This may come as a surprise to a lotta folks, but at one time in my childhood, I was an exemplary Cub Scout. I'm not smokin ya. I had a Merit Badge fer every danged thing th Cub Scouts gave one out fer. I could see my future mapped out fer me. My next logical step was to graduate to th Boy Scouts, and to ultimately, invariably, attain th pinnacle in Scouthood; th Eagle Scout!!

Altho, like many childish dreams, based on nonsense and bullshit, this one never came to fruition.

About th age of 10 or 11, I came to realize what a fascist, jingoistic organization th whole Scouting operation was. Fuck my Duty to my Country, and to my Den Father, and to my Den Brothers. My Den Brothers!! Sheeit. How could ya pledge allegiance to a bunch of jerks like I was saddled with in my Den? Hell, none of those guyz could tie a knot, or tell th difference between a palm tree and a pine tree. They wouldn't have known a Baltimore Oriole from a Cerulean Warbler. By th way, not ta brag or anythin, but I had Merit badges in all those fields. My whole golden sash was crammed full of fuckin Merit Badges. I was runnin outta room fer badges.

But in spite of all th Nazi-Youth-type bullshit propaganda I was fed, some things of merit stay with ya. Like, today fr'instance. I performed what used to be known as a "Good Deed". I don't guess I need to tall ya, I had a Citizenship Merit Badge on my sash too.

I'm tellin ya boyz and gurlz, even tho I had Merit Badges coming outta my ass at one time, this woulda got me at least an Oak Leaf Cluster to add to my Citizenship Badge.

Earlier today I was crusin along yer Ward Pkwy in th Plazah District, when I noticed a guy and his two kids of maybe 3 and 5, fishin there in th Brush Creek waterway, (or whatever ya wanta call it) One of th kiddies had jus snagged a fish and they were puttin it in a bucket. I figured these must be out-of-towners cuz I think most Kansas Citians know better than to do anything like that.

At one time, that water was so contaminated that they warned peoples not to have any contact with it whatsoever. They turned th fountains off for fear that on windy days, shoppers in th Plazah might pick up a bit of th overspray and become ill.

So I wheeled around th block and got outta my car and approached them. I asked th dude where he was from and he said they were jus visiting from Arkansas. Yep, jus like I figured. Foreign yahoos!

I clued him in and gave him a brief history of th sewer, (which is basically what it is) they were fishin out of. I suggested he and th kiddies would be a lot healthier and live longer if they drove a few blocks south to th Loose Park Lagoon. Perhaps you recall me tellin ya of some of my duck hunting forays there. Well anyway, he thanked me profusely and wanted to buy me a new Mercedes fer saving their lives, but I jus said,

"Aw shucks. Thas OK, I wuz jus bein neighborly. And besides, now I can get that Oak Leaf Cluster fer my Citizenship Badge."

and he said,

"Huh?"
And I jus said,

"Never mind, ya'll have a nice day now, heah!"

Who knows? Mebbe one day one of those two young boyz whose lives I saved will grow up to become a City Councilman back there in Little Rock!

th cap'm

This is what I tell peoples justifying my life long aversion to that most horrible of veggies; SPINACH!

But did they ever listen? Nooooo. Instead, they extolled its health benefits, tried to convert me, blah, blah, blah. Now look what happened! See, this is jus an another example of what a better world it would be if peoples jus paid more attention to ME. But, like most of my advice, this too fell on deaf ears. Sigh! Do peoples never learn?

th cap'm

P.S. Do ya think there's even th remote possibility at all, that this was an act of Bio-Terrorism?

Perhaps you remember th huge instrumental hit in 1958 by "The Champs" called, "Tequila!"? One of my all-time favorite songs from th ‘50s.

Do you remember th only words in th song where th guy with th deep bass voice said in a heavy Mexican accent, "TE-QUII-LAAA!" Well, he was also th saxman and his name was Danny Flores and I read in yesterday's paper
where he checked out. SALUD!

th cap'm

My good friend Ernie wrote me th following today.

***********************

"Once one of these two-wheeled jerks cut me off in my van and proceeded to ride in circles in front of me so I couldn't pull away from the stop sign. He was all laughing and smirking. Until I got out of the van.

I grabbed him and his ubber-lite-touch-me-fuck-me ride. When I jerked the bike out from underneath him he was surprised. When I threw this $1000 bike over a fence into the treetops, he was appalled. When I grabbed him and explained how I was a peaceful man and it really, really hurt me to have to bitch-slap him and throw him down the shoulder like I was dwarf-bowling, he was starting to understand the ramifications of fucking with someone who will fuck back -- in spades, as it were.

***********************

(Well, I found his attitude refreshing and inspiring. I replied back. ch)

************************

Ha ha Well Ernie, I certainly did like your approach in dealing with that punk riding around in circles in front of your van. It's just too bad some one wasn't there with a video cam to record the whole incident. We could have included it in a training video all new license applicants must watch called,

"Dealing With Irate Bicyclist Who Feel You've Dis-respected Them, And How To De-fuse A Volatile Situation,"

By the way, do you remember when if you wanted to ride your bike, you just got on it and rode it. It didn't matter what you were wearing at the time. The biggest preparation you might make simply involved rolling up your right pants leg, so as not to get it caught in the chain. It wasn't necessary for you to go and change into your color co-ordinated riding outfit matching your Official Professional Bicycle Helmet?

Of course then, we weren't riding bikes making a statement of our, "Hipness Factor" and to be "seen." We were just riding for the fucking fun of it. And we sure as hell didn't deliberately ride our bikes in front of a car, with the notion in mind that,

"Hey You! I'm a vehicle too. I dare you to hit me. nyah, nyah, nyah"

Cuz we knew we were on a fucking bicycle!!!!

*******************

I think when we round up all those illegal aliens, and send em all back where they came from, while we're at it, we oughta round up all our bicyclists and send them along with them. Let em ride their bikes to th Mexican strawberry fields. I'll bet none of the other strawberry pickers will be so sartorially splendid!

th cap'm

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a letter to th Pitch in response to a letter from a disgruntled bicyclist. They said they were gonna print it, but I haven't seen it yet.

Today I sent this to th Star. I was inspired, nay, in fact I was compelled, to respond to three letters in th Thurs. edition from bicyclists complaining about their "rights" to use th public streets and th vile motorists who abused them. Give. me. a. fucking. break! Pleeeze!

