Subject: A Mayor We Can Be Proud Of!
Date: Tuesday, November 4, 2008 8:03 PM

Whatever criticisms others may hurl Cowtown's way, no one in these United States has such principled Beings in the Mayor's office as we do. There's no other mayor even close to our Dynamic Due.

When the Meanies on the City Council realized that all their hints, suggestions, beggings, implorings, etc, were not going to force the Mayor to make his Co-Mayor; that would be the lovely Gloria Squitero, his wifey, stay home and mend socks, and stop fussing around in city business, they passed a resolution forbidding unpaid volunteers from working in City offices. Take that Mayors Funkhouser!!

Whew! Talk about raising some one's hackles! The Honorable Mayor didn't like that one bit. No Sireee! He felt it was insulting. He had told them numerous times in the past that she was indispensable to him in running the city. As he told them many times She is the Love of his Life, and Everything he has, he owes to her, and gosh darn it, he can't function without her vast knowledge in running a city. She acquired this experience due to the fact that on a clear day, you can see City Hall from her front porch.

Some of my sources in City Hall tell me that when the Mayor has to go potty, he holds up either one or two fingers, you know, depending, and she then holds his hand while he makes dooty or wee-wee. He says he can't do it without her assistance. He says he is very uncomfortable trying to make poo-poo if Gloria isn't there to advise him through it.

Well anyways, after passing the new ordinance, all the local politicos wondered how the Mayors would handle it? They vowed to fight back. But how?

Very Simple. Since they wouldn't let Gloria come to City Hall, the Mayor decided to let City Hall come to them instead. He now runs the city from his own house. That'll teach them to mess around with the Funkhousers! Ha ha The Man is brilliant huh? Altho many say he is acting like a spoiled little brat throwing a temper tantrum, never the less, if you wish to speak to the mayor now, you must call him at home.

And check this; guess who answers the phone there? Ha ha Yep, Ms. Gloria, that's who! And if you should happen to be one of those who had bad things to say about either of them in the past, well, you're likely to find Ms. Gloria telling you the Mayor is busy at the moment and he will return your call, when he's not so busy. In that case, my advice to you would be; not to hold your breath while waiting.

I guess the next step the City Council must take would be to pass another ordinance; this one making it a requirement that the Mayor show up for work at the designated Mayor's Office, down town at City Hall, you know, where the rest of elected city officials work. But we don't know for sure what their next move will be? The ball is definitely in their court now.

OK, so, if you don't happen to approve of the way the Mayors runs this city, just remember one thing folks, they are the HONORABLE MUTHERFUCKER MAYORS FUNKHOUSER, and You, Me, Us, are just the PEONS!

Is this a World Class City, or what!!

th cap'm

Subject: Important Consumer Tip From th Cap'm
Date: Monday, November 3, 2008 7:43 PM

Hey yo, do you guys recall a few months ago when I told ya bout buyin some new wheels fer th Caddy at AUTOWERKS, 2018 W. 43rd, KCK, and th glowin account I gave ya of my experience there.

Well ferget it!! I was talkin outta my ass. cuz I was bamboozled. Yeah, I got conned. Big Time. I'm hopin none of youse took my words to heart, cus if yer gonna buy ya some wheels fer yer ride, go to this place only if it's th last one left standin..... and then think twice about it. And then, jus say "FUCK IT" and faggedaboutit. You'll be glad ya did!

Ferget what ever promises they make ya, ferget all their con about how important ya are as a customer, ferget what ever guarantees they give ya, cus all that crap don't mean sheeit, as you'll discover when it comes time to pay yer bill. And brutha, lemme tell ya, when ya get that bill, yer in fer a SURPRISE! SURPRISE! And a right mightily unpleasant one it's gonna be too.

I GUARAAANTEE IT!!

Hit me up fer th details if ya want more info. I'll be glad to SHARE! Like, I'm gonna file a complaint with th Better Business Bureau, but SHEEIT, ya'know ese, when ya get fucked over by some unscrupulous outfit, there's not a helluva lot ya can do bout it, cept splutter and blather with Rage and mebbe hip as many other peoples as ya can what they're up to. And ya know what that does fer ya, don'cha? It don't do sheeit!!

OK, so.......remember that place, AUTOWERKS, when yer drivin by 1820 W.43rd, and keep on truckin; don't pause, don't slow down, cuz it's a bummer business, a bummer operation!

My apologies fer th bum steer I gave ya concernin these guys earlier. Really! Like I said, I had my head up my ass! Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa!

th cap'm

Subject: Ode To Oblivion
Date: Friday, October 31, 2008 2:17 PM

Stop! Stop!
Wait! Wait!
I'm Late, I'm Late.
Gotta catch
the Slo-Mo Express
to
NOWHERE!

******************

Yeah, i know, i know. i usually don't go there, but i couldn't help myself.

th cap'm

Subject: Life Drops The Hammer. Once Again!
Date: Friday, October 31, 2008 2:25 AM

My pet turtle, Meghan, ran away from home yesterday. My across-th-street neighbor told me he saw her and Joey (they call him "Joe th Turtle") runnin down th street from 2:30 til 3:45 when they turned east on 51st, from 3:45 til 4:30.

Joey lives next door and he's th neighborhood Lothario. I warned her bout him and his slitherin tongue, but she said they were jus friends.

Th thing is tho; she's a tease and she's Hot.....and she knows it. She's got those big, brown eyes and that cute little tail that she's constantly wigglin around in a provocative manner. I gave her "th talk" recently. y'know, bout safe sex and all, cuz I could see trouble comin.

I told her,

"Friends" sheeit, gurl, he's jus after one thing and you know it!"

But she said I was jus goin by his reputation and that actually he was a very "sensitive" dude, and I jus didn't unnerstan im. Well, ya know how it is; she's 17 years old and y'know how rebellious they are at that age. Everything turns into an argument, with her snappin at me alla time. I try and get her to clean her terrarium and she jus withdraws into a shell and sulks and pouts.

Well things blew up Tuesday nite when I came home unexpectedly early and found em doin th horizontal bop in th middle of th living room. I went off Duke! I asked Joey if he ever heard of "turtle stew" before? Man, his eyes bugged out and he hauled ass outta here likety-split! He was out th front door in twenty minutes!

I told Meghan,

"I warned ya bout him! You silly gurl, whadda ya gonna do if ya get pregnant?

You think yer ready to care fer thousands of eggs?"

But she claimed it didn't matter even if she was, cuz they were, "in love". She said one day they were gonna make it down to Brush Creek, then to th Little Blue, to th Big Muddy and pick up th Mississippi at St. Louie, all th way down to th Gulf, where she wanted to pursue her dream to be an astronaut.

I scoffed in disgust,

"So, ya think ya got it all figured out huh? An astronaut!! Where do ya get these fool notions? Yer a turtle! Turtles don't become astronauts, only humans can do that!!! Ya got about as much chance of becomin an astronaut as Mike th Headless Chicken had of becomin a wide receiver in th NFL!"

And then she accused me of bein a Speciesphobe, sayin that jus cuz we have prehensile thumbs, we HomoSapiens all think we're so special! And she went on to tell me about an e-mail she got awhile back from some asshole named Aesop, where he told her bout a turtle that beat a rabbit in a race, or some such shit, and how she's been trainin to become a sprinter and challenge "Joe th Rabbit" who lives down th street to a foot race. I've been wonderin what she's been doin runnin up and down th driveway this past week?

"Oh Lord. C'mon pleeze! Don't tell me bout some bullshit e-mail ya got! Damn gurl, how many times I gotta tell ya, that 99 % of that bullshit ya read on th Internet is jus that; BULLSHIT! Ya dig! Yer not gonna beat any fookin rabbit in no foot race, y'unnerstan that?!"

And she screamed,

"I hate you! I hate you! You ruin all my dreams!" I said,

"Thas it!! Yer grounded young lady! And if I see that Joey character round here again, we'll be havin turtle-tail soup fer dinner instead of Big Macs. Now go to yer terrarium and I don't wanna hear another word!"

And she left a trail of big, turtle tear drops behind in her wake. I felt kinda bad, y'know, but whadda ya gonna do?

And so... today when I came home from some errands, she had left. I guess it's fer th best, but I'm gonna miss watchin Animal Planet with her and our regular chess games. I know all th young snails in th 'hood are gonna miss th thrill rides she gave em on her back as she raced up and down th driveway trainin fer her foot race with "Joe th Rabbit".

She left a note apologizin and tellin me not to worry; that Joey was gonna take care of her, and that she was happy and all.

Well I sure hope so. I guess it was inevitable but, SIGH! I still can't stop worryin. Did'ju ever have a pet run away too, boyz n gurlz?

th cap'm

P.S. If ya happen to see a couple young turtles crossin th street, give em a wide berth would'ja, or better yet, stop and give em hand. Mebbe somthin to eat. Meghan is partial to Big Macs and fries.

Subject: Decisions
Date: Wednesday, October 29, 2008 1:00 PM

My shaman has ordered/suggested I exercise at least 30 minutes a day, but he doesn't tell me where I'm supposed to get this extra 30 minutes from my, oh so busy schezhule. It's booked full right now. As it is, every day. Matter of fact, I'd like an extra hour or two to put in on th sofa, but sheeit, there jus isn't enuff time fer that either, y'know whut I mean! So, xactly how'm I supposed to find th time to huff and puff fer an extra half hour every day?

OK, well, yeah sure, I can do th puffin part easy enuff, it's that huffin section of th plan that may prove difficult.

And if thas not enuff, check this, then....then he wants me to quit drinkin to live, he sez. Sheeit, I dunno, ya call that living? What kinda life would that be? Why didn't he jus ask me to stop eatin, or breathin? Not to put too much emphasis on it, but it sounds to me kinda like bein dead anyway! Why don't he jus take me out and shoot me! Cuz I've been enjoyin my nightly beers since I was 15. Thas a 51-year-old habit, ya dig! Y'know, they say, “old habits die hard.” Well, fer sure! I might add, "how's bout never!"

