October 29, 2007 1:27 AM
OK, here's th deal. I picked up this little tome
by Thomas Pynchon called Against The Day. True to Pynchonesque
form, this one runs 1,089 pages. But thas not th problema; before
I tackle th rest of th book, I'm still tryin to figure out what this
quote on th page after th table of contents means,
"It's always night, or we wouldn't need light."
Is that somthin you can comprehend boyz and gurlz? Am I jus th village
idiot, or whut? Sheeit, if I can't even get to page one, then I dunno!
By th way, that bit of mysterious Wisdom comes to ya by way of Thelonious
Monk! No jive. Go figure. So, ya got any clues or hints fer me?
P.S. By th way, do ya know why Hitler had to quit drinkin gin?
Th Chicanery Jus Keeps On Keepin On! Ad Nauseaum.
October 29, 2007 12:38 AM
I spose ya'll have heard about th phony news conference
FEMA put on last Tuesday about their handling of th fires in California?
Yeah, they had a bunch of their employees play th role of reporters
and lobbed soft-ball questions at their representative, Vice Admiral
Harvey Johnson, Dep. Director of FEMA.
Whut in th fuck is happening to our country when a Government Agency
stoops to faking a news conference? Th brazen, mendacious audacity
of it boggles my mind. I mean, th Deputy Director of FEMA, was responsible
for this shady charade, not some low level mook, who took it upon
himself to try and make th Agency look good.
Some one from FEMA said, in lame-ass excuse mode, that they were merely
tryin to get some information out to th public, but used a regrettable
and ill advised manner of doin it. No kiddin? Th head of FEMA, Michael
Chertoff, said those responsible would be reprimanded!
Sheeit! He and every single individual in that room, including th
camera man and sound man, everybody, ought to fired immediately!!
And never be allowed to work in a Government position again. And surely
there must have been some kind of Federal statute violated? Isn't
there a Federal joint somewhere they could be sent to reflect on their
I guess, tho, considering th lies this Administration used to justify
th Invasion of another country, and th lies they've used to try and
justify five years of War there, a fake news conference shouldn't
really surprise. But, it still does, dammit. I keep thinkin; there
must be limits, but nooooo. Those fuckers have gotten so used to tactics
like this, they jus don't know where to stop.
Man! This is th kind of "news management" that goes on in
Yo Daddy, are we there yet?
Th Cap'm Takes On Dick And George, And Emerges Triumphant!
October 28, 2007 7:39 PM
I had a dream last nite where my Arch-Nemesis Dick
Nixon and George Bush were in cahoots together tryin to get me to
divulge th names of peoples on my e-mail list, so they could round
em up and send em to re-education camps in Cambodia, and thus rule
Well anyway boyz n gurlz, no cause fer alarm. Ya'll can rest easy
cuz I didn't snitch any body out! I told em,
"You'll never take me alive!"
And Georgie got a reel confused look on his face, y'know th look I'm
talkin about, and Dicky said,
"Don't worry! Be happy. He's jus bluffin, cuz we already got
So I retorted,
"OK, but um...well, yu'll never make me talk then!"
And Georgie's face lit up and he said to Dicky,
"Iss OK. Ve haf vays of makeeng peoples talk."
and so Georgie asked me,
"Ben schvimming lately cap'm?"
and my heart filled with dread, cuz I knew whut was comin.
Yep! They had discovered my Achilles heel. My fear of Death by Drowning.
How did they know? Who betrayed me? So, he and Dicky started waterboarding
me! Oh man, it was horrible I tell ya!! I couldn't breathe. My lungs
were bursting, and finally I had had enuff und so I shrieked,
"Enuff! Enuff of zis Madness."
and from somewhere deep inside, a terrible fury erupted and I found
th strength to break th chains of oppression holdin me down. It was
a scene reminiscent of, like. Popeye downin a whole can o spinach,
y'dig, and tho I be's a geezer, I can still smoke th Nixon/Bush combo
any time and so I proceeded to handily kick their asses.
Hey ese, there's some shit I don't have to put up with, and bein intimidated
and tortured (dependin of course on whut ya call torture) in my own
dreams is one of em, OK!
And so, once again, I saved th world from th Evil Duo of Dick Nixon,
and his cowardly protegé, Geo Bush in their quest fer World
Domination. (and my e-mail list too)
Havin whupped their butts, I sallied forth and I couldn't help but
shout out my rallying cry.