If there is another group of peoples, besides bicyclists, who blatantly break th laws more openly and more frequently, with total impunity than any body else, I'd like to know who it is?

Have ya ever seen a bicyclist come to a complete stop at a stop sign if th traffic was clear?

Have ya ever sat at a stop light and watched th bicyclist slow down (maybe) and then proceed to cross th street? Fuck stopping, Thas only fer motorists.

Have you ever seen a bicyclist who paid th slightest bit of attention to a one-way street sign?

On th sidewalk, down onto th street, cross th street in mid block, ride against th traffic, back up onto th sidewalk, pedestrians get th fuck outta th way.

Ride yer bike at nite time. No headlights, no tail lights, no brake lights, no turn signals, no horn, no mirrors, not even any reflectors of any kind, no nothin. NO PROBLEM! That penny-ante bullshit equipment is only fer motorists. Don't apply to you.Yer on a bike!

Got yer license with you? It's OK! Ya don't need no steeenking license. Yer on a bike!!

License plate on yer bike expired? Oh wait, I forgot. Ya don't need no fucking license plate. It's a fucking bicycle!

Think rilly hard; when was th last time ya saw a cop giving any kind of citation to a bicyclist? Go back thru yer whole life. Yeah, I know, but is th reason ya can't think of even One time, is cuz bicyclists are such a law-abiding, responsible lot?

Is that why they jus don't get tickets? I don't fucking think so!! They absolutely don't have to obey those laws and they damn well know it, and they don't. But that still doesn't stop em from bitchin about those nasty motorists. OK, OK, I know! YOU, or a friend, a relative, whatever, rides a bike alla time and obey all th traffic laws. And ya know what? They're one out of a hundred!

Personally, I think these peoples have been so brain-washed and propagandised in their lawless attitudes that drastic action oughta be taken. To me, that solution for them would be to send em to Re-education Camps, similar to those employed by Pol Pot in Cambodia years ago. And fer additional help, th Chinese methods employed during th "Cultural Revolution" might provide additional clues, but somthin's gotta be done about these critters. Besides th dangers they pose on our thoroughfares, they take jobs away from decent hard working Amerikan families. And they smell too.

Well, I could go on, but, sheeit, I won't cuz I'm startin to get worked up here! In my letter to th Star, I was forced to limit my thoughts to approx 150 words, so I wasn't rilly able to spress myself like I wanted. Letter below.

th cap'm

From: capthoohah@webtv.net (Charley)
Date: Sat, 23 Sep 2006 20:23:08 -0500
To: letters@kcstar.com
Subject: Bicyclist/Motorist Differences

Every time I read a whining, snivelling letter from a bicyclist complaining about their 'rights' and the rude motorists who violate them, it really gets my bile flowing. The traffic law has yet to be written that the bicyclist can't, and Do, ignore with complete impunity.

Do you think a single, solitary bicyclist appeared in Municipal Court for a traffic violation last year? Nah. No way.

Some of their "rights" evidently allow them to ride with the traffic, against the traffic, on the sidewalk, on the running path, (joggers and walkers; get out of the way) and just any darned place they feel like it. Keep in mind their so called "vehicle" need never be inspected, nor licensed in any way, nor is it's operator required to have a license of any kind. In short, any Moron can ride a bicycle.

What to do?

I have a simple solution to this dilemma tho. Make it illegal for any person with an IQ of less than 60 to ride a bicycle on a public street. Poof! This would solve 90% of the problems and the rest could be worked out thru negotiations and diplomacy without resorting to War. LOL

th cap'm

By th way, do parents today still do that as a means of punishment to their kids? I mean, they used to. But when you stop and think about it; it is a bit cruel, isn't it? To send an eight year old to bed hungry for some transgression? Y'know, th kid goes to sleep, with their little tummy growling, and lies there for some time before fallin asleep, wonderin whether he's gonna get any breakfast or not when he wakes up in th morning? Wonders if Mommy and Daddy are gonna Starve him to Death for pullin sissy's hair?

Well anyway, I'm referring to Leaders of State who get into these name callin sessions with their counterparts. They all try so hard to demonize each other. I spose it's all jus part on th rampant uncivility thas so common in th world today, eh! Peoples jus don't learn any manners anymore

Remember that famous speech where our new President at th time, Ronnie Raygunn called th Soviet Union, "An EVIL Empire"?

Remember how many of our enemies have referred to us as.,"The Great Satan" and other demonic descriptions?

Remember how our Leader has talked often of, "The Axis Of Evil"?

Now today, in a speech at th United Nations, Hugo (thas Oooo-go) Chavez, El Presidente de Venezuela, has called Georgie-Porgie. "The Devil". Immediately after sayin this, he made th Sign of the Cross, and even complained about th lingerin smell of Sulphur about th podium. tsk, tsk

Now, that rascal rilly should be sent to his room! That is just plain impolite, and he deserves to miss supper! Maybe next time he would think twice before utterin such a thing!! And at the Yew-nited Nations! It was disgraceful! His momma oughta wash his mouth out.

Sometimes it sounds like I'm back on th playground 55 years ago. Nyah, Nyah, Nyah! Cept Sister woulda rapped our knuckles real good for sayin such mean, nasty things. And I mean bloody knuckle Real Good too.

I myself have been subjected to similar slurs on a number of occasions as an adult. I've been referred to as, "The Evil One" and "The Dark One" by more than one loon before! But you know what? I didn't make a Big deal outta it. I jus turned em into a Toad and walked away.

th cap'm

You know, last year we were told th reason gas prices rose to 3 dollars a gallon, was as a result of damage to refineries caused by Hurricane Katrina, So we put up with those outrageous prices, well because, refineries were badly damaged, gas supplies were interrupted, blah, blah, blah, and well, what th hell, we couldn't do anything about it any way.

Gradually prices dropped back to around 2.50 a gallon. After payin those 3 dollar a gallon prices for months, 2.50 began to seem like a bargain. Then jus a couple of months ago, British Petroleum's refineries at Prudhomme, Alaska had to be shut down because of corrosive damage to their pipelines. That one huge refinery was responsible for 8% of all our gas needs. Gas prices again spiked to 3 dollars a gallon. We were told that it would prolly take until at least January. before they were able to restore production. Oh shit! At least six more months of extreme gouging lie ahead.