How much can one do, I ask ya? What? Am I supposed to watch th Television til 3 every mornin now? Sheeit, I already gave up smoking cigarettes 4 years ago, and had to take up skim milk (ugh) instead of regular. Hey, looky here, I gotta think long and hard on this life alterin plan before I do anything radical. I'm gonna ponder it over some beers this evening, but my gut instinct tells me those folks at Budweiser don't need to curtail production jus yet.

th cap'm

P.S. Imelda Marcos has too many shoes

Subject: Th Origins
Date:Wednesday, October 29, 2008 2:21 AM

Before I was known as Capt. Hoohah I was known as Capt Caulk, cuz when I was workin rehab jobs on th West Side, fer th Westside Housing Authority, I made it a point to caulk every crack I saw. No crack was left uncaulked when I was around. Th Lesbian gurls on th crews were reel wary when I was about. So, they started callin me Capt Caulk, in homage to my specialty.

Sometimes it was jus shortened to CAWLK. But it sounded like CAW, y'know, like a crow would make. Like, I'd be on one side of th house and if some one wanted me, they'd yell out, CAULK! CAULK! and I returned th yell with my own CAW! CAW! so they'd know where I was. Peoples whose cribs we worked on always asked us why we made those crow calls all day long? Ha ha See, my services were in constant demand. When some one saw a crack, I'd be summoned. CAW! CAW!

A couple years later, that nic havin slipped into oblivion by then, I went to a party one nite and when I went in, some one started chantin HOOHAH! HOOHAH! HOOHAH! and then they all chimed in. I dunno why! But after that nite, I became known as Capt Hoohah.

And now, you know! I'll bet that takes a load off yer minds, huh!? Now, ya can finally get that good night's sleep, without all that dope and booze!

th cap'm

Subject: AARRRGGGH! AAAARGH!
Date: Saturday, October 25, 2008 4:37 PM

OK, even tho "Talk Like A Pirate Day" has already come and gone, I'm gonna say it one more time, AAAARRRGH! How much can one person take, I ask ya? I don't spose I have'ta tell ya what happened to me at 6 o'clock this morning? Again! Fer th fourth time in five days!!

See, as I mentioned, not bein a dummy, capable of learnin from my mistakes and adaptin, I transferred my pill stash from th bathroom to my food prep zone, y'know, like, th kitchen! I put em on top of th dishwasher and I put em towards th back, so they wouldn't get in my way, and perhaps be mistakenly tumbled to th floor, y'dig! As th old cliché goes. "Been there; done that".

But, fer th second time in a row, th "Domino Effect" came in to play. In reachin over th top of my bottle of Olive oil I brushed it slightly, but jus enuff to knock it over and also knock one of my pill bottles to th floor. I stood there fer th briefest second as I watched my olive oil spillin all over th floor cuz it jus happened to be un-capped, and in a moment of Rage, I snapped and kicked that fookin pill bottle as hard as I could WHAM! Hey ese, I put my foot into it. It blasted into my cabinet and ricocheted right back at me barely missin my head. I mean, on th basis of that one kick I coulda gotten a job as th kick off dude fer th Chiefs!

Aw'right, I know, mebbe yer thinkin, "Methinks he doth exaggerateth too much!", but ya notice I didn't say I could be an NFL kick off guy; jus mebbe th Chiefs.

Here's th Irony of th whole thing. Th one thing I forgot before I acted so hastily, was that I had gone ahead and put th caps on all my pill bottles jus in case I might accidentally drop em, and th one that hit th floor didn't actually spill anything at th time. It was th fuckin kick that did it. I introduced about 35 pills to all th nether regions of my kitchen floor.

But as ya can imagine, I felt, y'know, kinda foolish when I realized that that mess wouldn't happened if I had taken jus one second and remembered I had capped that bottle. It was all unnecessary! And except fer th olive oil on th floor, it woulda been no big deal! I whirled around quickly to make sure no one had witnessed my momentary lack of control. Whew, th coast was clear, so I jus said, "Fuck It!" and went to bed.

So... I got up around 3ish and went in th kitchen and began th search and rescue mission. Pills all over th joint, th olive oil had slid it's way half way across th kitchen, and I thought, "Why Me?" but then I got pissed and defiant and shook my fist heavenwards and challenged th gods, "C'mon fuckers! Is that all ya got?!"

I'm still waitin fer a reply!

th cap'm

Subject: PIlls! Pills! Everywhere Pills!
Date: Friday, October 24, 2008 4:04 PM

I came back to th crib early Tues. morning pretty drunk and stoned. While I was in th bathroom I accidentally knocked over several bottles of pills on th back of th commode. Curses! They scattered all over th floor. Mebbe 150 of em from five bottles. All over th bathroom floor, y'dig! Sheeit. So, I got down on my hands and knees and slowly gathered em up all, tryin to identify and put each one back in it's proper bottle. Not so easy to do at four in th morn, with eyes and mind goin off in all different directions.

Altho I've dropped th occasional pill on th floor before, I went ahead and took em anyway, figurin, "What th hell, I'll take a chance." But now I had a whole bunch of em contaminated. So, th next day, have experienced th dangers in stashin em on th commode, I put all my pills on a table that sits right in front of th stool where I keep my reading materials. I put em all on top of a stack of books fer easy access.

OK, so I came home in my usual stupor early Wednesday morning, and I'll be damned but if my coat didn't brush up against that book, knockin it and all th pills all over th fookin floor again. I let out an anguished wail, "OH FUCK!" I couldn't believe it. Sheeit. Back down on my hands and knees in Recovery Mode again. I'm thinkin my pills are double contaminated now, but what th hell can I do? We're talkin a couple hundred dollars worth. So I spend twenty minutes, an hour... who knows? Gatherin em all up again. But this time, I came up one short outta a bottle which only had 10 of these very distinctive green gels in it to begin with. I looked all over th floor fer it, but I jus couldn't find it. It jus disappeared! I didn't have time to ponder th mystery and went to bed.

So th next day, reflectin on things, with my pills twice contaminated now in jus two days, I moved th pills off th stack of books and set em on th table top itself, outta bumblin fools way.

Or, so I thought, cus that mornin when I came in th crib, havin learned my lesson, I removed my coat BEFORE I entered th Danger Zone. I took my lid off and sat it on that stack of books and, "Oooooh NOOOOOO" it fell off th edge, knocked over a bottle of silver polish, which then fell into th cluster of pill bottles, knockin em to th floor. Th Domino Effect happenin right in front of my horrified eyes. I jus stood there fer a sec, stationary, completely immobilized, dumbfounded by th Absurdity of it all. I was too paralyzed to even shriek!

So, once again I was on th floor, experiencin a strong sense of Deja Vu. I couldn't help thinkin,

"Gee, this all seems so familiar!"

And here's th reely bizarre thing; ya remember those green gels I told ya about? I only had twelve to begin with, I did two of em. That left me ten. I lost one in Drop # Two, that left me nine. But when I collected all of them, I now had ELEVEN! Now, th question is? Where in th fuck did th extra one come from? I dunno Duke. I'm tellin ya, I got no fuckin idea!

Here's what I do know now tho: alla my fuckin pills have been on my bathroom floor, at least once, some twice and some three times. What can I do? I can't wash em off. I'm wonderin if I could stick em all in th micro-wave? Y'know, like, radiate th shit outta em. Kill those germs all dead. Damn, it's perplexin.
I was tellin a buddy of mine bout all this stuff last nite and he said,

"Sheeit cap'm, why don't ya jus put th caps back on th bottles after ya take yer pills out and that way if ya drop em later they won't spill all over!"

Well, see, fer lotsa peoples that would solve th problema. But what he doesn't realize is; that I am a very busy personage. I jus don't have th time in my tight schezhule to be takin pill bottle caps off and putting em back on three times a day. Y'dig!

So, what I've done is put all my pills on top of th dishwasher in th kitchen (which in reality may not be any less contaminated than th bathroom) and let em fall where they may. So far, this new strategy is workin pretty good, cuz I din't drop nary a thing this morning. I'm hopin that wasn't jus a fluke and I'm cautiously optimistic this new system is gonna be OK. Only time will tell. Let's see if this mornin I can repeat that success? I'm comin in th crib this mornin with my fingers crossed.

th cap'm

Subject: Th Olden Days, Revisited
Date: Friday, October 17, 2008 4:34 AM

I watched an old movie last nite from about '58 I think, called, High School Confidential. Starrin Russ Tamblyn, pre-Westside story, as an undercover cop in th community high school, tryin to get th goods on th mysterious Mr. A. th local drug pusher.

Mamie Van Doren, played Russ's drunken horny slut aunt, and oh man, what a sweater-gurl she was. Oooga-oooga! Today, blond, slut tramps aren't named Mamie tho, are they!? More like, Amber or Megan, or Buffy, but sheeeit, it was th '50s man!

And big-bug-eyed Jan Sterling, Ha ha; ya'd have to be familiar with old '4's and '50s movies to have any idea who she was. She played th kindly, up-right school marm, who took an interest in th new kid, and who Russ was constantly hittin on, in his role as th brash, hot-shot, switch-blade wieldin kid, who took th school over in a matter of days.

And Michael Landon played a jock, who in th end helped bring Mr. A. down, th amoral, thug dope pusher, in th exciting, climatic BIFF, BAM, BOOM fist fight.
It was basically th Hollywood version of Reefer Madness, but with better production values; bigger stars, but th message was th same, jus presented in a slicker mold. Beware th Demon Weed, Marihuana!

And as fuckin funny as it seems today, ya gotta remember th atmosphere of those times. See, like, daddy-o, marijuana was th Scourge that led to Degradation and Madness, and they weren't jokin around either. Ya were constantly bein forced in Social Studies, or Hygiene or some other booshit class to watch yet another dumb-ass movie on th Evils of Narcotics: to wit, Marijuana!

