. I said,

"Wiesbaden!! Wow! No kidding! Cus thas where I graduated from!! H.H. Arnold High. School in 1959."

And then...he said that was th same year his mom graduated too!!

And he told me her name and I remembered her!! (that wasn't so hard to do tho cuz our graduating class only had about a hundred kids in it)

Isn't that somthin? What are th odds of talkin to some one you jus met and discovering that you knew their mother from a high school in Germany, no less, 47 years ago?

Well it doesn't happen every day.

th cap'm

Cursed Damned Dove!! There's this godammed dove who's been hanging out in on my window air conditioner do his 'cooing' thing. Ya know how irritatin and annoyin that gets after a short while! Where in th hell did he come from anyway? Why did he pick my house to hang out at? WHY ME? huh. WHY ME? Sheeit.

In th last few years it seems like these avian critters seem ta have it in fer me. They shit all over my cars ta th point where my neighbors refer ta my Cadillac as, "El Caddy de Caca". I don't unnerstan. I have always been a friend of th Winged Community.

As a youth I used ta watch birds thru my binoculars. This wuz not real common behavior fer a kid in th ‘50s. I wuz considered somewhut weird and freaky as a result. Some peoples today might still consider me “weird and freaky” but fer different reasons now.

While all th other dudes were playin baseball or football or some crap like that after school, I wuz roamin thru th countryside in quest of th elusive Ivory-Billed Woodpecker fr'instance,.

Like, in th fifth grade in Montgomery, Alabama, when my friends would come callin, sayin, "Hey Cap'm, lets go ta th park and play some ball."

I would politely decline sayin,

"FUCK OFF with yer stoopid games. I ain't got no time ta be wasted playin no stopid-assed games. Can't ya see I'm on a Mission here ya dumb fucks!!"

And they would say,

"Ooooh, th capt said a Baaad Word."

And with my binoculars strapped around my neck and my Roger Tory Peterson Field Guide To Birds in hand, I would quietly creep off thru th woods, stalkin my prey, pausin, listenin, my keen senses ever alert. always ready to slowly bring th binoculars ta my eyes, always taking care to not make sudden movements, ta blend in with th scenery, and observe different birds, noting their habits, their songs, th way they moved, recordin th date, time and location of any previousy unsighted birds, all in my notebook, with th simple title of,

"Birds I've Seen. Compiled by Cap't Hoohah in my Formative Years".

and my friends would say,

"Hey Charley, who is this Cap't Hoohah character? Is he anything like Captain Marvel? And whut does 'formative' mean?"

And adults would say ta my parents,

"Hey ya'll, that young'un of yers. He's kinda a Weird Duck, ain't he?"

And they would sheepishly agree and say stuff like.

"Yeah, he sez he's gonna be th Pope someday."

And these Alabama crackers would say,

"Yea, that Figgers!"

OK, th point is; I deserve better treatment than this. See, I wuzn't knockin Robins outta trees with my Daisy Repeater like my amigos, or pokin em with sticks after they fell. I wuz suggestin we shoot tin cans instead. And whut is my reward?

"Coo Coo Coo" all fuckin day long in my twilight years, thas whut!!!

"Gotta take a dump? Lets fly over th Capt's crib and drop our loads on his cars! They're still wet from th car wash. Har Har"

And ya know whut's gonna happen with this fuckin coo-coo-coo-all-day-long dove outside my window? His gurlfriend gonna be movin in soon and they'll be havin a family and th whole lot of em will be out there, makin their dove noises, and eventually I'm gonna be runnin outside with my sawed-off, both barrels blastin, reloadin, blastin again and again, and then PETA will be picketin my house and chantin slogans distractin and annoyin me some more. And then I'm gonna be goin outside confrontin em, and then th Po-lice be comin, haulin my ass off ta th slammer and....... sheeit, and we all know it's gonna end badly.

Damnit! Jus when everything wuz goin good in my Life, I mean, like, it wuz all turnin around, everything wus fallin inta place and I could finally see some light at th end of th tunnel.....and then.....

THIS SHIT HAPPENS!!!!!!

And th World turns upside down and everything is completely awry, and as they say in every movie trailer, with a heavy, ominous voice,

"It will change his Life forever and Nothing will ever be the same again!"