But then, a few weeks ago, gas prices at th pump started goin gradually back down again. I couldn't believe they dropped back to 2.50 a gallon. But, how in th hell could this decrease happen, given th reason why they supposedly increased to begin with? Th refinery hadn't been repaired still. How in th fuck could th price decrease 50 cents a gallon after we'd lost 8 % capacity? It jus didn't make any sense.

Now if that wasn't perplexing enuff, today, just maybe two weeks later, gas is down to TWO dollars a gallon!!! How could this possibly happen? What is th explanation given for th dollar a gallon decrease in gas in th past two months? How long has it been since gas was 2 dollars a gallon? Quite a long time now, huh!

I wonder.......hmmmmm? You know what I think? I think it has everything to do with th UPCOMING CONGRESSIONAL ELECTIONS!!

I mean, do you think there's any connection at all? Are these two events related in any way? Myself, gang, I'm highly suspicious!! After all, when th electorate are happy and content, voters tend to keep incumbents in office, and what better way to put a grin on their ignorant, gullible faces, then to greet them at th gas pump with low prices. Whad'da ya think?

th cap'm

OK, I think we can all agree th Chiefs have improved on Defense. They are obviously better there than they were last year. But at th price of what? Th end result result is still lost football games.

Their Offense is as laughable now as their Defense previously was. SIXTEEN points in two games!? Sheeit. That used to be their score in th first quarter, fr'chrissake!! Now they've scored one touchdown and kicked three field goals in TWO games. Absolutamenta pathetico!

Th difference here tho is; th Excitement Factor! Fuck Herm Edwards and his whole conservative style of football. Gimme Dick Vermiel any day. Ya used to watch a game and sit on th edge of your seat and wonder if th Chiefs high powered Offense could rack up more points than their non-existent Defense would give up? That made for some exciting football. Now ya sit there and yawn and wonder if they'll be able to score a touchdown during th game before ya fall asleep. Two words best describe Chiefs play today, BOR RING! BOR RING! BOR RING! OK, scuse me, thas six words.

I think from now on I'll jus tune in th news later on at nite to find out who won, rather than go thru th whole excruciating experience of actually watching th game.

By th way, that laughter and chuckling ya hear in th far off distance are th sounds of th football fans in th Big Apple. And that wind: nothing more than th collective sighs of relief from same.

signed,

Wake me when it's over in KC?

th cap'm

P.S. I warned ya a couple of weeks ago boyz and gurlz that this was gonna be a lonnngg season.

My buddy Mike G. pointed out to me that I had erroneously reported Mike's Tavern's address as 5526 Troost. Mea Culpa! Mea Culpa! As amatter of fact it's 5424 Troost!!! I don't know what in th hell I was thinkin? After all, I've been goin in that joint fer 41 years now!!

Th address I listed tho, 5526 Troost, jus happens to be th address of my old bar, "Hoohah's," which I had in th late ‘80s. Mebbe I had Hoohah's on my mind. I dunno. As we get older th mists start drifting in, and th mind begins to get cloudier and foggier. I dunno.

th cap'm

As you prolly know, Survivor kicked off it's new season this past Thursday nite. In this season, th contestants are divided by race. Just last week I heard a commercial on the radio urging peoples to tune in to this "social study". Social study!! Sheeit. What utter bullshit! They would have you believe that this was some kind of sociological study being conducted, rather than a blatantly, tasteless, effort by CBS to boost the sagging ratings of one of their flagship shows. It's pathetic the levels those assholes will stoop to to get ratings.

I will not be the least bit surprised that somewhere, some place, in the next couple of months, a fight breaks out among some peoples over this show. Maybe some one will be injured; maybe some one will be killed. And when it does happen, of course the media will be all over it and the attending publicity will do nothing but increase viewership as peoples curiosity are whetted by all the hoopla.

I didn't watch the show. I figure the only way I could demonstrate my opposition to their exploitation of our racial problems, would be to boycott the show alltogether. I believe there are plenty of problems with race already in this country, and I think a bullshit show like this will do nothing but exacerbate them. In any case, it sure as hell isn't going to improve them in any way.

So, as I sat in Mike's tavern Thursday nite, drinking my beers in lieu of watching the show, I took some pleasure in enacting a scenario in my head.

Two thuggish brutes, Krueger and Otto are led into Les Moonves office at CBS.

Krueger: Bad news Boss! Our people tell us dey saw da Cap'm drinkin beers at Mike's Tavern, 5526 Troost Ave. startin 15 minutes before da show aired and not leavin til closin time.

Moonves: Gasp! You....you...you mean he didn't watch the show? And what's with the address of the bar? Why do I need that information?

Otto: hehe Well Boss da owner said he'd spot us a couple of brewskis if we mentioned his joint, y'know so we.......

Moonves: Aw'right; Aw'right. Never mind that. Crikey!! What th fuck am I gonna do now? There goes the whole blasted season cuz if we don't get th Cap'm on board, we're gonna sink like a rock.

Krueger: Take it easy Boss. Chill. OK! I heard a football coach telling da fans about dere team losin, dat da football season wuz a marathon, not a sprint. See whut I'm gettin at? Dis is ony da furst show, right!?

Moonves: Yeah, yeah, I see what you mean Otto. Marathon, not a sprint. Still jus th beginning.

Krueger: Hey yo Boss!! I'm Krueger! Dat's Otto.

Moonves: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Hey ya know wut? I gotta idea here. Everybody gotta a price! Right! Anybody can be bought off. Whut is th Cap'ts price? Whut wuld it take ta get ta him?

Krueger: Hey, I know. Check dis out, Ya know how da cap'm hates dat Julia Dreyfuss bitch? Well, whut if ya cancelled her show in exchange fer his support?!

Moonves: Brilliant Otto!! Brilliant!

Krueger: Hey Boss I'm ...... ah, never mind.....

Moonves: (get's on intercom with Ambrosia Sweetmeat, his secretary)
Tell th producer of New/Old Christine to shut down production immediately!! Right fucking now!!