And If ya had seen what happened to some of those innocent teenagers, who got hooked after takin only one puff off a "stick" of Mary Jane, well, ya wouldn't think it so funny. Not only did th, "grass grazers", have to endure their addiction to Mary Jane, but that was jus th first step on their downhill drop to th" hard stuff". Th BIG H. It was as inevitable as th sun comin up. One poor gurl had started out, jus blastin some reefer, y'know, but then of course, inevitably graduated to th hard stuff and pretty soon, she had tracks runnin from her wrists to her shoulder. No jive! Guess no one ever told her to mebbe try shootin under th tongue, or in th corner of th eye, or between th toes, y'know, jus fer a change of pace. Ha ha Oh, it was turrible, I tell ya, and it made ya shudder in revulsion!

Well, fortunately fer that high school, our hero, an undercover copper, played by Russ Tamblyn, was ostensibly a transfer student from a Chicago high school, and infiltrated th local pot ring, run by th mysterious Mr A. who supplied all th high schoolers with all th "joy sticks" they could afford. But, he was a cold, heartless SOB tho, like all drug pushers who prey on th young, cus once he got em hooked on Mary J. they couldn't score unless they had "th gold", ya dig. They found that out th hard way and were forced to steal from their parents and stuff to support their weed habit. Man, it was horrible what they had to go thru if they couldn't get a 'stick' when they really needed one, cuz they got reely sick. Bad! Y'know! Reel bad!

Ok, looky here kids, if any one ever sidles up to you, be on yer guard! Never trust a "sidler." Thas yer first clue somethins not right. Be wary, cuz peoples who "sidle" are always up to no good, y'heah. But if ya are approached by some slimy weasel and he whispers in yer ear,

"Pssst, hey kid, y'wanna get High like a kite?"

Flee! Flee away as fast as ya can boyz n gurlz! Run like th wind. Report im to yer school counselor. Summon th Po-lice. Tell Mr. Johannason at th soda shop. But whatever ya do, find an adult.

Well, in th end, th dope pushers were all apprehended and th school and all th kids were saved. All in all, a great movie, and with an important message fer our youth too. And ya'know somthin, I related to that movie personally, cus jus a year later,1959, down there in Tiajuana, (T-Town) I scored my first joint, sendin me down th road to Depravity and Madness ever since. I was only 17 at th time, and woulda never thought I was in my prime at th time cuz I was naive. I thought I could take whatever was thrown my way, y'dig. But like th kid I was, I didn't know what I was up against. I didn't realize that I was about to trade that "false high" fer my Future. But after that first puff, I knew I was never gonna be El Presidente of Los Estados Unidos, now more commonly known as th United States of Socialist America. (th USSA)

I jus wish there had been some body there, like say, Nancy Reagan, fr'instance, who coulda told me to jus say "No!", but daddy-o, I was,"hep", y'unnerstan. I wasn't no "square"!

And so... I took that first pull off that stick, sendin me tumbling faster than I ever dreamed possible, down, down, down, fer 49 years on a steady slide to my present state of a babblin buffoon. Jus another meaningless stat, jus another casualty, jus another victim of th voracious appetite of Marijuana!!!

Aw'right boyz n gurlz, I'm tellin ya'll this sordid personal aside, as shameful as it is, in th hopes that, if even jus one kid, jus ONE OK, pays attention to this, and turns down that stick of devil-weed, my sacrifice and experience will not have been in vain. (Damn! I've always wanted to say that!)

On th other hand, Viva LaCucuracha!

th cap'm

Subject: Some pretty amusin stuff
Date: Thursday, October 16, 2008 6:00 PM

Thanks Rita. My cuz, from th Great State of Texas, sent this to me. It's pretty damned funny. Only thing missin was that blondie a couple years ago when asked why peoples couldn't read maps and what she would do about it? That was truly priceless.

*********************

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?


Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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" Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

(yeah man, all that death and stuff, what a bummer, huh?! Ha ha)

— Mariah Carey

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" Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

(this is jus soo true, it's not even funny. Ha ha)

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

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" I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

(Winston didn't major in anatomy)

— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

(stats are all in th eye of th beholder, eh?!)

—Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC
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" That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

(ooops)

— A congressional candidate in Texas .

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

(not a math major either)

— Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

(al oughta know, thas his speciality)

— Al Gore, Vice President

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" I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix."

(ya can always count on our man dan fer a good soundbyte)

— Dan Quayle

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" We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

(like, when is too much, too much?)

— Lee Iacocca

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" The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

(or mebbe albert rockwell?)

— Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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" We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

(it's called th exclusionary principle)

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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" Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

(otherwise, RIP)

— Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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" Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

(it's an old australian tradition)

— Keppel Enderbery

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" 'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

(i'd rather jus wake up with a hangover, cuz i never remember my dreams when i wake up dead)

— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

stuff like this always boosts my self-esteem a bit, y'know what i mean!

th cap'm

Subject: Prayer Warriors, Unite!
Date: Thursday, October 16, 2008 5:21 PM

OK, ya'll a good friend sent this my way. I'm passin it on hopin it will remind ya that Evil roams th Earth! And it's name is Muhammad Barack Hussein Osama Obama, aka "Th Devil Incarnate". Please do yer part in defeatin this wicked Being, who routinely eats Christian babies fer breakfast.

Now, I gotta admit, I interjected a bit of personal comment here and there. I leave it to youse to determine, where?

****************
Some food for thought and reason for action

GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME...Ya got that? This is a full time God, no part timers needed

I was very dismayed when, recently, a family member of mine said to me with great resignation that Obama will take the presidency. Th Horror! Th Horror! These words came from someone who in the past has been a great prayer warrior. Th slacker. What is happening was my question??? Good question Ace! I ask myself th same thing alla time.

Why are we Christians settling and not issuing a battle cry and falling to our knees. Arthritis perhaps? and taking our country back?

We allow ourselves to be stripped of the right to pray at school functions and in school, cuz our brains are too small to pray privately and silently in our heads;

we have the 10 commandments removed from government places cuz there's no need to remind our politicians of those kinda unpleasant things and are told we cannot pray in school, cuz again, as I already pointed out, our brains, and especially our youthful brains, jus can't handle it and all the while providing public prayer places for Muslims; but where are these places ya ask? I dunno.

What in the world is going on and why are we being apathetic? Another good question: that. Once again, I dunno, but who cares? Why aren't we? HUH?

Our God is a mighty God who is waiting patiently, but according to th ancient Chinese Philosopher, "All things come to th Patient Man" so, no problema eh, for us to raise our voices to heaven,

"HEY! HOLD IT DOWN, OK! SOME OF US ARE TRYIN TO SLEEP HERE, YA DIG!"

to stop the tide, yeah right, stop th tide!? good luck with that, of the anti-Christ actions in our world today. Now we find we have a charismatic candidate for president who does not respect our flag and refuses to wear one on his lapel except when it becomes politically expedient and whose own wife and pastor that he loves, profess to have strong anti-white feelings, uppity darkies both of em, and we sit back and say 'it is a given, we can do nothing.' Notheeeng! But, oh wait.

There has never been a time in 2,000 years that we can do nothing, never a time that we must sit back and allow the evil in men's and women's hearts, booshit señor, gurls don't do Evil, well cept mebbe that 'mad dog palin' gurl, to take over our world. We should be very afraid, be very afraid, y'heah, because our apathy is leading us to perdition. When ya come to a fork, hang a left for th road to Perdition.

It is time for all Christian Americans to raise the battle cry, HIP HIP HOORAY! REMEMBER TH ALAMO, TIPPECANOE; AND TYLER TOO! etc. etc. and take our nation back. Maybe McCain on his own cannot defeat Obama, but our God can, you betcha, and if ya can get God on yer side, ya don't need no steenking Supreme Court, ya dig, and He will if we take to our knees, gracefully that is; no ploppin, it's unseemly, in prayer and raise a mighty cry to the heavens to 'Save us O Lord.' We have the power to change the course of this election and to keep a man as suspect as Barak Obama from leading our country to who knows where, Perdition, perhaps, with his message of "change" - a change which I fear will be away from our Christian ideals and away from Christ and further away from one nation under God to one nation under Allah. Won't be long before alla our coins say,"IN ALLAH WE TRUST". Allah willin of course.

We are great at passing stories and pictures, and who amongst us don't like a good pitcher or story, around the Internet, but where are our prayers and prayer warriors, aw'right prayer Warriors, this is yer cue, praying to stop this tide of Barak Obama? God parted the red sea, Jesus raised himself from the dead, and Jack n Jill ran up th hill and we can bring our country back to its Christian roots and stop the move to the rise of Muslims in our country, as has happened in Europe.

We can stop our country from being 'under Allah, but we must begin to pray, to pray as if our country and our lives depended on it, because they do. PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! BAR-BAR-BAR--- BARBARA ANN, OH WON'T YOU PRAAAAY! We can stop all these atrocities against God's commands that have taken root in our country through something as simple as sincere prayer, a call to God to deliver us, to forgive us our sins of apathy and to protect us from the evil, See: OBAMA, that is upon us.

Okay prayer warriors, here is your challenge, start those prayer chains. C'MON, hit those "send" buttons, whas a little more spam in a world drownin in it? Get the spiritual power working on our behalf and stop Barack Obama the proper way, that means no more name callin, by calling on our God, "Hey YO, God! Sup!" to save us from the deception that charismatic preaching is using to lead us on the wrong path. Remember, hang a left at th fork.

Stop those who would take God out of our country and our government. Raise up good men to lead us and protect us. George Bush is being buffeted because he has fought a holy war against the evils, (See: OBAMA) that attack us and we should not be surprised because a prophet, a Prophet no less, haha is not honored in his own country. But we should not rest on our laurels, what fookin laurels, ya quite properly ask and allow ourselves to be taken further off the path, (See: Road To Perdition) of Christianity and to have God removed from our presence in our schools, courts, government and businesses. Invite God into the fray. (RSVP)

Ask that His power rest upon us, OOOOF! Hey, no sweat, he ain't heavy, he's my god, and give us the victory. Ask him to raise up a mighty army, UH OH, that draft thing again, to defend us and to protect our country as he did in days of old. Sometimes known as th olden days of yore. Let us be victorious beginning NOW. Aw'right, ya got that! No more procrastinatin! The battle is His but we must call on Him without ceasing and unite our voices, but, pleeeze, not before noon, ok, and hearts in prayer and fasting. That means no more Beeg Macs ese.