It's enuff ta drive a person ta drink! And thas jus whut I'm gonna do right now. I'm gonna go drink Budweisers til I don't even know whut a fuckin dove is!!!!

th cap'm

OK ya'll, I had a number of peoples ask me why I put Jack on my list of
Assholes? I wrote both of these things some time ago. check it out.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

From: capthoohah@webtv.net (Charley) Date: Sat, Nov 27,
2004, 1:52pm Subject: Jack Nicholson; that Asshole!

OK, I'm gonna' say it; I loathe Jack Nicholson as much as I do Mel Gibson. So there! Like, both of 'em are Class A1 Assholes as far as I'm concerned. These two jerks are neck in neck in th' Asshole Marathon, It would be so close I think ya'd need a high speed camera to determine th' winner, but I think Mel would prolly win by th' skin of his nose. But hey, look here, it sure as hell wouldn't be cuz Jack don't try!

Like, watch a Lakers home game sometime. This fuckin jerk, Jack, sits right down there on th' floor next to th' bench. He alla' time jumps up in th' ref's face, nose ta' nose, screamin' and yellin' arms flailin' about and argues with him about a call he didn't like.

I mean, who in th' fuck does he think he is anyway? Up and down. Up and down. Where do ya' think they got th' name, "Jack-in-th-box" from?. Yeah, thas' right! from that fuckin' bobbin' Jack Nicholson clown. He wuz th' inspiration. I'm not jivin' ya'! Well, next time ya' see one of those things, take a good look at it!! Jack Nicholson!

Whut prompted all this scorn wuz, like, last nite, I'm sittin' at th' bar and th' game is on between the Kings and th' Lakers, and lemme' jus' say right here, I'm not a basketball fan. I don't really give a shit 'bout th' game. If they cancelled basketball permanently it wouldn't bother me one bit, but th' game wuz on and every time I glanced up at th' screen, they're showing Jack and his reaction ta' somthin' that's jus' taken place and th' caption (sound is not on) reads somthin' like,

"Oh gee, Jack is livid bout that call!" or

"Gosh, Jack didn't like what he saw there! Oh, man is he furious!!"

and on and on like that, y'know?

And I'm thinkin',

"Well so whut! Who gives a shit whut Jack thinks? Who in th' fuck is Jack Nicholson that I should care whut he thinks 'bout any godam thing? Fuck Jack Nicholson!"

Am I outta' step once again? Am I goin' against th' flow once mo'? I mean, like, is every one else cept' me goin',

"Gee, I wonder whut Jack thought about that play? Boy I sure feel sorry fer that ref if he makes Jack mad, cuz Jack is a celebrity"

Huh????? Am I th only one who says, "Fuck that arrogant, pompous Bastard!"

I mean, is that why th' camera crews keep showin' Jack's reactions ta' everything? Cuz peoples care whut Jack thinks? Well, not me ese!! No, not me!! Sheeit. I piss on Jack Nicholson. If only Jack and Mel happened to get together sometime, oh man, th' Ultimate Fantasy; I piss on 'em BOTH!! Simultaneously!! And hey, I'm not a Golden Shower kinda guy either, but I think that would be greatly entertaining!

Somethin' ta' think 'bout before I go ta' sleep tonight. haha. (a little taste of humor ta' lighten things up a bit)

th' cap'm

************************************
Mon. Jan. 29th.
OK, so I wrote this a bit later that same afternoon.
*************************************

From: capthoohah@webtv.net (Charley) Date: Sat, Nov 27, 2004, 4:35pm

Subject: More Jack shit

I REMEMBERED WRITING ABOUT JACK BEFORE AND I FOUND THIS. I WROTE THIS AS YOU CAN SEE BACK IN MAY ‘03. IF IT SOUNDS REDUNDANT, WELL IT'S BECAUSE I'M PRETTY CONSISTENT IN MY FEELINGS ABOUT JACK. AND JACK IS PRETTY CONSISTENT IN BEING AN ASSHOLE. AS YOU WILL NOTICE THE SITUATIONS ARE VERY SIMILAR ASWELL AS ARE MY THOUGHTS ABOUT IT.

*******************************
From: headtripper@webtv.net (joe dreck)
Date: Sat, May 10, 2003, 2:54pm
(CST+1) Subject: punk ass jack nicholson

Last night in the bar i was watching the lakers vs spurs game. Since there was no sound i was reading the captions. here was a highly agitated jack nicholson jumping in the officials face. see, jack gets to sit right down on the floor where the coaches and players sit. so, he's jumping up and screaming in their faces about calls he didn't like.