And so, as I drank more and more beers I spent the rest of the evening, going over and over the scene, changing a detail here, adding some stuff there, y'know jus changing it around and around til finally, near the end of th evening......I became,

KING OF THE WORLD!!

and with that, they all lived happily ever after.

th cap'm

P.S. What will Survivor do next you ask? I'll tell you, and remember, you heard it here! Straight from de cap'ms mouf!

Next season they will divide the tribes by gender preference. Straights. Gays. Lesbos. Bi's. Wait and see and then realize why they call th cap'm Seer!

And, oh yeah, some place down the line they have got to get a tribe of Jews, a tribe of Muslims, a tribe of Christians, and a tribe of Hindus. That oughta make fer some darned entertaining TeeVee, don'cha think!!

th cap'm

Here we go again. Jump on this roller coaster with me and let's take a ride!

Earlier today I had 2 deputies from the Platte County Fugitive unit and a KCMO cop here again, lookin for my landlord. This is about the 6-7th time in the last two months they've been here. I got a bit irritated when one of the deputies asked if they could step into my apt. and before I could even answer, just kinda started walking into my place. I told them in a exasperated voice,

"NO, you can't! Cuz whatever you're looking for Alan for, it's got nothing to do with me. I just happen to live here, OK. I've done absolutely nothing wrong so there's no reason why you should be coming into my apt."

So, they said ,

"That's OK, "We just have to be cautious".

So, I stepped outside onto the porch to talk with them. They asked if I had any weapons? I said, "No, none" They asked if Alan had any weapons and I said I didn't know, but that I'd be surprised if he did. They wouldn't tell me what it was all about. None of them ever have. They just tell me they want to question him concerning an ongoing investigation. They went on upstairs and banged on his door, but he wasn't here at the time. They left after about 20 minutes and I told em I'd call if I heard him return.

So, tonite, listening to the 10 o'clock news, the lead off story was about my landlord. Yep. The very same. When I heard the story, before they even gave his name, I knew it was about him. They said the police were looking for him. Evidently, he has been leaving life threatening messages on a Platte County judge's answering machine. Yeah, I know, not too bright, eh? But then, crazy peoples don't usually act rationally, do they?!

He also threatened to kill anyone trespassing on his property. This explains the caution these deputies were using earlier. Had I known just exactly what he'd been up to, I woulda been a bit less defensive about the whole thing.

We've all seen this scenario on TV before, haven't we, where cops go to a place to arrest a guy and the guy starts shooting, and some one gets killed and the neighbors say,

"Well gee, yeah, he was a bit weird, but I never thought he would do something like this."

I would suspect when they do catch him, that rather than setting bail, he would be held over, pending a psychiatric report. I don't think they'd have to question him too long to realize he's not functioning in a sane, rational manner and wouldn't make a very good prospect for bail. In the end I would think a plea of diminished capacity from his attorney would be appropriate and the ultimate outcome of it all with him being sent to some kind of mental health facility.

Incarceration, I think, would prolly result in him getting shanked.

This is gonna be a bummer for me tho, cuz no matter how it plays out, cuz in the end I'm gonna be lookin for another place to live. And as ya'll know, thas my main concern. ME! ME! ME!

th cap'm

The below is from David, a good friend of mine. We first met back in 65' when we were both going to UMkC at the time. He went on to graduate and become a succesful consultant to th NY Times. I, on th other hand, went on to become...um, well, um...Cap't Hoohah, I guess.

A radio staion back east regularly reads his rants over the air. Check it out.

********************

To All Patriotic Americans:

It is imperative that we citizens — through our elected representatives in DC — rise up to tear down the most vile, traitorous and un-American Constitutional Amendment ever enacted.

As all True Believers understand, it is the 22nd Amendment which limits great and glorious presidents to an arbitrary two terms in office.

We MUST give President Bush more time to achieve the most visionary international policies in the history of our country.

We have brought terrorism to its knees. We are crushing terrorists in Iraq so we don’t have to kick butt in Nebraska and Indiana.

We are spreading democracy throughout the heathen Middle East. To wit: A strong, successful, unified government in Iraq, whose citizenry greets us daily with chocolates and flowers.

A democratic government in that Eden of Peace and Poppies, Afghanistan.

A freely elected Hamas rules Palestine. (Some quibble because Hamas is a Sunni terrorist group. Details.)

Another terrorist group, Hezbollah, has a strong legislative representation — and a huge army — in Lebanon. And its leader, Hassan Nasrallah, is now the hero of the Arab street since Hezbollah fought Israel to at least a draw.

Another terrorist group, The Muslim Brotherhood, has 88 seats in Egypt's Parliament.

The Shia crescent — led by that zany, madcap Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — now stretches from eastern Saudi Arabia, through Bahrain, Iran, much of Iraq, Syria and into Lebanon. So ... a few nukes ... so what?

President Bush has accomplished what no other leader has — since the prophet Muhammad's death in 632 AD — Bush has established common ground where both Sunnis and Shias can focus their hatred on a common enemy, western infidels.

Perhaps Condie said it best, we are witnessing the birth pangs of a new Middle East. Sure, we have turned pan-Arabism into pan-Islamism but who ever said that birthing a blonde, blue eyed baby comes without some discomfort?

There have been a few setbacks — as Rummy the Impaler sagely noted — östuff happens". Fortunately Big Dick Chaney put everything in perspective with his savvy “last throes” analysis.

With a triumphant Middle East policy, with North Korea cowering, with the world's opinion of America at all time levels, with gas prices of no concern to SUV owners, we MUST, we MUST repeal that inane 22nd Amendment and let

Our Leader continue his unprecedented march to victory.

And let those naysayers — those traitors who worry about separation of powers, about due process, about habeas corpus, about domestic surveillance, about a spot of torture here and there, about record deficits, et alia — let them go live with their fellow Commies in China, which this administration has snookered into loaning us so much money that ... well, never mind.

Four More Years!

John Q. Public

P.S. Worth noting: President Bush has led America into an unprecedented arena: we are funding BOTH sides of the War on Terror. Over $300 billion — and counting — in Iraq alone. Plus a multiple of that Iraqi expenditure in petroleum purchases from the very Mideast countries that pay for, harbor, train and arm Hamas, Hezbollah and Al Qaeda.

Who says we can't have our cake and eat it too?

Four More Years!