Please pass this around to all people of prayer that you know and maybe, just maybe a more eloquent person of prayer will write something better and more inspiring and even the rocks will shout, FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW and that Jesus is Lord and our Mighty God is with us, with some assistance from Mighty Mouse, bringing the victory for us and ultimately for Him. HUZZAH!! VICTORY! VICTORY! VICTORY!

******************

Inspirational? You betcha! Aw'right, Prayer Warriors; Do Yer thing!

Otherwise, it looks like th Forces of EVIL; that would be th aforementioned Obama and th Dems, are gonna send us and th Amerikan Way Of Life all straight to HADES!

th cap'm

Subject: Th Govt. Steps In!
Date: Tuesday, October 14, 2008 8:42 PM

Y'know, I'm thinkin that our unfettered Capitalistic System which we've always touted as th best financial system in th world (well of course, what else would ya expect from THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD) may be on it's last legs, and frankly I don't think that's a such a bad thing.

As an example of jus how great it is, we've always liked to brag about how we have th most billionaires of any country, as tho that is a measure of success. To me it jus shows how fucked up our system is; where ya have homeless peoples living under th bridge, while hundreds of th elite amass fortunes of millions and billions. Fuck that!

It used to be that CEO's made 50 times as much as their lowest paid workers; today it's close to 500 times th amount. Fuck that!

So...what does it tell ya about our vaunted Capitalistic System when ya gotta employ a Socialist Agenda to keep th entire economy from a catastrophic collapse? Hmmm? Seems to me like somthin must be wrong there. So, how did our Free Market, Unfettered-By-Regulations Capitalistic System fail so spectacularly, if it was so fukin great?

Huh? No body reely knows! And since they don't know exactly what went wrong with it, they don't reely have a clue as to how to fix it. All they can agree on is; that YOU are goin to have to pay fer it! Well, not jus YOU, but YOUR KIDS and YOUR GRANDKIDS too! Dammit! That'll teach ya to be more careful.

I know, everybody laffs bout th French and their Socialist system, and how they've only managed to produce 4 Billionaires to our 400+, but on th other hand, th common, ordinary French worker gets a six week vacation every year fer a 7 hour work day! Every one has health care and get 6 month maternity leaves! Other than our Billionaires and Millionaires, there's godam few peoples in THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD who get six weeks off each year. How's bout you? How many vacation days you get off after how many years with yer company?

How many peoples get laid off every year after puttin in almost their life times, cus their company has moved their operation to another country where they pay em shit wages and aren't bound by silly regulations about numbers of hours worked, minimum ages fer their employees, where they have 12 y/o kids workin? And all this, so th owners and stock holders who are already rich, can become millionaires and billionaires! Don't it make ya proud and give ya a lump in yer throat to know th Frenchies can't do that. Sheeit. Under their crummy system, they only got FOUR billionaires! Ha ha

Hey, do ya think fer one sec, those muthafuckers on Wall Street, who jus three weeks ago, woulda sneered at th very idea of Socialism; they woulda said,

"Hey, no body gave me nothing You understand! I worked hard for every penny of my Five Billions. Shoot, I had to move factory after factory and fire 25 000 slackers just to get my fifth Bil! You think that's easy? It's hard work. If you don't believe me, ask the President, he'll tell you, it's hard work!"

But now.....now, di'ja hear jus One of em say,

"Oh no! No thanks. No money fer me please. I'm a Capitalist. I don't believe in the Government messing with the Free Market System. I took the risks, made my millions, now I'm leaving with a 80 million dollar severence package. That's just the breaks,"

Well, as I say, Fuck That! Gimme me somma that Billionaire money! Gimme some health insurance! Fix th sidewalk in front of my crib. Fix th potholes in my street. Fix my bridge so it doesn't fall down. Give our kids some decent schools.

FUCK THOSE MUTHERFUCKERS!!!

th cap'm

Subject: Where Did This Thing Come From?
Date: Tuesday, October 14, 2008 4:46 PM

How bout our gurl Sarah, huh? She's a trip, isn't she!! A seemingly endless source of amusement. Just one absurdity after another, on and on and on.

Like, fr'instance her latest! In response to th conclusion of th investigation lookin into her interference in tryin to get her brother-in-law fired; that she had violated a statute of th Ethics code, Sarah said, paraphrasin,

"I was found innocent of any wrong doing abd I feel vidicated."

The sheer, unfathomable stupidity/audacity of that response just boggles th mind. If that Moron of Morons was bein strapped into th electric chair, Sarah's last words would be,

"Now that I've been vindicated......"

She obviously inherits a different Reality than th rest of us! Sheeit, she leaves even us dopers, who are used to bizarre kinds of perceptions, with our mouths hangin open in amazement. Or, mebbe, is Sarah proof that there are aliens amongst us, but they still haven't got the hang of it?

Oh Sidney boy, yer gonna be remembered fer this choice fer a long time. Th McCain mind in action. Yer judgement is about as cloudy as a ragin thunder storm!! Peoples are gonna be examinin this move of yers, askin themselves,

"Whut in th hail was he thinkin?"

th cap'm

Subject: Brainiac: John Sidney McCain the lll
Date: Monday, October 13, 2008 5:18 AM

Did'ja know that, while Barack Obama earned his way to a scholarship at Harvard on his own scholastic merit, Sidney was only admitted to Annapolis becus of his father's merit.

Did'ja know that, our man JSM th lll graduated 5th from th bottom of his class. Yep! Outta 799 cadets, our Sidney brought up th rear at 794th!! Not exactly a stellar academic record, eh.

Did'ja know that, th only reason he was even allowed to graduate at all, was becuz ya don't wash out th son of a four-star Admiral from th Naval Academy, ya'dig! That jus doesn't happen. Ya better believe that, in th military, rank has its privileges!

So th next time yer tryin to figure out jus what in th hell he's thinkin, and where does he get these fool notions, like, fr'instance, pickin Sarah Palin to be his running mate, ya might keep that in mind. Th fact of th matter is: th man is not too bright, and Sarah fits right in his scheme, cus he didn't want some one smarter than hisself! It's bad enuff he's gotta have that nit-wit Joe Lieberman standin behind him, on alert at all times, ready to try and pry his foot outta his mouth!

th cap'm

Subject: Payback Time
Date: Monday, October 13, 2008 4:41 AM

I read in th Star where a former cab driver was convicted fer scammin an elderly man out of 657,000 dollars. Th driver had befriended him and ingratiated hisself into th old man's life, eventually takin over his finances. Damn! A lost opportunity I spose, cuz I used to be that guy's driver myself. But, I couldn't put up with his imperious, smug, superior attitudes and told im to take a hike one day.

I had just picked him up at th resturant where I took im daily, and he noticed some black peoples throwin a frisbee in th park. He started rantin, once again, ad naueseum, bout th riff-raff they let in th Plaza these days, and what a disgrace it was. Talkin bout how they had ruined a genteel place. How they ought to be run out. Throwin a frisbee in th park, like it was some kinda playground! Had no respect fer anything. How back in th old days, "N-----s" knew their place and if they even dared come into respectable places like th Plaza, they were taken care of.

I had heard this kinda racist shit from him many times before. Didn't matter who it was, black, Asian, Hispanic, what ever, but specially, th Jews. and man, he could work himself into a frenzy over International Jewery! In any case, if ya weren't white, you were trash in his book. But sheeit, even if you were white, if you were what he called "white trash" ya weren't a helluva lot better than th rest of em. He had even made disparagin remarks about cab drivers in my presence, completely ignorin th fact I was one myself.

So, I was aware of his "worldview", but he paid very well in spite of the fact I was riff-raff too. And he had hinted several times, if I played my cards right, I could do very well by him. I never knew exactly what he meant by that, tho I had my suspicions. But fer some reason, that day, I got fed up and just decided I'd had enuff of his shit. Our discussion of all peoples, not white, got heated and I told im,

"Fuck you and yer Uber-Superior Attitude, ya fucking Asshole!"

I threw that "Uber" in there cuz he was always talkin bout how th Germans had th right idea, and had given me several books to read in th past about Germany durin th rise-to-power years of Hitler, cuz he said I was intelligent enuff to comprehend em.

Well anyway, I told im to Fuck Off and to find hisself a new driver. And so, he did. And th dude ripped im off fer 657,000 bucks! haha Sheeit, if I'd been jus a little more tolerant of his Intolerance, and a bit more sneaky, I coulda taken im myself. Yeah, I know, it woulda been wrong, but it's hard to feel much sympathy towards a bigoted snake like he was. This old coot deserved it as far as I'm concerned.

I mean, how bad could ya reely feel, if ya ripped off an Investment Banker, or say, th CEO of Lehman Bros. y'know what I mean? Somebody who made their fortune at th expense of thousands of workin class peoples. Fer me, not so bad!!!

th cap'm

P.S. The scammer cab driver was convicted and ordered to pay restitution to his estate. BFD! By th way, ya know any Investment bankers?

Subject: Who Ya Gonna Vote Fer?
Date: Saturday, October 11, 2008 7:01 PM

Remember to cast yer ballot on Nov. 4th. An if yer not satisfied with th choices ya have, lemme make a suggestion; here is a candidate fer "th Peoples". Check him out!

http://www.tsgnet.com/pres.php?id=46832&altf=Dbqu4&altl=Ippibi

th cap'm

Subject: Th Power Of Faith.
Date: Friday, October 10, 2008 4:06 AM

Wow! I jus saw th most incredible thing right here on th TeeVee! Hallelujah.

There was this poor woman whose right laig was 1 1/2 inches shorter than her left laig, and she had been in constant pain fer over 20 years. And so th Preacher-Man had her sit in a chair with her laigs extended and he held em in his hands by th ankles and prayed some words over em; I couldn't understand th words, cus, like, he was speakin in tongues, but GAAAAD obviously understood im cuz, I'll be damned, (scuuuse me) but if her laig didn't grow out an inch and a half right there on th TeeVee.