"Damn th windmills, full-speed-boogie ahead!" and lowered
and th peoples threw laurels and rose petals before me (they love
me) and some cried out that I was The Super Hero, but I jus said,
"Aw Shucks, it was nothin! I jus did what yer regular run-o-th-mill
Super-Heroes do! Y'know, I was jus bein Super and Heroic, albeit,
simultaneously. har har"
And my modesty and humor elicited a huge outpouring of affection from
th masses. (See, I told ya they love me!) And I was basking in th
adulation and accolades, and it was all Aces me, but of course, dreams
are only dreams, eh?
And then I woke up! And it all came back to me. Harsh Strident Reality.
I wasn't actually a Super Hero after all; I was jus th cap'm havin
another super silly dream. Drats!
Th disappointments one must go thru in Life, eh! And yet somehow we
endure. This broken dream, like all th others preceedin it, in time
will fade away into th grey mists of memory, otherwise, how would
we ever survive! OK, so now, like,
"Whut's next? Bring it on!"
Chinese Launch Lunar Probe
October 26, 2007 2:57 PM
Ya prolly didn't hear about this bcus th story was
pretty much buried here in this country, but th Chinese jus launched
a Lunar Mission a few days ago. This is a major technological accomplishment,
and yet, we are told almost nothin about it. It's like, "Ho-hum.
So, whas new?"
You can be sure that this story was given major coverage in Asia and
Europe, but our Government views th Chinese as a major competitor,
as a rival, so they downplay it by not even talkin about it. But whut
about our so-called "free press"? Why has there been almost
no mention of it there? Do they all get together and collude and say
that they will all give it minimal, or no coverage at all? Are they
all followin th Government's lead?
Of course, th Chinese made a major PR gaffe by launchin durin th World
Series. As THE GREATEST NATION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, we have
more important issues on our minds right now than a bunch on Lune
Talk. Sox or Rockies? Don't bother me with any inconsequential crap
right now, OK! I'm busy!
Two Letters To Star Reporters
October 23, 2007 4:35 PM
From: email@example.com(Charley) Date: Tue. Oct
23, 2007, 4:01pm
Subject: Your Monday Column On The Semler Controversy
Normally Mike, I agree with probably 80% of what you say, but I couldn't
disagree with you more on your take of the Mayor's position as "principled".
(this is roughly th letter I sent to th editor a few days ago)
I believe that if he had known before hand of Semler's involvement
in this controversial organization BEFORE he appointed her, THEN he
could claim the moral high ground of refusing to back off from his
decision. That would mean he went into it with eyes wide open. BUT
since he didn't know, and she didn't tell; his refusal to back down
now strikes me as nothing more than Stubborness, not Principle.
I liked Funkhouser before he was elected. I liked that he wasn't your
typical "insider". I thought he was going to make a great
Mayor with his fresh attitude and ideas of how Government should NOT
work. Now after some months in office, after numerous gaffes, I'm
beginning to see why "outsiders" don't actually work very
well in politics, because in spiteof their good intentions, they simply
don't know what the hell they're doing!
Now though, in spite of the negative financial results to the city,
the Mayor says he must stand by his decision on Principle. Altho it
strikes me as identical to the Bush Principle; that is, stick by your
decisions, no matter how wrong and costly they may prove to be, on
the Principle that you won't be swayed by reason or rationale to change
them once you have "decided".
Not exactly the kind of Principle I have any respect for. His so-called
"principle" reeks of nothing but Bull-Headed Stubborness
I further thought that was a real stretch for you to equate the Minutemen
with a neighborhood watch group? C'mon, pleeze! I thought vigilantes
were organizations formed because there was no other law? How would
you feel about people coming from all over the country, patrolling
our neighborhoods in SUVs, armed to the teeth, because they said they
were just doing the job our local police weren't equipped to do? Would
you still be saying,
"Hey, nothing wrong with a bunch of vigilantes!"
Are you behind in your dues Mike? Is that what was behind your Minutemen
defense? Did they threaten to cancel your membership, if you didn't
demonstrate your support in some way?
I'm not sure on this point, but didn't the Mayor's actions result
in our city losing the La Raza National Convention, representing a
good part of the large Hispanic population of the entire country,
for the Minutemen convention of 300 people representing a small fringe
Spin it any way you like, you won't convince me this was good for
Aw'right, this is th letter I wrote to Steve Penn, who I agreed with.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org(Charley) Date: Tue. Oct 23, 2007, 3:17pm
Subject: Your Views On Funkhouser Re Semler
Mr Penn, I couldn't agree with you more. Normally I like Mike Hendricks,
but I was sorely disappointed to read his "take" on this
whole issue in his Monday column. It was pathetic.
You, on the other hand, were Right On! We seem to see our Mayor in
a similar light, Stubborn, not Principled.