******************

You can see why he went on to th heights, while I'm still mired dow here in th muck, eh! Ha ha

th cap'm

Hmmm, well it appears I'm not the only one who has some "issues" with Jerry. Several peoples concurred with my general assessment of th cur.

My friend Mardi pointed out, in relation to fund raising efforts by different organizations, that they are only required to spend 10% of their donations on the "cause", the rest being used for administrative costs, whatever, in order to maintain their 502-C3 status. (not for profit) That seems completely ridiculous to me, that only a dime for each dollar collected needs to be spent where it's supposed to be going. Like I said, this is what some of these peoples do for a living. They are professional fund raisers.

It ought to be a requirement for all non-profit fund organizations to state publicity, the percentage of monies actually given to a cause, to the amount of money collected. Peoples might not be so eager to sign that check knowin that 75 cents of every dollar they gave went to the peoples collecting the money, so they could tool around town in comfort in their Mercedes.

I'm told that the Catholic Relief fund has a very laudable 90%-10% ratio for monies generated. However I have no way of corroborating those figures.

Thas one of the benefits of givin your money directly to Clyde on the corner there; unless he decides to share that bottle of Mad Dog with one of his buddies under the bridge, you know that he is going to enjoy every last drop hisself.

th cap'm

It seems every year around Labor Day, I "go off" on JL. This year I decided, "Oh fuck it" and so I desisted. Until that is, when I read in the paper where some Congress person was suggesting that Jerry be given an award. I forget the name of it, but it is the most prestigious award a civilian can get. It's like the Medal of Honor award for the military. That was more than I could bear in silence.

Of course, one will never be elected, "Most Popular" by bad mouthing Jerry Lewis, but what the fuck, I'm not in a popularity contest anyway! It would be like insinuating Santa Clause has ulterior motives for havin those kids sittin in his lap, or maybe like tellin kids the Easter Bunny has rabies. But I really get sick tho of his annual tribute to himself under the guise of a telethon for MS kids.

OK, ya'll, some background: many years ago on Labor Day they used to have,

The Muscular Dystrophy Telethon.

Then it became the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon with Jerry Lewis.

Then it became the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon.

Now today, it's jus the Jerry Lewis Telethon.

Do you see a progression there? A pattern? Jerry and his crew hi-jacked this event and gradually turned it into, "His Thing".

Years ago kids who had MD were known simply as, "kids with MD". Today they're known as, "Jerry's kids". If you should have MD, you can take solace knowing that you are now one of, "Jerry's kids". That's sure to cheer you up, eh.

When Jerry talks about kids with MD, he calls them, "MY kids", and you don't have to listen closely to catch the emphasis on, "MY". Ya wanna make a contribution for kids with Muscular Dystrophy, drop a saw buck in th box for "Jerry's Kids". Do ya see what I'm trying to get across here? It's as much about Jerry as anything. What a joke!!

And you know what, each entertainer who comes out must spend the first minute of his gig thanking, praising, brown-nosing, and heaping on the tributes to Jerry hisself, "for making it all possible". If you listen to all of em, you will get the strong impression that Jerry and Mother Teresa, dance the same jig. Next time I'm in church, I'm gonna light some extra candles for St. Jerry. But um.....well, I'm afraid it's gonna be a while.

Yeah, I know, I know, they say they raise a lotta money. I'm really curious tho, out of all the money that is raised, jus how much of it actually winds up where it's supposed to go? Cuz y'know, so many so-called "charities" are little more than self perpetuating gigs for the administrators and bureaucrats who have hitched their wagons onto the Gravy Train. And they are exactly the ones who will tell you loudest and longest how much good they accomplish, all the while accepting your accolades (and CASH) with modesty.

And speaking of Jerry once again, I read something recently where he was referred to as, "the legendary comedian" Oh my! har har. Pleeze! Scuuuse me, while I go and engage in a bit of projectile vomiting. Damn! Why doesn't he jus take his gig to France? The froggies think he's a comic genius too. haha. This is in itself pretty fucking amusing. A little grist for the mill for all you franco-phobes out there.

I gotta admit tho, there was a time when I myself thought Jerry Lewis was prolly the funniest guy on the planet. But then I got older and more mature, and I thought to myself,

"Sheeit, I'll be a teenager next year and all grown up. What the fuck was I thinking? What kind of a dumb-ass punk kid was I to ever see anything funny in this overgrown baby idiot?"

Oh, I know it's all Blasphemy and I'm gonna go to hell for my Evil ways. But thas OK. Cuz at least it'll give me plenty of time to get to know "th Real Jerry Lewis"
And while I'm on the subject of telethons, I've got an idea of my own to replace Jerry's gig on MS. It would be known as the,

"Capt. Hoohah Labor Day Crack Momma Telethon"

Think of the possibilities there! I could carry on ad nauseum about, 'MY girls", like Jerry likes to talk about, "MY kids". We could get some really touching footage of me introducing various “crack ladies'”and letting them tell their tales of woe, and thanking me for all I'm doing for them, while others tell me what a magnificent and compassionate human being I am, while I stammer out my, "Oh shucks" and, "Oh, I dunno. Gee! You really think so?" and shuffle my feet shyly. I think it could make for some riveting TeeVee. And, not that it matters of course, but also provide me and my staff of 2,000 with a steady gig.

th cap'm

My buddy Mike G. sent this to me. Perhaps you've seen it before. If so, tuff shit. Read it again.

******************
We cried on Sept. 11, but we miss Sept. 10
By Mitch Albom

On Sept. 11, 2006, the five-year anniversary, we saw the deluge of grizzly images, we heard speeches from politicians, we made vows to avenge those who perished, we made grim promises to fight on in the waron terror.

If Sept. 11 was the day we never saw coming, Sept. 10 was the day we will never see again.

And we miss it terribly.

We miss when you could pull up at an airport without bracing for a military exercise.

We miss when toothpaste was not considered a weapon.

We miss when the most well-known Muslim names in America were professional athletes.

We miss when a "cell" was a biological term.

We miss when politicians didn't make you feel that you're one of us or you're one of them.

We miss when one party didn't call the other party cowards and consider that a foreign policy.

We miss Sept. 10.

We miss when going to New York City meant a mandatory trip to a Broadway play, not a mandatory trip to a large, sad hole in lower Manhattan.

We miss when seeing someone reading the Quran didn't make us nervous.

