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The
25 Dumbest Quotes of 2004
Researched by Daniel Kurtzman
25. "This is the best election
night in history." -Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry
McAuliffe, Nov. 2, 2004, just before 8 p.m. EST
24. "This race is hotter than a Times
Square Rolex." -CBS Anchor Dan Rather, on election night
23. "As you know, you go to war with
the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later
time." -Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, responding to a U.S. soldier
serving in Iraq who asked him why troops had to dig through scrap metal
to armor vehicles
22. "I heard there's rumors on the Internets
that we're going to have a draft." -President George W. Bush, during
the second presidential debate
21. "You've done a nice job decorating
the White House." -Pop star Jessica Simpson, upon being introduced
to Interior Secretary Gale Norton while touring the White House
20. "Go fuck yourself." -Vice President
Dick Cheney to Sen. Patrick Leahy, during an angry exchange on the Senate
floor about profiteering by Halliburton
19. "I even accept for the sake of argument
that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged."
-Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, speaking at Harvard
18. "You forgot Poland." -President
Bush to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry
failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition
17. "I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge
a person to a duel." -Sen. Zell Miller to Chris Matthews, during
a heated interview on Hardball
16. "We are in a three-way split decision
for third place." -Sen. Joe Lieberman, on his fifth place finish
in the New Hampshire primary
15. "If I could only go through the
ducts and leap out onstage in a cape — that's my dream." -Ralph
Nader, on the presidential debates
14. "You bet we might have." -Sen.
Kerry, asked if he would have gone to war against Saddam Hussein if he
refused to disarm
13. "Gammie, we love you dearly, but
you're just not very hip. She thinks Sex and the City is something
married people do, but never talk about." -Jenna Bush, speaking at
the Republican convention
12. "All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we
see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there
is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent." -California
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the dangers posed by gay marriage
11. "I couldn't get a job with CIA today.
I am not qualified." -CIA Director Porter Goss, in a March 3, 2004
interview that was conducted while he was still in Congress and which
was cut from Fahrenheit 9/11
10. "I wish you'd have given me this
written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something
will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with
all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I
don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have.
I just haven't — you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm
not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." -President
Bush, after being asked in a news conference to name the biggest mistake
he had made
9. "Those weapons of mass destruction
have got to be somewhere!" -President Bush, joking about his administration's
failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the
Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner
8. "So anyway I'd be rubbing your big
boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda' kissing your neck from
behind...and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and
I'd just put it on your p---y but you'd have to do it really light, just
kind of a tease business..." -Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, as
quoted in a sexual harassment suit filed against him by a Fox News producer
7. "Wolf, be excited. This is Joementum
here in New Hampshire." -Sen. Joe Lieberman to Wolf Blitzer, on his
momentum leading up to the New Hampshire primary
6. "Too many good docs are getting out
of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with
women all across this country." -President Bush
5. "I actually did vote for the $87 billion,
before I voted against it." -Sen. Kerry, on voting against a military
funding bill for U.S. troops in Iraq
4. "Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Go,
balloons ... What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down.
All balloons! Why the hell is nothing falling? What the fuck are you guys
doing up there?" -Democratic Convention producer Don Mischer, overheard
on CNN having an apoplectic seizure when the balloons failed to drop from
the ceiling of the Fleet Center in Boston
3. "As I was telling my husb-"
-National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, overheard making a slip of
the tongue at a Washington dinner party. Rice, who is unmarried, stopping
herself abruptly, before saying, "As I was telling President Bush."
2. "Not only are we going to New Hampshire
... we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota
and New Mexico, and we're going to California and Texas and New York!
And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan.
And then we're going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House,
Yeeeeeaaaaaargh!" -Presidential candidate Howard Dean's Iowa concession
speech
1. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful,
and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country
and our people, and neither do we." -President Bush
Daniel Kurtzman is a San Francisco writer and a former Washington correspondent.
He runs About.com's political humor website.
Daniel Kurtzman is a San Francisco writer and a former
Washington correspondent. He runs About.com's political humor website.
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