Read Steve Penn's column on th front page of th Local section of today's
paper (Tues. 23rd) to see what I'm referrin to.
RE: My Letter To The Editor
October 23, 2007 3:56 AM
Hmmm, other than the fact that La Raza's withdrawal
of their convention is now official, I'm not sure just what this person
wants me to "revise".
I read Mike Hendrick's column in today's paper and I disagreed with
most of what he said. At one point he said of Funkhouser,
"He stands his ground on what he sees as important principles."
I believe that if he had known before hand of Semler's involvement
in this controversial organization before he appointed her, then he
could claim the moral high ground of refusing to back off from his
decision. That would mean he went into it with Eyes Wide Open. BUT
since he didn't know, and she didn't tell; his refusal to back down
now strikes me as nothing but Stubborness, not Principle!
I liked Funkhouser before he was elected. I liked he wasn't your typical
"insider". I thought he was going to make a great Mayor
with his fresh attitude and ideas of how Government should NOT work.
Now after some months in office, after numerous gaffes, including
accepting a car from a local car dealer, where he said in his defense,
"Hey, who wouldn't accept a free car?"
Oh man, when I read that, I was astonished at his naiveté or
stupidity, which ever way you choose to interpret that? I'm beginning
to see why "outsiders" don't actually work very well in
politics, because in spite of their good intentions, they simply don't
know what the hell they're doing! If these first few months are any
indication of what's to come, I suspect he and Gloria are going to
be one term Mayors.
And, at this point, I think that would be a good thing!
I know a lot of yua'll like the guy, but I'm having a hard time getting
on the Funkwagon.
Yo! The letter, I submitted is below. Lajean suggests I should revise
it as a result of "given news events".
From: email@example.com To: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject:
RE: Semler Controversy Date: Mon, Oct 22, 2007, 10:55am
X-Brightmail: Message tested, results are inconclusive"I assume
you'll want to revise given news events."
Kansas City Star
From: email@example.com [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Friday, October 19, 2007 1:51 PM
Subject: Semler Controversy
"The way I understand this is that the Mayor appointed Ms. Semler
to her post, unaware of her affiliation with the Minutemen. Once her
association became public and controversial, he has admitted that
he probably wouldn't have appointed her in the first place had he
known about it. But defending his action he asked somewhat incredulously,
"What!? Am I supposed to check the background of every one I
Well, YES Mr. Mayor. That would be the prudent and sensible thing
to do. See, that way you don't get blindsided.
Now though, in spite of the possible negative financial results to
the city, the Mayor says he must stand by his decision on Principle.
Altho it strikes me as identical to the Bush Principle; that is, stick
by your decisions, no matter how wrong they may prove to be, on the
Principle that no matter how bad they are, you won't be swayed by
reason or rationale to change them once you have "decided".
Not exactly the kind of Principle I have any respect for."
2525 Snakes and Snails Blvd. North West,
KC, Moo. United Corps. of Amerka
So...what do You think? What is it I'm supposed to revise? And why??
Am I being pressured here? Is this person using La Raza kinda tactics
on me? Wanting me to change my opinions? What about my principles?
Do I have any? Does anybody reely give a shit? Will you still love
me tomorrow? Will there be Peace in the valley? Will Johnny B. Goode?
Who is the Rama Lama Ding Dong? There are many questions in The Big
City. These are but a few!
October 21, 2007 11:34 PM
Today, amongst th regular spam I get every day fer
sex toys and what not, one of them had my name behind th addy listed
as Wilson Guillermo. I kinda like that cuz I had an uncle who was
named Guillermo Flores. Th next time I find myself usin an alias,
I think I'll lay that on em. In th future, you can jus refer to me
as El Capitano Guillermo.
Aw'right then, enuff of that nonsense, among th others, some one must
think I'm paranoid or somthin, (Who me?) cuz it was fer a emergency
pre-packaged food survival kit, consisting of MREs. (meals ready to
eat) Y'know, like th military uses. Sheeit ese, obviously these peoples
don't know I'm already well prepared fer Armageddon. I'm one step
ahead of th game, y'dig I have at this very moment, a can of tuna,
a package of crackers and TWO bottles of mineral water. Since this
will be th Ultimate battle of Good vs Evil, and since I'm on th side
of Good of course, I fully expect to survive th turmoil. So, in the
words of "Der Leader",
BRING IT ON!
P.S. After th nuclear winter, when th dust settles, Las Cucurachas
and I will emerge from under my kitchen cabinet to begin THE NEW WORLD!
It's jus possible I could wind up bein, "El Rey de Las Cucurachas!"