We miss when we actually celebrated how free and open our borders were.

We miss when Al-Jazeera was just another TV channel we never heard of.

We miss when we saw war crimes and said, "Our soldiers don't do that," instead of, "Well, look at what the other guys do."

We miss when Islam was just another religion in the world.

We miss when pilots used to let kids come up to see the cockpit.

We miss when movies would open with shots of a skyline and two giant blue towers.

We miss when we never thought of sending anthrax through the mail, or lighting a shoe on fire, or putting explosives in sports drink bottles.

We miss simplicity.

We miss Sept. 10.

We miss when "jihad" was a foreign word.

We miss when belts could stay on.

We miss when we didn't war amongst ourselves over a war somewhere else.

We miss when we thought paying for gas was just an expensive habit, not a
means of enriching our enemies.

We miss when we spoke to our Arab neighbors and didn't hear a voice in our heads whispering, "I wonder whose side they'd be on?"

We miss when you didn't have to show ID for everything.

We miss the feeling that there wasn't a large cloud hanging over our future, and our children's future, and our grandchildren's future, a feeling that nothing could be trusted, that you were never really safe, that this enemy which is only too happy to die for its cause wants to make sure we go first, and this enemy is not going away.

We miss sleeping soundly.

We miss not being so smart.

We miss our naivete.

We cry on Sept. 11.

But we miss Sept. 10.

***************************
I replied back.

"So true. so true. Everything in our lives was irrevocably changed on Sept.11, 2001 and it will Never, Ever be like Sept. 10, 2001 again!!

I think in the future, historians will talk about the world in terms of, before and after that day, as in B/9/11 and A/9/11.

And here in the US, B/9/11 will be remembered as a kind of "Golden Age" in Amerikan history.

Or else, as maybe a time when we lived with our heads in the sand, blithely unaware of what was happening around us.

I'll leave it up to the Historians to figure it out.
th cap'm

OK, Kansas City Chiefs fans, I have some bad news for ya. It's about th upcoming game with th Cincinnati Bengals. This game is a harbinger of things to come. It's gonna be a Bad Day at Black Rock; take my word on it. If ya got any chickens, goats, bulls, whatever...to sacrifice to th gods, I suggest you get on with it, cuz yer gonna need all th help ya can get.

Y'know, peoples come up to me alla time and ask me,

"Yo, cap'm, how do ya do it? How do ya always seem to know th outcome of these games in advance? Whut's yer secret, dawg?"

Aw'right, looky here. I studies th game film, I look at th match-ups, I peruse th stats fer clues, I compare th strengths and weaknesses of th teams involved.
I do all that stuff. But here's my secret. This is whut separates me from th rest of th pack and th only reason I reveal it here is cus so very few peoples have this kinda talent any more.

My secret is:

I OBSERVE AND DECIPHER CAT ENTRAILS!

Thas right boyz and gurlz, cat guts, if you will. This ancient form of divination has largely been lost thru th ages. There are only a handful of practioners left here in th Third Millennium, including yers truly. You would be surprised at whut one can see, if ya know whut to look fer, and how to interpret it.

This is whut my neighbor's cat told me,

Cincinnati Bengals---35
KC Chiefs.-------------20

Oh, by th way, based on my most recent observations, I also have some reely bad news for you young peoples out there, who might be wondering, like, whut's in store for us? Whut does th Future hold out fer our generation?

But I'm not gonna get specific here, OK, cus th fact of th matter is,

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

But, lemme jus say this kids, It Ain't Gonna Be Pretty; this Dance yer goin to. I don't envy ya one bit.

OK, boyz and gurlz, thas it fer now; ya'll have a nice weekend, y'heah. And remember; every Silver Lining has a Thunderstorm lurking in it, possibly with tornados!

th cap'm

Since this was a Labor Day Monday nite, th saloon was closed and so I didn't go out. It's been pretty quite here on th range lately. Th fuzz hasn't been here in five or six days now, but as ya know, nothin last forever, cus th madman who lives upstairs “went off” again tonite. Th rantings, screaming, yelling and babbling coming from upstairs was more than I could put up with again, so I left around 12 to get away from it for a bit.

I feel so sorry for th little Chinese student, Ping, who jus moved in here a few days ago. Ha ha. This poor, shy little girl had no idea in th world what kind of situation she was moving into. She might just as well rented a room in th monkey cage at th Zoo. Th other young college student who lived there before, broke her lease to escape th Madness.

But what about ME? What does one do when th person who owns your apt. building, who you pay yer rent to, goes completely off their rocker every few days, and there is reely no moving option available? Sheeit, ese, I dunno what to do? I bought some earplugs, and that helps, but it reely doesn't get to th root of th problem, does it? Nope, it doesn't! I don't think my earplugs aren't likely to cure his Insanity. Likewise, I knew that beer I was goin to drink wasn't gonna solve anything either, but, what th hell.....

So, on th way to Ott's, in one of those little co-incidences, I was listening to a re-broadcast of Rush Limbaugh's show, and believe me boyz and gurlz, it pains me terribly to say this; but I was in almost lock-step agreement with what he was sayin. Oh smite me, poke sticks in my eyes, rip out my tongue. Whatever!!

Cus he was talikin bout th Survivor show I jus wrote about. And he made exactly some of th same points I made. Whas goin on here? Is that sunuvabitchin bog runner monitoring my emails? But no, wait, that doesn't make any sense. Why would he waste his time, cus, like, Rush and I agree on things about as often as th Royals win World Series.

I'm back at th crib now. From th ceiling I'm listening to th sounds of chairs bein thrown about, desks over turned, lamp smashings, cannonballs bein dropped and rolled around th floor. Canon balls you say? Well, I don't know what else could possibly be makin that noise?

Damn, this is th third place in a row in th last ten years where I've had to deal with a raving maniac. Th first place I tried shootin a 38 thru th ceiling, but that didn't work very well, cuz that crazy fucker was jus too fuckin crazy to even notice I was sendin little chunks of lead thru his floor.

Th second place I had better results with a butcher knife to make my case for Peace and Serenity.

But bein more mature this time around, as I approach th age of Medicare, I've decided to eschew those kinda approaches, which basically leaves me powerless and Shit outta Luck!.