He's calling players over to give them words of encouragement just like he's their coach or something.

They finally threatened to evict him from the stadium. he retorted that he spend a LOT, and he emphasised a LOT of good money for his seat and if anyone tried to evict HIM, he would sue their asses off. see, he's Jack Nicholson, famous actor/celebrity. he doesn't have to conform to the rules for the 'small peoples', that is, peoples like you and me. He's SPECIAL!!!

Had i been in charge of security there last night, i would have said, "FUCK YOU JACK! TAKE A HIKE!!?" and then i would have hustled his ass out and tossed him out the door onto the sidewalk, just like one does a cantankerous and obnoxious drunk, and i would have said.

"Go make another movie with adam sandler, ya fuckin' asshole!"

I mean, imagine what a game would be like if any fan could jump in the referee's face and bitch at him about a call he didn't like!! but the official just stood there arguing with him and the camera kept zooming in on jacks face so we could see his reaction to everything that was happening. he got way more face time than did either one of the coaches. and the announcers would say things during the rest of the game like,

"Gee, i wonder what jack thought about that call?"

I mean, who gives a Shit what jack thinks? As far as i'm concerned jack, you can kiss my ass!

the cap't

***********************************
DO YA' NOTICE TH' SIMILARITIES, EVEN THO TH' TWO NIGHTS ARE A YEAR AND A
HALF APART? ONCE AGAIN, fuck jack nicholson!!
*****************************************

Mon. Jan. 29th.

See, Jack Nicholson, being a famous actor/celebrity doesn't have to pay any attention to th ordinary rules of conduct fer common folks. He's famous! He's an actor. He's a celebrity. He's SPECIAL. Don't mess with him.

I agree. I think he's a SPECIAL ARROGANT, OBNOXIOUS, EGO-MANIACAL, MUTHERFUCKER and i would love to get in his fuckin old geezer face.

th cap'm

Besides th wrongful inclusion of Duane Allman and Todd Rungren (an accident caused by faulty wiring) in my list of assholes I jus want to make up fer two Glaring Omissions. I don't know how I could have forgotten these two assholes (see faulty wiring) but both of these guys are at th top.

DAVID LETTERMAN
(he's a daddy in case ya've been off planet th last year and a half)

and his arch rival

JAY (th Asshole) LENO.

Whut in th world wuz I thinkin when I left em both off!!! (see faulty
wiring)

th cap't

All of these peoples have a chapter in my, "Book of Famous Assholes."

*The Entire Leadership of the present Government Administration,
*Arnold Swartzeneggar,
*Cindy Sheehan,
*Rush Limbaugh,
*Sean Hannity,
*Bill O'Reilly,
*Mel Gibson,
*Tom Cruise,
*Jack Nicholson.
*Meg Ryan,
*Duane Allman,
*Todd Rundgren
*Charlton Heston (posthumously)
*Pat Robertson,
*Rev. Fred Phelps,
*Rev. Emmanual Cleaver,
*Jerry Falwell,

Obviously there are a lot more assholes than this out there.This is not a definitive asshole list by any means. You may not agree with some of my selections. So be it. But all of these folks are on my A list.

th cap'm

P.S. All of th peoples marked with an asterisk are ones I find to be particularly odious.

Th first time I heard about Cindy Sheehan I applauded her efforts to embarrass Geo. Bush by tryin to intimidate him into an audience with her. That wuz before I found out tho that she had already had one meeting with him previously with some other mothers and widows. So, why in th hell didn't she bring up her concerns with him at that time?

Also, let th records show that her son who was KIA was not some young naive kid who had been lured into th Army, with visions of sugar plums dancin in his head, unaware of what he was getting into. On th contrary, he was a twenty-four year old Professional Soldier, a sergeant no less, in his second tour of duty, well aware of th dangers involved, who had joined th Army believing in whut he was doing and willing to risk his life for it.

That wuz also before I had actually heard her speak about th loss of her son. Then his mother shamelessly exploited his death for her own self-promoting reasons. Once I heard her open her yap and start spouting platitudes and speaking in "Political Sloganese", I no longer bought into her Grieving Mother Act for one second. Cindy became, with eyes wide open, some one's willing pawn. But she knew exactly whut she wuz doin.

It seemed obvious to me that her Agenda was more about Cindy Sheehan, Martyr Mom, than anything else. Now I'm not sayin that she didn't grieve for her fallen son; what mother wouldn't! But he got lost some where in all th posturing, and politicking and grandstanding. SHE became th focus of attention, and th actual Message got lost in all th shuffle.