Well, one can dream, can't they?
Th Mayor's Christmas Tree
October 19, 2007 2:51 PM
I read in Friday's paper where one of KC's oldest
and best known holiday traditions is in serious financial trouble
due to a drop in donations, since th demise of Jerry Cohen, in 2003.
(who I worked for in th late ‘60s)
It's kinda ironic isn't it, because this staunch supporter and long
time champion of this Christian tradition was a Jewish person. Perhaps
th Christian Community needs to reach out to another Jewish person
to help them maintain their Christian tradtions?
It Was A Dark. Rainy And Spooky Nite
October 19, 2007 2:37 AM
Aw'right, Wednesday nite, I was leavin th crib. Been
rainin all day ya'know. I park my cars in th back. It's dark back
there, so I carry my CSI flashlight jus to make sure there's no one
lurkin about. I like to be prepared, knowhutahmsayin. I was holdin
it in my right hand and I had my closed umbrella in my left. Yeah,
yeah, I know it's lame, but umbrellas can be useful somtimes, even
tho they are so very uncool. I'm jus holdin ya to keep this strictly
between us, y'know, cuz like, I don't want th word to get around that
th cap'm uses an umbrella, y'dig! It could cause a radical drop in
Well, any way, while I danced my beam around, checkin fer hooligans
in th mists, Suddenly! Without warning! From outta no where, Man!
WHAP!!!!! and I mean WHAP!!!!!!!
Wow! I ducked as fast as I could. It was incredible, actually, how
fast my reaction was, cuz I've never been know fer my fast reflexes,
but I moved like lightening. I had accidentally hit th "ON"
button on my umbrella!! Man, it startled th shit outta me, I'm tellin
But what was so fookin strange about it tho, was that it never actually
opened. What I mean is; it was kinda quantum mechanical what happened,
y'know whut I mean. Cuz it was closed. Then it was open! But it didn't
go thru an opening stage. It jus happened instantaneously. It went
directly from th "closed" stage to "open" without
any intervening opening takin place. Kinda like th particle and th
wave. Sometimes it's a particle and sometimes it's a wave; but it
doesn't change gradually, it's one and both at th same time. Am I
makin any sense here? Said th Cap'm to th ether?
After that little episode, I went back in th crib fer another toke,
and to ponder on th Mysteries of th Universe. Whew. I'm wonderin if
I should maybe donate my umbrella to Science. Mebbe let some theoretical
physicists study it or somthin.
Or, as another possibility, I was thinkin bout gettin ahold of John
Edwards. Y'know him, he's th dude who raps with peoples on th "other
side". Mebbe he could get in touch with Werner Heisenberg. See
what his take would be on this mystifyin incident?
Be Th Judge!
October 19, 2007 1:31 AM
I was sittin down there in th Plazah windin down
fer th nite and rappin with this dude and he told me that ya could
greatly increase th range of yer automatic car door-lock opener by
placin yer device under yer chin and pointin with yer fingers extended
in th direction of yer ride. He explained that by placin th device
under yer chin yer body amplified th rays and then yer arm focused
them. I said,
"Oh fuckin pshaw! Naw! Yer blowin smoke at me!"
"Naw, reely. Square biz! It works. Try it sometime!"
So, at closin time, as I egressed th premises, my ride was parked
across th street and I usually have to get pretty close before my
doors unlock. I decided to check his claim out. So I stood sideways
and dropped down into a crouch, with my legs extended. Now, I'm not
exactly sure why I felt that stance would be more effective, but it
jus seemed like th thing to do. Any way, I turned sideways and assumed
th stance and put my opener under my chin and pointed my left arm
straight towards my car and punched th button and VOILA, th lights
flashed on th car indicatin th doors were unlocked. I exclaimed rather
loudly in surprise and shock,
"Eureka! It works!"
And at that very moment this young couple turned th corner and caught
me in this rather peculiar position, with my arm extended pointin
off into th nite fer some inexplicable reason, but they didn't look
at me, and silently walked by, lookin straight ahead, but after they
passed, th young chick started gigglin and clutchin her boyfriend's
arm and turned around to look at me, and I jus lamely said,
but of course she hadn't th faintest idea what I was talkin about.
No doubt they jus thought they were lookin at some whacked out loony-tune.
Well, I'm glad I could provide some amusement fer em, even tho they
couldn't appreciate my new discovery.
OK, so th next nite I was down by yer Mike's tavern and I wanted to
share my new found knowledge, so there were a couple of young gurls
sittin there and I told em about it, y'know, like, jus as a public
service, y'dig! Also, jus to let em know old geezers know techilogical
stff too. Th bartender overheard me and he jus started guffawin. I
"I'm not smokin ya dude! It reely works. Here, I'll show ya!"