Well, this is jus another example boyz and gurlz. I've said it before, and at th risk of bein redundant, I'll say it again;

I AM THE LOON MAGNET!!

th cap'm

P.S. On a different note, ya prolly heard by now th crocodile guy was killed by a sting-ray. It's very tragic and all, but keep in mind, when ya go around poking sticks at hornet's nests, eventually yer gonna get stung!

I'm sure you must have heard on th evening news where th Star ran (my letter)… by th way, don't worry bout me; I'm not lettin it go to my head cus I'm still gonna be th same ol Cap'm Hoohah you knew before.

I have instructed my security peoples to let th masses approach my personage, and so there should be no problems. And there won't be; if you don't make any!! Capice!

th cap'm

OK, ya'll this is kinda interesting. Ya may or may not know it, but back in '77-'79, I owned my first "headshop" at 4044 Broadway called Middle Earth. My shop was in a little stretch on th west side of Broadway where th Hurricane is located today. At that time, there was a clothing store on th corner of Westport and Broadway. Th first place N. of that was a gay bar called "The Redhead". And if ya've ever been in th Hurricane before, that circular bar there was originally in th Redhead.

My shop, Middle Earth, was next, and next to my place was a small record store called The Music Exchange. Thas right, THAT Music Exchange! That was it's original location. And I guess you all may know th owner of th Music Exchange, Ron Rooks, died tragically this past week, after having choked on some food.

Now fer those of ya too young to know what a “headshop” was; it was a place that took care of yer drug paraphernalia needs, ie. bongs, pipes, rollin papers, etc. GASP! My shop was also stocked with various Hobbit related products that were around then. Fr'instance, I carried several very nice ceramic Gandalf bongs, T-shirts with things on th front, like, "Keep on Tolkien", Frodo Rules", jewelry, posters, and such like that, to name a few.

I also sold yer underground comix like Zap, th Flying Furry Freak Brothers, Mr Toad, Capt. Guts and his erstwhile nemesis, Ambrosia Sweetmeat, etc. But besides th undergrounds, as they were known, I also had about 5,000 regular comics.

And so, to th gist of th story; I used to have two young high school dudes, 17-18 years old, who collected comics and came in regularly. They would sit on th floor and go methodically thru my comic book stash and pick out those things that interested them. So, Saturday, I got this email from outta th ether.

**********************
Date: Sun, Sep 3, 2006, 10:09am (CDT-2) To: capthoohah@webtv.net
Subject: Sign me up Charlie

Hi Charlie,

A friend of mine from LA (Dave Stuckey) sent me a link to an article about you in the Pitch. (ed. note, this is kinda bizarre cuz that article is about 5 years old c.h.) I don't know if you'd remember either of us. We were in high school in 1978 when we found your shop in Westport – Middle Earth (I think it was called that, but I'm not sure).

You turned us on to R. Crumb and we used to scrounge around your shop buying old Marvel comics as well. It was lots of fun. When I'm driving down Broadway, I still look over at that section of shops wishing Middle Earth would reappear. Well, it's nostalgic for me, but for all I know, it might've been a pain in the ass for you!

Anyway, I'd like to be added to your e-mail reading list if you're still doing that.

Thanks,

Phil F_______

*******************

Ha ha, Is that a trip or what! That was, like, 28 years ago. These guys are middle-aged now and I'm an old geezer now. Every now and then I come across some one who remembers my shop there back in those days of yore and it's always a treat. Always brings back memories. This, no less so.
Howdy P.F.

th cap'm

P.S. A whole lotta stuff has gone down since that time 28 years ago, y'know whut I mean. How bout you boyz and gurlz? What were you doin in ‘78, and where was yur head at then?

I read an article in th Star yesterday that noted that a former police officer from Ark City was one of th guys who escorted John Mark Karr from Thailand back to Boulder. In case you didn't know, he's th Nationally Famous guy who confessed to th murder of a little six year old girl about ten years ago. Her name was Jon Benet Ramsey and her case drew quite a bit of attention.

And even tho this guy Karr has turned out, not to be th killer, altho he confessed to th crime, you know th residents of Ark City are prolly pretty darned proud that some one who used to live right there in Arkansas City was involved in this drama.

So, if you happen to know anyone from there you might wanna call em and congratulate them on their achievement and you might mention you read about it in th Kansas City Star. Of course, I'm sure that everybody in Ark City already knows about it, and are all abuzz in th local cafe and tavern.

Frankly tho, I'm surprised th Star didn't delve into this thing deeper, cuz this is th kinda hard hitting story they dig into. They didn't even mention th officers name. We don't know where he went to high school, or college? We don't know what his landlady thought about him or anything?

Hopefully, one of th local TV stations will take up where th Star left off. This story sounds like it was tailor made for Channel 5, "Live! Late Breaking! Investigative!"

Well, anyway I jus wanted to let you know about this in case you don't take th paper; and if you don't, Shame on you! This is exactly th sort of information you're missing out on, AND YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOUR SELF.

th cap'm

I just heard today where the next season of Survivor is going to pit ethnic groups against each other. Thas right. They're gonna have four teams. One Caucasian, one African-Amerikan, One Asian and one Latino. Is this just unbelievable!?

Can you imagine a guy pitching this insane, classless idea to th brass? You would think they woulda fired his ass right on th spot and had him escorted off th property as bein potentially dangerous. But nooo, as a matter of fact, they approved th fookin idea!

Now, I know what yer thinkin. I can hear yer minds grinding and yer goin; there goes th Cap'm again with one of his foolish, off-th-wall ideas. Where does he come up with this goofy shit?

But nooo, Not Guilty boyz and gurls; this is fer real! They are actually doing this. Does it strike you as a bit racists? Am I th only one who finds this concept outrageously stupid and insensitive in th extreme?

Well sheeit, whut th hell, if they're gonna do that, might I suggest they call th tribes, Th Honkies, or perhaps Th Peckerwoods? Th Niggaz, or maybe Th Spear Chuckers? Th Slant-Eyes, or maybe Th Gooks, and of course, you got Th Beaners, Th Greasers, Th Chili-Shitters or if you prefer, maybe Th Taco-Benders, or jus Th Wetbacks? Scuse me, but these are only my suggestions. I'm sure th peoples who run th show will be able to come up with something apropos.