As an example, I read a short time ago where some of her supporters had put up a small stone monument near Bush's ranch inscribed, "Sheehan's Stand" and when I saw that I almost vomited in Disgust. "Sheehan's Stand" Sheeit. Gimme A Fuckin Break, will'ya!

Mebbe ya don't remember a short time ago I predicted we'd be hearin more from Cindy. And guess whut boyz and gurlz? Surprise! Surprise! I read in today's paper that Cindy Sheehan, who is described as a “peace activist” instead of a "Cindy Sheehan Activist", is considerin runnin fer th Senate in California!!! Cn ya believe that?

Th sheer Absurdity of it boggles my mind. Now, ya might be wonderin like me, jus whut in th fuck-all this phony-assed hypocrite's credentials are ta run fer one of th highest offices in th land? They are, in two words; Absolutely NADA, amigos.

But, and this is a big but, keep in mind that these peoples of California are th same peoples who elected Arnold Schwartzeneggar to be their governor fr'chrissake!! So don't count her out on grounds of Reason or Rationale cuz obviously any Fucknut can get elected ta anything in California!

th cap'm

Earlier today authorities issued a warning to residents of the south Plaza area to be especially cautious in the next few days. Well-known culinary terrorist Capt Hoohah was spotted at an area grocery store and was reported to have purchased quantities of beans, ham, carrots and celery and certain other ingredients, which authorities refused to confirm, citing security reasons.

When asked whether it looks like the Cap't may be getting ready to launch a full-scale Ham and Bean Operation, the source, who only spoke on condition of anonymity would only say,

"Well, he's got all the ingredients necessary and we know from past experience that he won't hesitate to use them. He's completely ruthless and has shown utter disregard for the health and safety of those about him. We are evacuating residents in his neighborhood and we're hoping that if he goes through with his dastardly plans we may be able to contain the damage to an area immediately surrounding his house. With the information that is available to us right now, it appears as though he IS going to assemble all of the necessary ingredients All we can do now is pray. God bless you! And God bless Amerika!"

So... it doesn't look good, does it boyz and gurlz? For those of you around th S. Plaza area, I strongly urge you to take cover immediately should things go awry, cuz as we all know, when th Cap't gets in the kitchen.......God help us all!!!

charley

My buddy Hideo sent this to me. It's basically fer geezers cuz lotsa young peoples won't recognise many of these ladies, but geezer that I am, I recall em all. Kindly raise your glasses in special tribute to all th gurls we've loved before.

Brigette Bardot 71
Stella Stevens 68
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Deborah Kerr 94
LenaHorne 88
Kay Starr 83
Patti Page 78
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 71
Angie Dickenson 74
Doris Day 81
Joan Collins 72
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74
Ann-Margret 64
Debra Padget 72
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74
Jean Simmons 76
Julie Newmar 72
KimNovak 72
Jane Powell 76
Debbie Reynolds 73
Shirley Temple 77
Jane Russell 84
Kathryn Grayson 83
Esther Williams 82
Elke Sommer 65
Gale Storm 83
Jill St. John 65
Liz Taylor 73
Mamie Van Doren 74

How in th world did all these gurls get so old and we didn't?

th cap'm

I have been rather dismayed and disappointed to hear from several peoples concerning my football predictions. These Misguided and Gullible citizens were wholly taken in by th Disinformation Campaign waged against me. And in spite of the fact that I vehemently denied the allegations that I switched my choice later, they persisted in their dangerously misguided beliefs.

Here at the Ministry of Truth we take our motto seriously,

"The Truth Shall Set You Free!"

and we also take seriously those who would Deny the Truth! In times like these, when our Nation is at WAR, Un-patriotic Thoughts and Deeds need to be dealt with in a Serious Manner. This is the reason why the Thought Po-lice were formed in the first place; so as to weed out those Undesirable and Negative elements in our Society, who continue to promote Dangerous and Subversive Ideas, in spite of Official Policy to the contrary.

This is why it is sometimes necessary for the Good of the rest of the Law Abiding and God Fearing Citizens to bash in some thugs doors and remove them to Re-Education Centers. There they can receive Treatment for their aberrant behavior and maybe, someday be returned to Society as Citizens once more. Provided of course they can get their heads right. We have found Hard Labor is an excellent panacea for a troubled mind.

"Tranqu