So we stepped to th front door and my car was parked out by th curb,
and I dropped down into my crouch, extended my arm straight out from
my side and pointed at my car, and he started laffin at me again.
All this chucklin and chortlin at my expense was gettin annoyin, y'know
whut I mean. So, I said,
"Go ahead and laugh dude, it may look weird, but check this out!"
And I zapped my car and th lights flashed, indicatin a successful
test, and I said,
"So, whadda'ya gotta say now, smartass?!"
And without sayin a word, he took my keys outta my hands and turned
his back and pointed it behind him and th lights flashed, and he guffawed
again and said,
"Shit Charley, yer only ten feet away from th car. Whadda'ya
And he turned and went back in th bar shakin his head. Well OK, I
realized he was right. It wasn't reely much of a test.
So, boyz and gurlz, I'll leave it up to you. I suggest ya check it
out fer yerselves. Th next time yer in a parkin lot, like at th mall,
fr'instance, drop into that crouch, point yer arm, and unlock yer
doors from 50 feet away. Peoples around ya will gasp in astonishment
after th gigglin stops.
Hey! Ya know I wouldn't jive ya bout somthin like this!
Why I never Learned To Dance
October 15, 2007 5:30 AM
In th 5th grade I went to Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic
School in Montgomery, Alabama. My dad was in th Air Force and had
jus been transferred to Maxwell AFB there and so I had arrived at
that school in mid-semester. I was "the new kid".
I don't remember exactly, cus fortunately one's mind has a knack fer
suppressin bad memories, but my teacher's name was somthin like Sister
Durin th course of my Catholic education, we had been told that nuns
didn't get married becuz they were, "Brides of Christ".
I couldn't help but thinkin at th time tho that, "Bride of Satan"
woulda been more appropriate in her case. I always had th sorta sacrilegious
thought that as Sister Mary Bubba went thru th bride selection process
that, mebbe as a practical joke or somthin, some one, like mebbe Arch-angel
Mike-L, fr'instance, was tuggin on Jesus's ear and distracted Him
and she slipped right by without Him even noticin. If so, some body
had a perverse sense of Humor.
Sister Mary Bubba was prolly 50 years old. Small, bony and shriveled
up, her right hand was deformed and looked more like a claw. She had
a hump back and she walked stooped over. She looked exactly like a
witch in a nun's habit. She had a narrow, ugly face, with an extremely
pointed chin, complete with hairy mole. Her teeth were yellowed and
snaggled, and when she snarled, which was constantly, she gave you
a good view of em, and it wasn't a pretty site, I'm tellin ya. When
she showed her fangs, it was enuff to righteously disconcert ya. Square
biz! They were bad.
To top off everything, one glazed-over eye looked off in a different
direction than th other one. So ya never knew where she was actually
lookin. She used to warn us that God had made her eyes like that so
she could always see what we were doin. We believed her too. She proved
it often enuff. It was uncanny.
Sister always carried a ruler in her left hand to dispence punishment
with, and she would use it on ya fer th slightest infraction. Sometimes
she would be at th blackboard, and somehow, even tho her back was
to us, she might spot ya outta one of those weird eyes lookin out
th window, or whisperin to some one, and she would come swooshin down
on ya, with her robe billowin behind her, eyes blazin, fangs bared,
and be crackin yer knuckles, before ya even knew what hit ya. She
was never without th Ruler.
It was always clutched in her left hand, jus like Bob Dole always
carries a piece of rolled up paper. I don't have th slightest doubt
she slept with that ruler gripped tightly in her hand. Sheeit, she
was prolly buried with it. She would roam up and down th aisles and
would sometimes crack ya in th back of th head fer a wrong answer.
This made it specially rough on some of th guys who weren't too bright.
They could count on gettin whacked every day.
But fer some reason, gurls were exempt from th Ruler. They were jus
sent to th corner. I often times wanted to point out to her that,
that was blatant sex discrimination, but in 1951 no one knew what
that meant, so I never bothered.
Besides she wasn't th type of person ya could reason with any way.
If ya were foolish enuff to question her, well then, th only thing
ya could do then was kiss yer ass good bye cuz even prayin wasn't
gonna do ya any good.
So any way, every Friday they had been havin square dancin lessons,
so th first week, come Friday, we went out on th playground and I
was introduced to square dancin fer th first time. Now all my classmates
had already been doin this nonsense fer some time, so they all knew
whut they were doin, but I didn't have a clue. I was clueless in Alabama!