I'm a bit curious tho, since everybody knows th Jews run Hollywood, (along with th rest of th world when they're not out starting wars) why there aren't a tribe of Kikes? And to offset that, for th sake of fairness, so there's no accusations of Bias, a tribe of Rag-heads too? Think of th Dynamic Tensions these two tribes could present, eh!

Now I read recently where some African-Amerikans had already complained that previous episodes of Survivor had been slanted against A-A's cuz they didn't know how to swim as well as others, thus putting them at a serious disadvantage when "challenges" involved swimming. I wasn't aware of this short coming in African-Amerikans? I have driven by swimming pools before and I didn't notice th lifeguards jumpin in and yankin drownin African-Amerikans outta th water right and left. But mebbe I jus wasn't payin close enuff attention to th plight of th black man, as so many don't.

I'm wondering tho how th Honkies will be able to compete on an equal basis with th Brothas when any challenge involves jumping? Cus, you know, everybody knows white boys can't jump! Or run! Or anything involving physical abilities? And if there's gonna be any dancin goin on, Fuggedaboutit!!

On th other hand, who will be able to match th Gooks problem solving advantage? Cuz every body knows they're smarter than every one else.
And th poor Beaners will be outmatched in in almost everything! Cept maybe th ability to climb fences, pick strawberries, and pack twenty of em in a VW van.

Oh well, fortunately I don't havta worry bout such minor details. All I gotta do is sit back and enjoy th show and root fer my favorite ethnic group. But thas kinda a problem fer me tho, since mi madre's maiden name was Flores. Do I cheer on Chico or Fred? Sigh. As usual, torn between two worlds. One foot in this one, th other foot in that one. What's a half-breed to do?

th cap'm

I jus discovered this about an hour ago. As you may know, I hate this show. I have moaned, and griped and bitched about it often. I hate everything about it; th premise, th casting, th writing, and especially JLD. Now I must say, I thought she was great as Elaine in Seinfeld. Funny, whacky, quirky, y'know, th whole bit.
But in Christine, she's a complete bust. Jus terrible. Tryin too hard to recapture that magic, and foiled by really bad writing, and a dismal supporting cast.

I suppose in an effort not to recreate Elaine all over again, she only has one expression now; th mouth turned down in a sad-sack kinda look. A look of frustration and disappointment. After about ten minutes it gets rilly old, worn out, and trite.

I saw a gurl I know at Osco's a little while ago and she said, more or less, "Yo Charley, didja see where Julia Louis-Dreyfus won an Emmy for her role in Christine?"

I said,

"Yeah, I jus read that a few minutes ago."

And she said, in a gloating kinda mode,

"So..... after all yer bad-mouthing of her show, whadda'ya gotta say now?"

I replied,

"All I gotta say is that; it confirms what I knew all along, and that is that peoples are jus as fucking stoopid as I thought they were!!!"

She said,

"Oh c'mon. you jus don't wanna admit you were wrong!"

I said,

"No, no, thas not it at all. Gimme a break. Take yer mind outta th closet and watch it one time. Watch th same old, tired cliches ya've seen over and over again on every sit-com thas ever been on and tell me you thought it was funny. Sheeit."

I was starting to get worked up and I had to egress th hell outta there before i started "goin off". Ha ha

Th only other possibility for her win was; th FIX was in!!

Thas it boyz and gurlz; there's only those two possibilities;

1. Peoples are stoopid! (that would be my guess)
2. Th whole thing is rigged. (hey, if they can rig a presidential election, how hard would it be to.......)

th cap'm

Whenever some one sez this ta me it rankles a bit. Cuz as a matter of fact, NO, I DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH FUCKING TIME ON MY HANDS! OK!?

How in th world can ya have too much time on yer hands? I wish th days were four hours longer myself, and that there were eight days instead of seven in a week.

Usually when peoples say this ta ya they are sayin it in an accusatory, condemning kinda way that is intended ta make ya feel bad or guilty or somthin, cus they think yer activity, or maybe lack of activity they're commenting on, is a waste of time. But whose time? Hey It's my time and I'll do whatever th hell I want with it!

See, yer not allowed ta jus BE! In these peoples way of thinkin ya gotta BE DOIN SOMTHIN! Alla time!

But I think time is well spent, regardless of whut yer doin, as lon as yer enjoyin yerself, and I don't apologise ta NOBODY fer how I spend my time. I mean, Sheeit, some peoples spend a lot of time and effort collecting barbed wire. Not my cupo tea, but, hey. If ya wanna count th cracks on yer ceiling and enjoy doin that, I say, GO FER IT!!

I think peoples who say this to another do so out of a kind of jealousy cuz they are th ones whose hours are so crowded that they can't do a lot of things they might otherwise do, cept they don't have th fuckin time themselves. So they say this ta ya in an accusatory kinda fashion, as a kinda put down cus they see ya spendin yer time in whut they consider a frivolous way; BUT TH FACT IS; they envy ya!

They seem ta think that everything one does must have some kinda purpose, must be productive in some kinda way, that should produce some kinda result. It's all part of th Protestant work ethic, like, it's immoral or somethin to do nothin. "Idle hands......" and all that bullshit.

They are more likely, (altho in fact, not really very likely) to see you spendin an hour in meditation, if ya tell em yer searchin fer Serenity, or Harmony, or Peace or some fuckin thing. At least, ya've got some kinda purpose see, altho they would still consider that whole process a waste of time anyway I'm sure.
If some one asks ya what ya did that day and ya tell em that you jus laid around on yer sofa all afternoon and they ask,

"Well, what? Like, were ya meditatin or watchin th TeeVee or somethin?"

and ya say,

"Nah, I wuz jus lying there."

"Well, whut were ya doin?"

"Nothin, y'know, jus relaxin and thinkin."

"Ya mean, ya were jus lyin there doin absolutely nothin, jus lyin there thinkin?"

"Yeah, thas right!"

Ok, here it comes

"Dude, you got waaay too much time on you're hands!"

Yeah, ya know, like I coulda done some laundry, or shined my shoes, or washed some dishes or somethin, but ya know whut? I didn't fuckin feel like doin any of those things! So I didn't, godammit.

th cap'm

P.S. I think maybe the only time you could ever say that to someone legitimately would be to a dude doin his time in solitary. Cuz you know he wishes th day was only four hours long, and th weeks were shortened to four days.