Well, ya coudn't see it actually growin, cus there was a printed message on th bottom of th screen where ya could purchase one his his majik prayer cloths and so it obscured th view of th laig growin, but th crowd gathered round saw it and went "Ooooooh" and I heard some "Amens" and other Praise-kinda-stuff like that.

Not only did her laig grow back out, cuz she stood up and waved her arms in th air and did a little jig but he made th Pain All Gone too. Yup, Praise th Lord, th pain which had been troublin her fer th past twenty years was completely gone. It was a Miracle! And I saw it, sorta, with my own two eyes!

I thought bout writin th Preacher-Dude and tellin im he oughta wait til after th laig grew out before puttin his message of Hope on th screen, so those of us Faithful out there in TeeVee Land could see it growin too. Not tryin to be a nit-picker or nuthin, y'unnerstan, jus a suggestion to how he can better get his message across. Miracles like this don't happen every day, y'dig, and those of us at home would like to see em too, so we could testify and stuff. Better!

Faith chirrun, thas what it's all about. Not th hokey-pokey, but with FAITH, and twenty bucks, you can have yer very own Miracle.

Call today fer yer Miracle! And, oh yeah, don't ferget th twenty, OK!

th cap'm

Subject: Pick On Some One Yer Own Size
Date: Friday, October 10, 2008 1:38 AM

Ok, ya'll, here's my latest "letter to the editor". However, since they just published one a couple weeks ago, this one prolly won't make th cut, but, oh well......

And, as I tried to point out, in all fairness to th execs at AIG; who amongst us hasn't participated in drivin a muti-billion business into th ground. Huh? Who? OK, so.....Let he who is without, cast th first molotov!

****************************

Stop Picking On The Rich.

"Every time some little thing goes wrong, people always look for a scapegoat; usually the rich. Like, fr'instance, all the brouhaha over the little trip the top 100 executives of AIG took recently to relax, after what had been understandably, a trying few weeks. Thankfully, the mechanics, food service workers, taxi drivers, etc. are going to fork over 88 billion dollars to help these poor unfortunates go on with their lives.

I mean, heck, how would you feel, if only because of a few mistakes here and there, you had driven the largest insurance company in the country into bankruptcy? Wouldn't you want some manicures, massages and toe make-overs too? And all it cost was a crummy half-million bucks and it all came out of the petty cash drawer. So, what's the big deal?

Sure, we're all going to have to make some sacrifices, but it takes a little while to adjust to that Reality. Let's not insist these down trodden souls go "cold turkey". Let's give them a chance to gradually get used to giving up some of the necessities of life. C'mon, give 'em a break!"

So...th next time you see some shiftless bum standin on th corner in his rags, bummin money, tell im to Get A Job as an exec at a large insurance company. See how he likes that!?

th cap'm

Subject: Dumb Dumb Dumb, Dumb Dumb McCain
Date: Thursday, October 9, 2008 5:30 PM

Of all th ridiculous charges McCain has hurled O'Bama's way, (see he's Irish, not Muslim) one of th stupidest ones is that he is an "Elitist". A stunnin charge comin from John S. McCan!

Obama grew up under very modest circumstances. At one time his mother was gettin food stamps to help feed th family, altho he was largely raised by his grandmother. He was given a scholarship, which he earned by his own merit. Ditto his only wife.

John Sidney McCain, the Third, (how's that fer a regular, ordinary Joe-Six pack name?) on th other hand, came from an elite Naval family. His father was a famous WWII Four Star Admiral, as was his grandfather also. Th McCain name was well know in th upper branches of th military aristocracy. He grew up enjoyin all th privileges his father's rank conferred on im, and havin come from a military family myself, I can tell ya, bein familiar with th peckin order dependents must also go thru, he woulda held himself above th ordinary kids who's dads were mere captains and majors. Let's don't even bother to talk bout th riff-raff enlisted kid's dads. I've known a few kids whose dads were generals, and with th exception of one of em, they were all spoiled brat pricks!! Their status allowed em to get away with any damned thing they wanted. (I was jealous cus I didn't have that kinda clout. I was taken to task fer every one of my fuck-ups. Ha ha)

Becuz, and only becuz of his dad and grandad's legacy, he was admitted to th Naval Academy. He was in constant trouble there. Th only reason he wasn't expelled a couple of times was becuz of Daddy's intervention. (see above)
Then, coming back from Vietnam, he divorced his childhood sweetheart, to take advantage of his new celebrity status, and married an heiress to a beer fortune. This is th same wife who had been patiently and loyally awaitin his repatriation (welcome home John) and who had been critically injured and disfigured in an accident, but, sorry old gurl, she didn't fit in with th new John McCain. So much fer Principles of Commitment, eh! Today, th fucker doesn't even know how many homes he owns! Yep, jus yer average Joe, compared to that damned "elitist" Barack Obama.

Disgusted!

th cap'm

P.S. Remember when McLame was chiding Obama as nothin more than a celeb like Paris Hilton? And so who, my friends, does th Honorable John McCain, Country-First-Candidate, pick to help him lead th GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD? A dumb, but good lookin twat from Alaaaaska, who can't distinguish her ass from her elbow, thas who!! Great choice John. A grateful Nation Salutes ya! When we can stop laffin, that is!

Subject: OK, Back Away And Step Off
Date: Wednesday, October 8, 2008 5:18 PM

Man, I simply can't understand this soft, understated response of th Dems to this Sarah Palin Bitch, and I mean th word, "bitch", in th worst possible way. I would rather use th C-word, but in deference to my female friends, I'll desist, but I want ya to know, it's there in my head.

How they can let this imbecile stand up there and make her outrageous remarks about Obama and his "terrorists" ties, without pointin out her own, and John McCain's vulnerabilities, is beyond me. And of course, bein th moron that she is, she is only doin John McCain's bidding. Th very notion that some one would suggest that a person who has been nominated to th Presidency, is a terrorist is beyond th pale. If we were back in th early '50s Joe McCarthy would be callin Obama a Communist!

But in today's climate of Fear, th Smear Word is, "Terrorist". But th McCain Campaign doesn't let little things like "ethics" stop em. (ya ever happen to notice th similarity of McCain/McCarthy, hmmm. Seems kinda suspicious to me) I think th Dems oughta question whether John McCain is a NAZI? I know, I know, there's not one whit of evidence he is, I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not sayin he is, y'know, cuz, as far as I know, he isn't, OK!! But still.....

Sarah rants about his "pallin" around with, "a terrorist, who would attack his own country". I wonder: does she not ever see th Hypocrisy of that, considerin she's been pallin around with a wingnut, while she was th mayor of Wassila, who as little as six years ago, advocated that "up there in Alaaaaska", they secede from this United States she proclaims to love so much! Her pal, bein her goofy husband! Yep! This idiot just seems oblivious to th Irony of that. And th vitriol of that organization's leader easily matches that of Jeremy Wright. This is a guy who said,

"I am not an American! I am an Alaskan! Damn America and it's Institutions!!"

This was th leader of her pal/husband! A great patriot!

And while lambastin Obama's former pastor, her own pastor's claim to fame is that he not only identified a witch (yeah, thas right: a witch Ha ha) back there in Africa, he had her run outta th village where she lived. Praise Jaaysus! Th dude woulda been right at home in Salem a few hundred years ago, eh. And there's a reel nice video too, of th Pastor, layin on his hands and exorcisin any Demons who might get a hankerin fer little Sarah's soul.

"Back off you Demons! Leave Sarah alone, y'heah! I mean it!!!"

Our Miss Sarah is "also" th "family values" mom who advocates teaching 'abstinence only' sex education. Th amusin thing is tho; her own under-age teen daughter is pregnant out of wedlock. Hmmm, I guess Mommy's own home schoolin in that field didn't work out so well, eh!

She is also th object of a state investigation on abuse of power, in that she used th power of her office to have her her former brother-in-law fired. When th guy's boss refused to fire him, she got HIM fired! Doggonit, she is th Governor! You betcha! We want some one like that fer VP, don't we!! Who knows how to administer!

And then, there's th matter of her chargin th state of Alaaaska to sleep in her own home. Hey, jus one of th little perks of standin up against wasteful spendin. Whut th hell! Everybody does it.

But ya don't hear much bout any of these little gaffes of Sarah and John. Keith Olberman seems to be th only one who ever points em out. Fr'instance, he recently pointed out that in one of McCain's rants against pork barrel spendin, McCain cited a 4 million dollar study of some mating habits of a bird, or somthin like that, as a good example of how outta control it was, and how he was gonna stop it. Obviously, he had forgotten that he himself had voted fer it. Ooops, wrong example. Ha ha

Dammit, altho I'm not exactly Vice Presidential material, (Waste Disposal Engineer mebbe bein more apropos) I wish they woulda let me debate Sarah. I woulda had that gurl runnin off th stage in tears!!

th cap'm

P.S. Ya ever watch Bill O'Reilly? He seems to have some kinda obsession with A. Hitler. Hardly a week goes by, it seems, that he doesn't make some kind of comparison of some one to Hitler, immediately followed by a disclaimer, that he didn't mean to compare em to Hitler. He'll say somthin like,
"Adolf Hitler loved cabbage! Joe-Six Pack likes cabbage. Now, I'm not comparin Joe to Hitler, Ok, cus otherwise th left-wing media will get all over me, I'm jus sayin...."

Subject: What Will Tomorrow Bring? Sunshine, Or A Tornado?
Date: Tuesday, October 7, 2008 11:59 PM

I'll admit, I'm not an Economics expert. No...reely, I'm not!! As a matter of fact, it's all just a bunch of esoteric theories beyond my ken. And besides that, there's always a bunch of numbers and stuff one has to deal with and decypher. So...I'm easily confused.

Like, before this past summer, as th traveling season approached, gas prices steadily increased, eventually risin to over four dollars a gallon. All summer long. And th prospect of ever seein cheap gas evaporated from our thoughts, like a puddle of vodka on a blisterin summer afternoon.

But now that summer's over, gas prices have fallen below three dollars a gallon. But they have also fallen almost simultaneously while we are entering th most dangerous financial situation since th Great Depression. Is this mere co-incidence? Or is it intentional?