Th first time they said,
"Swing yer partner round and round."
Well I did that. Yeah, I flung Rosie Rainwater right off into th bushes!
So she started bawlin, th little cry baby, and before I knew whut
was happenin, Sister Mary Bubba was wailin on my palms with th Ruler.
At first I didn't cry, but then I realized she wasn't gonna stop until
I did, so I let out some sobs, jus to satisfy her bloodlust, y'dig?
I came to dread Friday afternoons cus it always meant I was in fer
a whackin. Besides after swingin several more gurls into th fence
and th bushes, none of th gurls wanted to be my partner any more and
Sister would have to choose my partner. Th "new kid" wasn't
exactly reel popular, know whut I mean. Y'know, most kids in school
looked forward to Fridays, but I hated em! Every Thursday nite, I
used to lye/lay in bed and pray fer rain. This went on fer th rest
of th semester. I wasn't tookeen on dancin after that, to say th least.
By th time I got to th 7th grade, we were on Okinawa and all th kids
were doin th Bunny Hop, I said, "Fuck that shit." and spent
most of my time at th sock hops behind th gym smokin cigarettes with
th rest of th hoody dudes. That seemed to me to be a lot cooler than
swingin my right leg out when everyone else was swingin their left
legs. And then when I would swing my left leg....well ya get th picture.
I danced at my wedding, and mebbe three or four other times, but
thas it. So like, who sez teachers can't leave a lasting impression
on ya!? Huh?
Sheeit Duke, when ya get right down to it, I guess I been pretty much
outta Synch ever since! Thanks Sister Mary Bubba; ya ruined my social
Beth Gottstein, WONDER WOMAN
October 11, 2007 10:27 PM
Fourth District at-large councilbitch Beth Gottstein
wants to ban smoking in th city's bars, restaurants and casinos. Sheeit
ese, besides yer car and yer own home, they're bout th only places
left where ya Can smoke any more. She claims she's received hundreds
of E-mails supporting such a ban.
What th fuck is it with peoples like this anyway? Hasn't she done
enuff? Where does she get off tryin to force a business owner who
decides he wants to allow th patrons of his business to smoke if they
want to, not to allow smokin in his joint? Who in th fuck is she to
tell him how to run his business?
If yer a non-smoker and yer freaked out over second hand smoke, unless
some one sticks a gun to yer head and forces ya to go in his joint,
what's yer bitch? Jes stay th fuck out and ya won't have any problema,
but this woman has made a crusade of this issue.
I think she must see herself as some kinda Joan of Arc of non-smokers.
I'm sure if she had her way she'd make it illegal to smoke in yer
car and yer own home too. And then after that, sheeit, I wouldn't
put it past her to call fer th criminalization of possession of tobacco.
Lock those filthy nic-addicts up. After all, it's fer their own fookin
This self-centered, ego-maniacal, hot doggin, (insert yer own 4 letter
word of choice here) said,
"I've been looking at this for some time...I think this will
actually encourage business."
Ha ha Oh pleeeze, Pleeeze! Godam, give me a fucking break!! Sheeit,
considerin all th business potential, I wonder why this whack job
doesn't open up her own non-smoking bar? I mean, how could she go
wrong with all th peoples clamorin fer such a place? I'll tell ya
why; cuz she and her wait/staff would be sittin around playin checkers
all nite, that is, if somebody could explain th game to em.
In this same article, a bartender at Harry's Country Club, said he
supports th ban. Get this tho, he said he enjoys puffing on a cigar,
but hates leavin work reekin of cigarette smoke. Oh mercy, whine me
a river huh?! Check this jerk, cigar smoke is OK, but,
"I can't stand second hand smoke."
I guess his mantra would be,
Ya know what, cigarettes don't bother me, but I've never met th cigar
smoke yet I could handle, but I would never tell a dude his smoke
was botherin me. The bartender said he is also worried about what
second hand smoke is doin to his health.
Listenin to him snivel bout his smelly clothes and health hazards
would be kinda like a firefighter complainin about th fire and smoke
he has to put up with. Or mebbe a naval pilot tellin ya how night
landings in bad weather sometimes make him shit his pants. That can
be odiferous too, y'know.
Hey, I got a suggestion fer this bartender,
"Hey man, when that dude holdin that pistola to yer head happens
to get distracted, flee away as fast as ya can, and get a gig at th
nearest day-care center, or mebbe th library. You'll be safe there."