It's hard I think, fer th common citizen to realize how dire things are, when gas has dropped 25% in a matter of weeks. Do th shadowy peoples who run this world manipulate these kinda things to keep us complacent? Cuz every one needs gas, but if it's cheap, then we figure, "how bad could things be"? Funny, how we can now think of three dollar gas as bein cheap, eh? But thas how they do us. They use smoke and mirrors and fiddle around with our perspective. They tell us everything is goin to shit; but we can't see it thru th fog, so we bumble along to th precipice, oblivious to th comin plunge.

Are there sinister forces at work here? Is it a sinister plot? Is th jabberwocky singin outside my window real, or is it Memorex? Am I just paranoid? Or, is it jus th way of th world?

In other words, what does it all mean? We know Mr. Natural always sez,

"It don't mean sheeit!"

And, altho I have always embraced Mr. N's opinions and philosophy, but this time, I dunno. I'm confused and have my doubts. I've been observin th crow's behavior very closely thru my binoculars, but I'm gettin mixed signals there.

Outwardly, they seemed normal, but I did sense an undercurrent of tension, jus below th surface. Somthins not right, but I can't put my finger on it. It's vexing bein a Seer without any answers, only questions, y'know whut I mean! I spose we'll jus havta see how it all plays out, eh?!

th cap'm

Subject: NO CITGO AND NO PETRO EXPRESS BOTH OWNED BY HUGO CHAVEZ OF VENEZUELA
Date: Tuesday, October 7, 2008 7:14 PM

I received this earlier, fer, oh, about th 20th time in th last few years. this is important. see how th cap'm views this dire situation. read it and weep, as they say.

********************

Citgo is changing

In ORLANDO LAST WEEK, AT A CITGO STATION REGULAR WAS PRICED AT $3.82 PER GALLON. THERE WERE NO CUSTOMERS. HOWEVER, ACROSS THE STREET WHERE I FUELED, GAS WAS SELLING FOR $3.85 PER GALLON AND ALL PUMPS THERE HAD CARS WAITING TO FUEL.

Have you noticed how the Citgo signs have disappeared in the past 7-8 months? Very clever move by Chavez. (th sneaky bastard. cd) But guess what CITGO IS CHANGING ITS NAME TO? This is serious Americans...make sure you read.

NEWS FLASH:

Chavez is NOW getting a Russian Weapons Factory built by Putin. The RUSSIANS are building an AK-47 Kalashnikov Assault Rifle factory in Venezuela to give armament support to Communist Rebel groups throughout the Americas.

(Ha ha, why in th fuck woud anybody bother to build an AK-47 Riflefactory, since th AK-47 is th most widely produced assault rifle in th world. They were first made in 1949. Building another factory for them is about th equivelent of th Venezueleans building a tortilla factory to feed rebel groups thru out th Americas. cd)

Chavez NOW has IRANIANS operating his oil refineries in Venezuela for him. It is likely only a matter of time, if not already, before Chavez has Iranian built LONG RANGE missiles, with a variety of warhead types aimed at.... Guess Who?

(you and me, that's who!! ooooh th iranian missle crisis looms! Once again, a hearty chortle is in order. cd)

CITGO is NOW in the process of Changing its name to PETRO EXPRESS due to the loss of gasoline sales in the USA due to the recent publicity of ownership by Chavez of Venezuela

Every dollar you spend with CITGO or PETRO EXPRESS gasoline will be used against you, your basic human rights, and your freedoms. He will start wars here in the Americas that will probably be the death of millions.

(yes, Millions and millions will die and probably including you. and if you survive, you will be enslaved, and wished you'd died. it will make WWll look like an easter egg hunt. the americas will erupt in total war. death and destruction await the do-nothings. cd)

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT because Chavez is starting to feel the loss of revenue from his holdings. HE OWNS CITGO. This is a very important move which everyone should be aware of.

(they currently produce about 14% of all our imported oil. if they stopped selling us their oil, it would cause chaos here and the Chinese would be glad to buy every single drop of oil he can produce. but that's irrelevant, eh! cd)

'PETRO EXPRESS' IS ALSO 100% OWNED BY 'CHAVEZ.'
KEEP THIS MEMO GOING SO THAT EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING.

BOYCOTT 'CITGO' AND 'PETRO EXPRESS'.
MAKE SURE THIS IS PASSED ON TO EVERYONE IN YOUR E-MAIL LIST IN THE UNITED STATES AND OUTSIDE OF AMERICA.

(ok, be sure and pass this on to every one you possibly can. failure to do so will result in future generations losing their freedoms and livin lives of utter misery and slavery. is that what you want for the future? aw'right then, send it on because it is vitally important and, oh yeah, gimme a side of fries with that. have a nice day. th cap'm)

Subject: Another Of Life's Mysteries
Date: Tuesday, October 7, 2008 4:42 AM

OK, ya'll, my good buddy, 'th Crupster' sent this to me. I have no idea what it is, cuz, like a lotta things I get, due to th primitive nature of my system, I can't access it. He sez I would get a kick outta it. He tells me to go ahead and send it on. So..thas what I'm doin. Some one lemme know what it's all about? My curiosity has been whetted.

th cap'm

*******************

Hi,

There's an effort to elect an unknown random person as President... and it's someone we know! Watch this online video about the surprising new nominee:
http://www.tsgnet.com/pres.php?id=46832&altf=Dbqu4&altl=Ippibi

Subject: Will The Real John McCain Stand Up?
Date: Monday, October 6, 2008 1:13 PM

A good buddy, Texas Pat, sent this to me. I believe it is from Rolling Stone mag. I was a bit confused by th date tho. Besides bein a writer, I guess th guy is a time traveler too, cuz that date had me double checkin my calendar. An excellent article; this is part one of ten. check it out.

******************

Subject: McCain, Part I
Rollingstone.com

Make-Believe Maverick

A closer look at the life and career of John McCain reveals a disturbing record of recklessness and dishonesty

TIM DICKINSON
Posted Oct 16, 2008 7:00 PM

At Fort McNair, an army base located along the Potomac River in the nation's capital, a chance reunion takes place one day between two former POWs. It's the spring of 1974, and Navy commander John Sidney McCain III has returned home from the experience in Hanoi that, according to legend, transformed him from a callow and reckless youth into a serious man of patriotism and purpose. Walking along the grounds at Fort McNair, McCain runs into John Dramesi, an Air Force lieutenant colonel who was also imprisoned and tortured in Vietnam.
McCain is studying at the National War College, a prestigious graduate program he had to pull strings with the Secretary of the Navy to get into. Dramesi is enrolled, on his own merit, at the Industrial College of the Armed Forces in the building next door.

There's a distance between the two men that belies their shared experience in North Vietnam ˜ call it an honor gap. Like many American POWs, McCain broke down under torture and offered a "confession" to his North Vietnamese captors. Dramesi, in contrast, attempted two daring escapes. For the second he was brutalized for a month with daily torture sessions that nearly killed him. His partner in the escape, Lt. Col. Ed Atterberry, didn't survive the mistreatment. But Dramesi never said a disloyal word, and for his heroism was awarded two Air Force Crosses, one of the service's highest distinctions. McCain would later hail him as "one of the toughest guys I've ever met."

On the grounds between the two brick colleges, the chitchat between the scion of four-star admirals and the son of a prizefighter turns to their academic travels; both colleges sponsor a trip abroad for young officers to network with military and political leaders in a distant corner of the globe.

"I'm going to the Middle East," Dramesi says. "Turkey, Kuwait, Lebanon, Iran."

"Why are you going to the Middle East?" McCain asks, dismissively.

"It's a place we're probably going to have some problems," Dramesi says. "Why? Where are you going to, John?"

"Oh, I'm going to Rio."

"What the hell are you going to Rio for?"

McCain, a married father of three, shrugs."I got a better chance of getting laid."

Dramesi, who went on to serve as chief war planner for U.S. Air Forces in Europe and commander of a wing of the Strategic Air Command, was not surprised. "McCain says his life changed while he was in Vietnam, and he is now a different man," Dramesi says today. "But he's still the undisciplined, spoiled brat that he was when he went in."

McCAIN FIRST

This is the story of the real John McCain, the one who has been hiding in plain sight. It is the story of a man who has consistently put his own advancement above all else, a man willing to say and do anything to achieve his ultimate ambition: to become commander in chief, ascending to the one position that would finally enable him to outrank his four-star father and grandfather.

In its broad strokes, McCain's life story is oddly similar to that of the current occupant of the White House. John Sidney McCain III and George Walker Bush both represent the third generation of American dynasties. Both were born into positions of privilege against which they rebelled into mediocrity. Both developed an uncanny social intelligence that allowed them to skate by with a minimum of mental exertion. Both struggled with booze and loutish behavior. At each step, with the aid of their fathers' powerful friends, both failed upward. And both shed their skins as Episcopalian members of the Washington elite to build political careers as self-styled, ranch-inhabiting Westerners who pray to Jesus in their wives' evangelical churches.

In one vital respect, however, the comparison is deeply unfair to the current president: George W. Bush was a much better pilot.

This, of course, is not the story McCain tells about himself. Few politicians have so actively, or successfully, crafted their own myth of greatness. In McCain's version of his life, he is a prodigal son who, steeled by his brutal internment in Vietnam, learned to put "country first." Remade by the Keating Five scandal that nearly wrecked his career, the story goes, McCain re-emerged as a "reformer" and a "maverick," righteously eschewing anything that "might even tangentially be construed as a less than proper use of my office."

It's a myth McCain has cultivated throughout his decades in Washington. But during the course of this year's campaign, the mask has slipped. "Let's face it," says Larry Wilkerson, a retired Army colonel who served as chief of staff to Secretary of State Colin Powell. "John McCain made his reputation on the fact that he doesn't bend his principles for politics. That's just not true."

We have now watched McCain run twice for president. The first time he positioned himself as a principled centrist and decried the politics of Karl Rove and the influence of the religious right, imploring voters to judge candidates "by the example we set, by the way we conduct our campaigns, by the way we personally practice politics." After he lost in 2000, he jagged hard to the left, ˜ breaking with the president over taxes, drilling, judicial appointments, even flirting with joining the Democratic Party. In his current campaign, however, McCain has become the kind of politician he ran against in 2000.