But, ya know why he stays at that horrible job, in spite of all his
snivelin? It's not th dude holdin th gun to his head, nah, it's all
that $$$$ he drags outta there every shift. It can be a significant
Oh by th way, I quit smokin three years ago, so I'm not a disgruntled
smoker, y'dig! I'm jus sick and tired of self appointed do-gooders
injectin them selves into my life at every turn. Hey Beth Gottstein,
take care of yer own damn self and leave th rest us th fuck alone!
A letter I wrote to th Star
October 11, 2007 8:37 PM
In Tuesday's edition (9/10/07) you printed an AP
story about Michael Devlin pleading guilty to multiple kidnapping
and sodomy charges. In the last paragraph of the story right directly
across from a photo of the two young victims, you noted,
"While it is the Associated Press' policy not to identify victims
of sexual abuse in most cases and the STAR generally
does not identify them the story of Shawn and Ben has been
widely publicized, and their names are well known."
OK, that explains the name part, but perhaps you could explain what
journalistic purpose was served by publishing their photos yet once
again? I'm curious. Do you think that perhaps the boys and their families
get a kick out of seeing their pictures in the paper? Or maybe you
think we have forgotten what they look like, and so as a reader service
you felt the need to show us once more? What's your policy on that?
A Tale Of Redemption
October 11, 2007 5:15 AM
I read in today's paper where a former cab driver
was arrested fer th murder of a prostitute back in '93. He strangled
her cuz she couldn't pay her fare.
I drove a cab myself fer ten years and I kinda know how he felt, cus
I had many fares I felt like stranglin, but of course I never did.
Altho one nite I did actually try and run over one asshole cuz th
sun-uva-bitch beat me outta a 3.50 fare. Mutherfucker!! Fortunately
fer both of us, he was too fleet of foot, and I missed im. Jus barely.
Later, as I reflected on my actions, feeling guilty, I resolved to
never try and kill any one again fer stiffin me outta a fare, and
so numerous peoples got away with it after that without so much as
But back in '93 when that girl was strangled, she was last seen getting
in a taxi cab and they had a composite drawing of th cab driver posted
all over th cab company. He was a long-haired guy with a goatee and
wore glasses. A number of guys kidded me about th resemblance to me.
When I saw th drawing, I could see why, cuz there was a definite likeness
A couple days later th dispatcher announced over th radio that a detective
wanted to talk to me, so I went down to th po-lice station and they
questioned me fer about an hour and a half and took some Polaroid
pictures of me to pass around and then let me go. I had no idea tho
whether they had dismissed me as a suspect or not. I was pretty paranoid
about it all and wondered if they had a "tail" on me and
was constantly checkin my rear view mirror..
One nite I was over at some friend's crib and we were all drinkin
and gettin jacked up and a gurl there asked me point blank if I had
killed that gurl or not? I found that very annoyin. I told her,
"You know something young lady, you are really irritating me!"
Those of course weren't my exact words, but y'know, like, that was
th gist of what I said. Some peoples formed what ya might call a protective
shield around her and escorted her out th door. I told em that wasn't
really necessary and that I hadn't planned on breakin that wine bottle
over her head, cuz I'm not a very violent person. But she left any
way. Every one agreed she was a party-pooper and a real S-Q-U-A-R-E.
But I could tell she only asked what others wondered.
And becuz they also ran that drawing in th paper, as th days went
on, I began to feel like peoples were makin me fer a gurl strangler
everywhere I went. I would walk into McDonald's and before I even
ordered I would say in a loud voice.
"I didn't do it! It wasn't me! I'm innocent I tell you. I'M INNOCENT!"
And peoples would look at me, y'know, like, I was jus yer ordinary
run-of-th-mill ravin loon. So, I called that detective a few days
later and he told me th guy they were lookin fer drove fer a different
cab company, and they weren't interested in me, and so I relaxed and
eventually forgot about it.
Until today that is!! When I read about this dude's arrest in Colorado,
it all came back to me and I went "Zounds!" All I can say
"See! I TOLD YA SO!"
October 10, 2007 8:48 PM
Some things puzzle me, Y'know whut I mean?! Like,
whas th difference between a violin and a fiddle?
They look exactly alike to me, but th dude who plays in th Philharmonic
would prolly scoff and be insulted if ya said he played th fiddle
there. And th dude in th blue grass band would wonder jus whut in
th hail wuz wrong with yew if ya asked him bout his violin? So, whut's
And hey, Is it,
I have often read reviews of th movie The Wild One with Marlon
Brando. Remember that movie? That was soo cool. I was, like, 14 at
th time. Johnny (Brando) was th jefe of th Black Rebels MC gang and
Chino (Lee Marvin) was th boss of their rivals, check this, th Beetles.
Haha No jive. But any way, a lot of reviewers will quote Johnny as
"Man, we jus wanna whale!"
and they will go on and babble bout how kids at that time didn't even
know what he meant by "whale"; they jus wanted to be like
him and "whale" too. Whut bullshit. We knew exactly whut
he meant and it didn't have nothin to do with "whaling".
Whut he said was,
"Man, we jus wanna WAIL!"
"Wail" not "whale" y'dig? Ya dumb fucks! Y'know,
like, a musician wails, like when ya beat somebody up, ya wailed on
im. Every time I read that, it pisses me off cus th fucker obviously
doesn't know whut th fuck he's talkin about.
And then we have dumb fucks criticizin Obama cuz he wasn't wearin
an Amerkan flag pin on his lapel. Oh th Horror, eh?! How fuckin crazy
can they get with their phoney ass patriotic bullshit? If ya don't
wear a godam flag pin on yer lapel, yer not patriotic? Th fuckin stupidity
of it boggles th mind. Those imbeciles at Fox News will grasp at any
straw, no matter how absurd, to put some body in a bad light. I wonder;
do all Fox News employees wear flag pins? Are they required to, or
they just all super-patriots?
Why don't they jus take those flag pins and pin em on their foreheads
if they wanna show how patriotic they are?
Sheeit. It's disgusting! And confusin! Sometimes I feel like I'm jus
goin round and round, gettin dizzy with th absurdity of it all. Then
I sheepishly realize I AM goin round and round, cuz I'm on th Merry-go-round!!
Or else, as happened recently, I forgot to get out of th revolvin
door. Fer awhile there I thought I was jus havin a bad case of th
Deja Vu, cuz I keep seein th same scenery over and over.
Sheeit, I dunno! It's all jus too confusin sometimes, knowhutImean.
October 10, 2007 6:59 PM
Earlier today I got an email from my buddy, Jimbo,
who told me how, during his stint at South West Missouri State, he
refused th chance at fame and celebrity by not joinin in th effort
to set a world's record for peoples doin th funky chicken. Kudos,
Jimbo. If only others would emulate you in yer restraint!
Remember boyz and gurlz, Just say NO to Guinness's!
This Crap Jus Never Ends
October 9, 2007 5:17 PM
OK, see this week's nonsense bullshit involves 450
high school students playing th largest game of twister to set a new
Guinness's world record, taking th old record away from th Netherlands,
back to THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD where it
belongs. So, we can all walk with our heads a little higher today
thanks to some high school students in Fargo, N.D.
I think Guinness must pay fookin idiots money to go out and do idiotic
things so they can get Guinness's name in th paper once a week.
P.S. If ya ever wonder why our youth are so incredibly stupid; it's
cuz they don't wanna learn anything. They jus spend all their time
tryin to think up some new moronic stunt to get into GBR.
Th Cap'm Keeps On Striving
October 8, 2007 4:14 AM
As my amigo, th Brucester noted elsewhere, I am tryin
to set a world record for th longest, continuing complaint against
th Guinness Book of World Records. As ya may recall, I have told ya
how it's almost impossible to go fer a week without readin some place
about some new goofy, totally stupid world record thas been set. So,
in that respect my quest is no dumber than any of th other aspirants.
OK, this week it seems that a new record was set fer th most skips
a stone could make bein tossed across a body of water. Did'ja miss
that? Yep, this dude claims that his stone skipped 51 times. Or maybe
it was 52. I don't remember for sure. But who reely gives a shit anyway?
I mean, do you care? I sure as fuck don't, but let's jus say it was
in th low 50's, aw'right!
Now, jus in case ya do care, cuz mebbe ya had yer eyes set on breakin
th old record of 41, fugghedaboutit. Th bar has been raised significantly,
eh! Ya better be goin back in training cuz I think ye'll need a bionic
arm to best this new record.
Personally tho, I'm skeptical. I wonder jus how one goes about verifyin
such a feat anyway? I mean, did he have a bunch of peoples there who
counted th skips? Did they employ a high-speed camera? Did he pick
up a stone off th ground or did he employ a specially designed artificial
stone? And if so; wouldn't that be cheating? Did he have to submit
to a drug test? Was he jacked up on meth at th time?
In a few short years, will we have to listen to his tearful public
apology, a la Marion Jones, about his deception and his "bad
decisions"? Will we ever find it in our hearts to forgive him?
A fer myself, if this turns out to be a hoax, I'm not th forgiving
kind. In this Age of Betrayal, how can we trust in anything? And if
we can't trust in th Guinness's Book of World Records, pray tell,
whut th hell can we trust?
Sigh. So many questions, and as usual, so few answers!