He has embraced those he once denounced as "agents of intolerance," promised more drilling and deeper tax cuts, even compromised his vauntedopposition to torture. Intent on winning the presidency at all costs, he has reassembled the very team that so viciously smeared him and his family eight years ago, selecting as his running mate a born-again moose hunter whose only qualification for office is her ability to electrify Rove's base.

And he has engaged in a "practice of politics" so deceptive that even Rove himself has denounced it, saying that the outright lies in McCain's campaign ads go "too far" and fail the "truth test."

The missing piece of this puzzle, says a former McCain confidant who has fallen out with the senator over his neoconservatism, is a third, never realized, campaign that McCain intended to run against Bush in 2004. "McCain wanted a rematch, based on ethics, campaign finance and Enron ˜ the corrupt relationship between Bush's team and the corporate sector," says the former friend, a prominent conservative thinker with whom McCain shared his plans over the course of several dinners in 2001. "But when 9/11 happened, McCain saw his chance to challenge Bush again was robbed. He saw 9/11 gave Bush and his failed presidency a second life. He saw Bush and Cheney's ability to draw stark contrasts between black and white, villains and good guys. And that's why McCain changed."

Indeed, many leading Republicans who once admired McCain see his recent
contortions to appease the GOP base as the undoing of a maverick. "John
McCain's ambition overrode his basic character," says Rita Hauser, who
served on the President's Foreign Intelligence Advisory Board from 2001
to 2004. But the truth of the matter is that ambition is John McCain's
basic character. Seen in the sweep of his seven-decade personal history,
his pandering to the right is consistent with the only constant in his
life: doing what's best for himself. To put the matter squarely: John
McCain is his own special interest.

"John has made a pact with the devil," says Lincoln Chafee, the former GOP senator, who has been appalled at his one-time colleague's readiness to sacrifice principle for power. Chafee and McCain were the only Republicans to vote against the Bush tax cuts. They locked arms in opposition to drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. And they worked together in the "Gang of 14," which blocked some of Bush's worst judges from the federal bench.

"On all three ˜ sadly, sadly, sadly ˜ McCain has flip-flopped," Chafee says. And forget all the "Country First" sloganeering, he adds. "McCain is putting himself first. He's putting himself first in blinking neon lights."

(The McCain campaign did not respond to numerous requests for comment from Rolling Stone.)

***************************

Altho this is only th first part of th article, it kinda paints a different pic of John McCain than th one he has his hand on th brush, eh!

th cap'm

Subject: Saying The K5 Words. Ooooh, no!
Date: Monday, October 6, 2008 5:41 AM

Th last couple of days I've been readin where th McCain campaign's new strategy is goin to be to attack Obama's character, rather than try and carry on a discourse over th issues, becuz thas not workin fer em. They say they are gonna take th gloves off. (another one of those stupid sports metaphors) They are goin to be bringin up his alleged connections with a former member of th Weatherman, a radical organization from th ‘60s, as tho he was connected in some way. It doesn't matter that Obama was eight years old at th time.

They are goin to play th guilt-by-association card. Sarah just started th ball rollin a couple days ago.Thas a last ditch prayer fer em, cuz otherwise, they got nothin!! They sure don't wanna talk about th economy, or anything else of importance. It's th typical Repub strategy Fear. Try and scare th fuck outta peoples. It's pathetic, is what it is. Desperate peoples do desperate things it seems, or mebbe senility is settin in!! John McCain and his stooge will stoop to any level obviously.

What amazes me tho, is why in th fuck-all would th Dems let em get away with those kinda Swift Boat tactics again without respondin in kind? Fuck it. t's time fer th Dems to get down and dirty too! It's not like McLame doesn't have some skeletons rattlin around in his closet.

Can ya say, Keating Five boyz n gurlz? Do ya'll remember, fr'instance, his pivotal role in th Keating Five Scandal in th late '80s and early ‘90s? It was so called becus Charles Keating, th head of Lincoln Savings & Loans, th largest S&L in th country, was at th center of th S & L meltdown. He had made huge, bad loans to his cronies and made high risk investments which failed, and subsequently drove th entire Savings & Loan Industry into bankruptcy, costin th taxpayers billions of dollars to bail out. Sounds kinda familiar, doesn't it?!! I mean, have ya heard any thing like that lately?

See, Keating had five members of th House and th Senate, includin John McLame, in his pocket. With Federal regulators beating on his door, lookin into his shady dealins, he used McCain and th other four guys to pressure th Feds to back off. And they did temporarily.

When their roles were finally discovered, they were cited by th Senate fer unethical conduct, and McCain barely escaped censure, but only thru a technicality. Of th five corrupt guys involved, and even tho he was th central character there, only McCain was able to hang on to his seat. I think th only reason why criminal charges weren't brought against em, was becuz of th good ol boy network involved. Th same reason why cops and doctors, fr'instance are reluctant to act against rogue colleagues.

I just cannot understand why no one mentions this shoddy affair? Th facts of th case are out there, and there's no way of spinnin what went down, yet I've heard virtually nothin about it.

Here's what happened in a nutshell!

JOHN MCCAIN TOOK BRIBES AND USED HIS POWER AND INFLUENCE TO HELP A FELLOW CROOK OUT!!

While he's tryin to smear Obama, let im try and explain that one away!!
Spin that muthafuckers!

th cap'm

Subject: Our Gurl Sarah, Oh Mercy!
Date: Saturday, October 4, 2008 12:28 PM

When Sarah doesn't have notes in front of her, she's not very good at answerin questions off th top of her head is she? That was very well demonstrated in th Katie Couric interview. So, th Repub's solution to that, is to not have her give any more interviews. It seems bizarre that they want peoples to vote a person into th second highest office in th land, but they don't have enuff confidence in her themselves to allow her to speak out on her own?

Of course, considerin what happens when she does, that may be th best strategy they could come up with fer her. Like, fr'instance, in th debate, one of th few times she couldn't read from her notes was this question put to her by Gwen Iffel. This is th real Sarah Palin, doggone it!

Gwen Q: "Do you believe as Vice President Cheney does, that the Executive Branch does not hold complete sway over the Office of the Vice President: that is, that it is also a member of the Legislative Branch?"

Sarah A: "Well, our Founding Fathers were very wise there, in allowing the Constitution much flexibility there, in the Office of the Vice President, and we will do what is best for the American people in tapping into that position, and ushering in an agenda that is supportive and cooperative with the President's agenda in that position....um... so...yeah, I...uh.... agree with him that we have a lot of flexibility in there, and we'll do what we have to do to ...uh...to administer very appropriately the plans that are needed for this nation."

Whew! Say fucking What? I hope that answers yer question Gwen. Ha ha You bet'cha! Does that give ya any clues boyz n gurlz as to why they don't want Mz Mooseburger givin any more interviews?

God Bless Amerika!
and by the way God,
Save Us From Sarah Palin while yer at it!

th cap'm

Subject: Some Thoughts On Th Debate. (and I use th word "debate" loosely)
Date: Friday, October 3, 2008 5:52 PM

I'm surprised that many people think Sarah Palin did so great last nite, cus she reely wasn't all that great. She jus didn't fall flat on her ass. So...in her case, that translates to "great".

I will admit that, under these circumstances, she even did much better that I thought she would, because my expectations of her were below ground level. But the fact of th matter is that she jus avoided many questions and stuck to her talking points which she sometimes recited competently, altho there were still some I was shakin my head over, tryin to comprehend what she jus said.

And it was obvious to me she was readin from notes. I'm not sure of th rules of debate, but I thought they were supposed to be spontaneous discussions, with a give and take, back and forth between th parties. This dog and pony show didn't strike me as a debate and I was reely disappointed in Gwen Iffel's performance as th moderator and poser of th questions. She threw a bunch of fluff at em. She allowed both of em at times, but specially Palin, to get away without even answerin th question at all. In that case, why even bother to ask em questions. Why didn't they jus allow th two of em to give little 90 second pre-planned speeches on what ever they wanted.

And I was also disappointed at Joe Biden's obvious kid gloves approach to her. While she continued to taunt him, he jus stood there takin it all, with a village idiot grin on his face, and refusin to challenge her back. This character was not th Joe Biden I thought was gonna show up. With his timidity in handlin her, he allowed her to make an otherwise mediocre performance into something much more.
To me, she never really said much of substance. Th only thing she said that I still recall was her suggestion that more power be given to th Vice Presidency. Oh fuck! After eight years of Dick Cheney, a Sarah Palin Vice Presidency stronger than his, makes me short of breath, my knees quiver, my heart palpitate, and makes me break out in a cold sweat. On th other hand, mebbe I jus got th flu.

th cap'm

Subject: When All Else Fails
Date: Friday, October 3, 2008 2:42 PM

Last week, fer th Nth time, in a moment of drunken, stoned state of mind, I hid a substantial sum of money, y'know, jus in case I might be th object of a home invasion or somethin! Or a stealthy burglar? Or, considerin my condition, ya coulda driven a bulldozer thru th front door and I woulda been none th wiser. In any case; I crashed!

Th next afternoon, I vaguely remembered hidin th jack, but, curses, th exact location eluded me. So, I looked in all th usual places, y'know, like, th freezer and th trash can and so on. But I didn't come across it. I wasn't too worried tho, cuz I felt it was here in th crib somewhere, y'know! I kept thinkin I'd come across it sooner or later, so I kept an eye or two out fer it as I went about my daily businesses. Well, after a few days as it got later, I started wonderin if it was even here in th crib after all? But, I kept on "th Search".

By Monday, tho I didn't find th stash I was lookin fer, I did find 500 bucks inside my "Yellow Submarine" lunch box. Hmmm. I wondered when I stashed that? Damn! That was cool, but still; not what I was lookin fer!

Now, I know what yer thinkin; and I did of course check with My Main Man, St. Anthony, fer help, who has always been Jake with me, but he said he was swamped by lotsa peoples also lookin fer their stashes in a panic becuz of th economic situation.

So, last nite, I went with Plan B, also know as "Plan 9 From Outer Space". This calls fer th Sacrifice Of A Chicken to appease th gods. I've never reely had much luck with this system before, and I gotta admit, I felt a bit foolish kneelin over th chicken on th kitchen floor jabberin away like a wocky, but what th fuck; I was outta options, y'dig?!

Well, after awakenin from my slumber this afternoon, I hadda use my phone directory, and I'll be damned if I didn't find my money there!! Sheeit. Been there all that time in th middle of th directory which was two feet from th sofa where I Iive.

Isn't that somthin!! Well, I jus mention this solution to ya in case ya ever lose anything yerself. Ya might try this. It's weird isn't it!

Who knew th hidden powers of a leg and thigh from KFC?

th cap'm

Subject: Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road?
Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008 5:41 PM

OK ya'll, ya prolly have seen this before, and if so, scuuuuse me. But if not, it's pretty amusin.

***********

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

SARAH PALIN: As a Mayor and Governor of Alaska I have fought against and stopped the good ol' boy chickens attempts to cross the road against God’s will. It appears I have not fully succeeded. Where's my gun?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road with what is certainly weapons of mass destruction, perhaps nuclear. We must bomb the chicken before it attacks us and destroys our American way of life!

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe a chicken crossed the road, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road to verify the crossing.

BILL O'REILLY, FOX NEWS: Another left-wing pinko chicken has crossed the road, probably looking for another government relocation handout. Get over it buddy, as far as I'm concerned, you're on your own.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2009, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2009. This new platform is much more stable and will never need to reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Subject: G-L-O-R-I-A! Will It Never End?
Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008 5:34 PM

Did'ja read in today's paper where our gurl Gloria had a run-in out with traffic control out at th airport. Yeah, she was droppin off her kid (our mayor) and she realized he had left his shades in th car, so she left her car parked there at th curb in a no parking zone, to return em and to also make sure he got on his flight OK, and make arrangements with th airline to make sure he got off at th right airport, cus ya know, he can't take a piss without Gloria's assistance, and when she returned to her car she was bein given a ticket.

Ooooh man, that pissed her off. She told th dude who she was, and then complained he was rude to her. OMG! So she told Funky, and he gave her a number to call to ream somebody out. Thas one thing Mr. Mayor can't abide; some one bein disrespectful to his co-Mayor. After all, as he told us, he's been in love with her fer thirty years and everything he has, he owes to her, OK, so watch yer mouth!

Hopefully, that rude, ill-mannered, hooligan will be fired as an example to others, who might not be properly respectful of her. Cuz, as th co-Mayor she can park any fookin place she wants, without any interference from some parkin lackey.

Th Mayor said it wasn't about them; they jus didn't want any other citizens to be treated badly. Arern't ya glad we have some mayors who are willin to stand up fer th little peoples?!

So...if ya ever have any problems out there, you jus tell em, you and GLORIA are tight, and it would behoove themselves to BACK OFF!!

th cap'm

Subject: Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire
Date: Wednesday, October 1, 2008 12:16 AM

My buddy "North East Ernie" wrote me earlier today and tole me about Joe Biden sayin he remembered his parents tellin him about watchin FDR's Presidential Acceptance speech on TV after th stock market collapse in 1929! Ha ha. How fuckin ridiculous can ya get? Where in th fuck did he come up with that fairy tale?

As I recall, th TeeVee was invented around 1928, and it wasn't until th mid-'30s they ever even became available. But Biden's parents were jus regular folks. And regular folks didn't start gettin TVs until th late ‘40s and early ‘50s. We were regular folks and didn't get out first TV until '51, so I kinda doubt his story.

There's another little flaw there in that Herbert Hoover was President in 1929. FDR didn't come in til 32. Pesky nit-pickin details, huh. So, where in th hell did he come up with this absurd fable any way? All smoke and no fire!

I jus don't understand these peoples efforts to enhance their stories like that. Fer what reason? Do they provide some kinda "surge" to their egos? Sheeit.

Well, anyway, who gives a shit. By th way, have I ever related to ya that when I was younger, I sold used cars fer a dude named Fidel Castro? I worked th asphalt at"Crazy Fidel's". He would get on th TeeVee and bang on th hoods of those cars, and yell out in barley understandable Engleesh,

"Ju know waat I gonna do fa ju today!"

and he would promise no money down, (that was a scam) nobody turned away. Doan need no credit either! He always wore these camo pants and this olive-drab Army style cap, and he had a scraggly beard and was always smokin a smelly cigar. He always had that cigar in his mouth, even on his TV spots.
And he was constantly jabberin away bout La Revolucion, and we used to make fun of im behind his back and try and imitate im,

"Ju know waaat?"

He was always sayin that. And I wanna tell ya he was a dirtbag to work fer too. His numero uno amigo's name was Che Guevarra, this loco Venezuelan, who was always Numero Uno in sales month after month. He was a jerk too, but, no denyin, th hombre could sell th shit outta used cars! We all called him Chee G. He didn't like that. He rode around on a ratty old motorcycle and he always wore a dumb lookin red beret. He thought it made him look "revolutionary". Ha ha We all jus tole im it made im look like some kinda goofy Frenchman!!

Eventually I found out that sombitch Feedo was rippin me off fer my commissions. I braced him about it mano a mono. He said he'd make up what he owed me later. He kept tellin me he was gonna become El Presidente de Cuba, El Supremo fer Life, and when he was, he said he would make me Minister de Automobiles. I wasn't haven't any of his crazy money makin schemes so I tole im one day,

"Yo Fidel, Fuck you and Fuck La Revolucion!"

and I stalked off th lot and down th block where I got on at "Crazy Jack's". Competition was keen and we had some pretty serious sales wars with those locos. Verdad! One time he brought in some Russkie mobsters; tried to strong arm us, but Jack set his ass straight! Then, one day, he was gone. Never saw im again. I wonder what that crazy bastard is doin these days?

One of these days I'm gona tell ya about when I was a senior in an Amerikan H.S in Germany, and I was datin this gurl named Priscilla, and we were parked along this little dirt road one nite and we were in th back seat and......well never mind. But shortly after that nite I dumped her. I jus couldn't respect her any more, y'know what I mean! She took it reel hard and tried to make me jealous by datin Elvis Presley, remember him, who was stationed in th Army there at th time. I heard later they got married. Course after they got divorced, she kept callin me, y'know, all hours of th day and night, but I played her cool, and after a few years she backed off.

Man, I wish I had more time cuz I got somemore stories too, but I gotta get to th saloon before closin time.

th cap'm

Subject: That Sarah Palin Gurl
Date: Tuesday, September 30, 2008 4:24 PM

I swear, it is absolutely beyond my comprehension how any person, no matter how impressed and elated they were after her speech at th Republican Convention, could still feel comfortable with her nomination. Even if yer a woman and are an NRA member, and are anti-abortion, there are a number of Republican candidates who also had those creds, and are imminently more qualified fer th job than her. It is also beyond my comprehension how any woman who was enamored of Hillary Clinton, could then turn and support this woman out of anger that Hillary didn't get th Dem nomination. These two ladies are worlds apart in intelligence, experience, judgement or any other criteria ya wanna use, well of course, cept that one; gender. Thas about th only thing they share in common.

Th outrageously stupid idea that jus becuz she can see Russia from her home, and that that gives her foreign policy experience, is jus too ridiculous to seriously consider fer any sane person, and yet she keeps repeatin it. Does that mean that all those other folks in Alaska who can also see Russia from their homes have foreign policy experience too? Mebbe th next time we have a crisis vis a vis th Russkies, th Prez oughta say,

"OK, this is serious. Get in touch with all my Alaskan advisers. They'll know what to do!"

There's a sound reason why her handlers have kept her away from th media. Every time she opens her mouth, in response to almost any question, rather than answer it directly, she resorts to parroting th "party line", or, jus starts babblin incoherently. She reminds me of that Miss American contestant who jus went on forever and never said one coherent thing.

If ya saw her interview with Katie Couric, ya would havta been cringing in embarrassment fer her. When Katie asker her to clarify her first clumsy attempt to justify her contention that she knew about Russia she said,

"As Putin rears his ugly head (by th way, diplomats don't often refer to Heads of State of th most powerful countries in those kinds of personal descriptions (cd) and comes into the airspace of the United States of America, (I'm glad she clarified that united states of America, instead of th united states of Wazoo, cus hat coulda been confusin, eh? cd) where do they go? It's Alaska! It is just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send them out to make sure that an eye is being kept on that very powerful country, Russia."

WHAT? Oh mercy. Ha ha. C'MON! Read that over, skippin th crap in th parentheses, and tell me what she jus said? Tell me that you think th person who said that has any business being VP of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD? I heard one guy on Fox News complainin that they didn't show th good parts of th interview, y'know, stuff bout her family and all; jus th "gotcha" parts, as they describe any non-fluff question. So does that mean they talked bout her under-age, unwed pregnant daughter, or th son who was forced to join th service to get outta his own little problems with th law, or th "First Dude's" DUI conviction, or th radical wingnut organization he used to belong to that advocated secession from th beloved USA? Or her sister's messy public divorce? Did they discuss those things?

If I were a Republican (are peoples born that way, or is it a learned behavior? jus joshin) I would be sorely disappointed in th judgement of my man McCain, to select Sara Palin as his running mate? I would have to seriously ask myself,

"What in th fuck was he thinkin?"

Ya know what I think? McCain's two word slogan is, "America First". When he picked Sara, do you reely think that fer one second, of all th Repubs out there, Romney, Giuliani, Huckabee, Crist of Florida and several others, that he reely believed that Sara Palin would make th best VP fer Amerika? FUCK NO HE DIDN'T! That was strictly a political choice in that he figured she could best help him win th election. Not th same thing. He sure as fuck wasn't thinkin bout Amerika first! He was thinkin bout John McCain first and only.

Th only bright side to this whole shoddy affair, is that, in th midst of this terrible, possible economic catastrophe we're facin, Sara does provide some good guffaws. Ya gotta give her credit fer that! Plenty credit fer plenty laughs.

th cap'm